To thinkI did nothing wrong?

[SeasonsChange1]

I really need some outside perspective here as I’ve been made to feel guilty and like I’m a horrible daughter and want to know how to approach things.

My mum had a stomach bug recently so couldn’t go out.

I spoke to her atleast 4 times throughout the day on the phone to check in, dropped off the requested supplies at the door that she wanted after work on my way home and called her again about 8.30 to say I hoped she had a good night and would speak to her the next day.

The following day she was not happy with me as I hadn’t called her before bed and hadn’t text her to say I hoped she had a good night. She said “you know I don’t go to bed until midnight’ and “this is obviously the way things are going with us now.” I tried to explain I was tired and had gone to bed shortly after our phone call but this was simply met with silence.

I think I was more than reasonable but she doesn’t feel the same way.

How would you handle this moving forward? Low contact isn’t an option as she has some caring needs I have to for-fill that she won’t consider anyone else doing for her.

Ignore it. She's being unreasonable and this shouldn't be indulged.

I tried to explain I was tired and had gone to bed shortly after our phone call but this was simply met with silence.

I expect this is an entrenched pattern of behaviour from your DM rather than a one-off. The most important thing to remind yourself is that you're a fully fledged independent adult. You're DM is still treating you like a child, telling you off, silent treatment. Very unpleasant, but think to yourself "she'll get over it".

How to deal with it going forward - Start to treat her like a toddler! If she gets unpleasant next time, just ignore, ignore, ignore until she starts treating you with respect. Change the subject and act like she hasn't been unpleasant, gloss over the manipulation. It shouldn't define you or dominate your thoughts or behaviour, it's your DMs problem, so leave her attitude with her, don't let it rub off on you.

Well if she won't consider anyone else for those needs, she'd better start being kinder to the one she does want. Her behaviour is childish and completely over the top.

I'd probably say "I'm sorry my care is not up to your standards so in future you are free to make alternative arrangements".

she won’t consider anyone else doing for her

You don't have to become your mum's carer out of guilt. If you don't want to do this, she can and will fins someone else. And if she doesn't, or doesn't want to pay for it, that's her business.

Low contact isn’t an option as she has some caring needs I have to for-fill that she won’t consider anyone else doing for her.

That's her problem not yours. I suspect you have an emotionally abusive mother and have been trained for years. You'll need to break that conditioning.

Why did you have to call her four times just because she’s got the trots?
I think you did plenty.
Un less she’s really old and frail

She has you enmeshed in fear, obligation and guilt.

Not 'wanting' anyone else to provide care is just another way of keeping you trapped.

She won't change but you can. Start by telling her that you realise you can't meet her expectations and give her a couple of numbers of caring agencies.

Then do a trial period of no contact for a week.

I'm sorry but most adults don't get baby sat when they've got the shits or sickness bug they just get on with it.
Lovely thing you did, but her entitlement of your attention for a stomach bug is pathetic.

I think you need to be firm.
Mum, you’re being ridiculous. I wished you good night at 8.30.
And then change the subject.
And if you don’t want to fulfil her care needs then don’t.
My df is 92, was very cross that he has to pay for a carer once a day because his dc won’t drop everything for him. He soon got over it.

This!

You don't have to do anything

How’s your relationship with her generally? Is she always like this?
It sounds like you could have a toxic relationship with her if this is standard behaviour.
If it’s a one off then I’d put it down to her feeling awful and taking it out on the one closest to her.
I have a feeling that this a normal example of the dynamic between you both. You need to put boundaries in place.
You don’t have to care for her but chose to do so. Explain how you feel and that if this sort of behaviour continues things will have to change.
There’s loads of information out there about toxic relationships. There is a consent called FOG (fear. obligation, guilt) which explains why we act the way we do around people who behave this way.
There was a thread on here about Stately homes about toxic parents which will be useful. I’m not sure if it’s still ongoing. I’m sure someone else could help with the name and if it’s still active. I’ve looked at it but not posted under this user name as it was a long time ago.
You are not the only one to experience this type of behaviour. I personally have this sort of dynamic with both my parents. I find them easier to deal with now I’m aware that it’s not ok and I’m not unique. It’s not you that’s the problem, it’s their behaviour unfortunately.

My DF did all the non-physical caring for his emotionally abusive DF. It only seemed to stress him out and he was just relieved when he died.
I'd seriously consider whether helping your DM is worth the detriment to your own mental health OP.

Needy and controlling.

Old people, particularly parents of daughters - less so sons, can tantrum as much as a two year old.

She can tantrum but you get to decide what and how much you will do.

Support for you here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents

Your mum sounds very entitled and emotionally abusive. You need to draw a line. Say to her I did nothing wrong and I actually did more for her then many would. Be very matter of fact and state you can contact me when you are ready to apologise. Then don't let her make you feel bad. You are clearly a very caring daughter and if your mother can't see that she doesn't deserve you. Remember this is the only life you have. Do you really want to spend it tending to someone so mean?

Thank you for making me feel like I did nothing wrong.

You don't have to fulfill any of her caring needs.

I bet this is just one of the ways she abuses you.

How old is your dm and what care needs does she actually have, or does she just tell you that this is to be done?

I’d go LC, but that me. Going LC is a choice you are choosing not to make. And that’s fine, that’s your choice. So in that case, I would just ignore her cheeky comments.

Of course you didn't do anything wrong!

What you did do was, frankly, excessive. Fair enough to drop her supplies and have maybe 2 chats - one where she told you she was ill and needed supplies, and one where you ring in the evening to see if she was feeling any better. But 4 times?! What was there to say?

Still shitting?
Yep.

If she relies on you to do things, she's old enough to know you say please and thank you and appreciate people who help you. Whining and moaning and treating people like shit does not - and should not - get you what you want.

I agree wholeheartedly with this:
Say to her I did nothing wrong and I actually did more for her then many would. Be very matter of fact and state you can contact me when you are ready to apologise.

She’s mad.