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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner being super insensitive!

44 replies

Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 07:27

So I’m 36 weeks pregnant with a back to back pregnancy, I have a lovely 9.5 month old little girl and heavily pregnant so basically been pregnant for best part of 18 months! So already I’m super emotional, tired and just a grouch.

last night my partner went to his cousins house for a few hours and came home around midnight which I didn’t mind I try and get as much sleep as I can now anyways and it’s easier with the bed to myself!

anyway when he’s got home he’s text his cousin to compliment her friend on her looks and “banging arse” and then proceeded to ask if she would like that said arse putting to good use to which his cousin replied she has a boyfriend and you have a fiancé. He fell asleep holding his phone unlocked so I grabbed it just to lock it and saw this, I locked it up and tried to get back to sleep but I just feel utterly disgusted!

i know it’s probably nothing and he’s allowed to find other girls attractive but I’ve been crying and upset for the last few months about my appearance, how insecure I am with my body, my hips feeling like they are falling apart and just feeling generally crap about myself and this has just made me feel 10,000 times more insecure!

AIBU if I confront him about this? Or should I just brush it under carpet as a joke and carry on?

OP posts:
CarpetSlipper · 16/09/2023 07:32

This is not “nothing”, I highly doubt this will be the first time and you’re probably feeling insecure about your looks because of him letching over other women and having no respect for you. You do not have to put up with this.

TheBarbieEffect · 16/09/2023 07:33

He fell asleep holding his phone unlocked so I grabbed it just to lock it and saw this

Well this just isn’t true. At the very least be honest with yourself that you were snooping (which you have no right to do).

Mellowautumnmists · 16/09/2023 07:35

Why would you want to lock it?

Original poster
Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 07:38

@TheBarbieEffect Yes you may be right here, he has a mild form of sleep apnea so he falls asleep at will and usually it’s TikTok blaring out and I always grab the phone to lock it but last night it was just the light coming from it annoying me so when I grabbed it and it was on the message thread I did read it so I guess that is snooping. I do not know his passwords and did not look at anything further but guess I have no right to be angry over a private conversation, thank you for the clarity

OP posts:
RadioFoot · 16/09/2023 07:39

You are 36 weeks . Congrats! You are nearly there! Your partner sounds like an ass. Sorry.

Icanneverthinkofausername · 16/09/2023 07:41

You have every right to be angry over a "private conversation"
Maybe you shouldn't have checked his phone but he definitely shouldn't have said those things! Don't let anyone minimize your feelings because of how you found out

ChesterAndRaoul · 16/09/2023 07:42

Do you genuinely feel like it's a joke?

Your post suggests not so you shouldn't act that way, if you are upset about this then you should talk to him, and you should talk to him about the way you are feeling. It is not unreasonable to feel betrayed by this, I would.

There are obviously insecurity issues, and you should expect some backlash from going through his phone. If you did honestly just grab his phone then fine, but if you went through it then you need to be honest about it with him so that you both have a chance of working on the issues in the relationship... If that is what you want.

WaltzingWaters · 16/09/2023 07:43

Icanneverthinkofausername · 16/09/2023 07:41

You have every right to be angry over a "private conversation"
Maybe you shouldn't have checked his phone but he definitely shouldn't have said those things! Don't let anyone minimize your feelings because of how you found out

This. And your partner sounds like a complete arsehole.

YouJustDoYou · 16/09/2023 07:46

Your partner is disgusting. If you did the same and messaged a guy about his "banging arse" and could he put his dick to good use I'm sure he wouldn't find it so amusing. Sorry op, he's shown his true colours.

CoffeeLover90 · 16/09/2023 07:47

ChesterAndRaoul · 16/09/2023 07:42

Do you genuinely feel like it's a joke?

Your post suggests not so you shouldn't act that way, if you are upset about this then you should talk to him, and you should talk to him about the way you are feeling. It is not unreasonable to feel betrayed by this, I would.

There are obviously insecurity issues, and you should expect some backlash from going through his phone. If you did honestly just grab his phone then fine, but if you went through it then you need to be honest about it with him so that you both have a chance of working on the issues in the relationship... If that is what you want.

What this says ^
The fact his cousin pointed out the woman had a partner and him a fiance says she didn't see it as a joke either.

Fairydustxox · 16/09/2023 07:50

You're heavily pregnant and your partners out and giving other women the come on and you're asking if you should treat is a joke? Id say your partners the joke and being massively disrespectful to you

gelatogina · 16/09/2023 07:50

God he sounds like a disgusting pig

JMSA · 16/09/2023 07:51

What a horrible sleaze.

Hibiscrubbed · 16/09/2023 07:59

Ignore the stupid Barbie poster. They’re talking shit.

You have every right, and should, feel angry about this. It is horrendous. And I don’t believe it’s ‘nothing’ either.

Original poster
Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 08:02

Thank you all for the honest replies! I will 100% speak to him about this and be honest with how I saw it, he knows I always grab the phone to lock it but I will be honest and tell him I read the thread of messages!

@ChesterAndRaoul you are 100% right, and yes there insecurity issues and I guess just issues in general, I’ve obviously been on maternity leave for almost a year now so he’s been the breadwinner but before that I was the one that earned more. Because of his new status I do 100% of the housework and 99% of the parenting (we have a 7year old and the 9.5 month old) he’s done 1 bath time and 2 night feeds in the last nine months but still calls me lazy most days if his tea is not ready when he gets home so guess I’m already feeling not enough no matter how many times I try and explain how I’m feeling to him!

OP posts:
ThisWillBeMyDay · 16/09/2023 08:04

Well he’s revolting, that’s for sure.
Sad to read that sewer rat like him has procreated, three times.

Do you want to stay with someone like this?
Can you leave?

YellowHatt · 16/09/2023 08:06

he’s done 1 bath time and 2 night feeds in the last nine months but still calls me lazy most days if his tea is not ready when he gets home
And he’s sending those messages on top of that. Why are you with him??

BeardieWeirdie · 16/09/2023 08:08

Get rid. He’s a shit partner and worse dad, a third baby isn’t going to make things any better. Fortunately you’re not married. What’s your housing situation?

Shoxfordian · 16/09/2023 08:09

He’s disgusting; don’t tolerate this - it’s so disrespectful. Can you make a plan to leave?

CyberCritical · 16/09/2023 08:16

Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 07:38

@TheBarbieEffect Yes you may be right here, he has a mild form of sleep apnea so he falls asleep at will and usually it’s TikTok blaring out and I always grab the phone to lock it but last night it was just the light coming from it annoying me so when I grabbed it and it was on the message thread I did read it so I guess that is snooping. I do not know his passwords and did not look at anything further but guess I have no right to be angry over a private conversation, thank you for the clarity

Hang on just one second.

You might not have been supposed to see it but you have every right to be angry now you have. Your fiancé, the father of your children is talking about wanting to have sex with other women and asking his cousin to pass on gross sexist comments.

Get angry, be angry and do something about it.

ChesterAndRaoul · 16/09/2023 08:17

Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 08:02

Thank you all for the honest replies! I will 100% speak to him about this and be honest with how I saw it, he knows I always grab the phone to lock it but I will be honest and tell him I read the thread of messages!

@ChesterAndRaoul you are 100% right, and yes there insecurity issues and I guess just issues in general, I’ve obviously been on maternity leave for almost a year now so he’s been the breadwinner but before that I was the one that earned more. Because of his new status I do 100% of the housework and 99% of the parenting (we have a 7year old and the 9.5 month old) he’s done 1 bath time and 2 night feeds in the last nine months but still calls me lazy most days if his tea is not ready when he gets home so guess I’m already feeling not enough no matter how many times I try and explain how I’m feeling to him!

This is not acceptable, and it's also something you need to sit him down and talk to him about, and to be firm with him that it is not okay to treat you like a maid.

Raising children and managing a household is NOT a full-time job, where you have scheduled break and paid time off. It is an all day job, and it is one that he needs to help with.

He is present in the relationship as a paycheck only, not as a partner and not as a father - You deserve a partner and your kids deserve a real father.

Speak to him about this too, and explain that if he is not going to be an involved partner and father then surely you'd be better off alone? At least you won't be in a relationship that makes you feel insecure, and you'd still be doing the same work you do now....

Skinthin · 16/09/2023 08:18

I voted YABU because this isn’t “insensitive” it’s super sleazy, disgusting and disrespectful behaviour. The man is clearly a misogynist and given any opportunity to cheat, he will, so be aware.

towriteyoumustlive · 16/09/2023 08:24

Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 08:02

Thank you all for the honest replies! I will 100% speak to him about this and be honest with how I saw it, he knows I always grab the phone to lock it but I will be honest and tell him I read the thread of messages!

@ChesterAndRaoul you are 100% right, and yes there insecurity issues and I guess just issues in general, I’ve obviously been on maternity leave for almost a year now so he’s been the breadwinner but before that I was the one that earned more. Because of his new status I do 100% of the housework and 99% of the parenting (we have a 7year old and the 9.5 month old) he’s done 1 bath time and 2 night feeds in the last nine months but still calls me lazy most days if his tea is not ready when he gets home so guess I’m already feeling not enough no matter how many times I try and explain how I’m feeling to him!

He sounds like an absolute twat!

I would be kicking him out, especially after finding those messages on his phone.

He clearly has zero respect for you.

BigSadie · 16/09/2023 08:58

This "man" sounds like a complete bass turd and don't be surprised if he's getting it somewhere else too. Sorry hun.

Lex345 · 16/09/2023 08:59

You are not being unreasonable. He is not just being insensitive-he is being disrespectful-and not only has he said these appalling, uninvited and objectifying comments about another woman it sounds like he hardly knows when he has a pregnant fiance, he has added to the humiliation by voicing these to a third party, who rightly pulled him up on it.

I would be fucking furious.

Do not allow him to blame tiredness/hormones/anything else for your emotional response to this.