AIBU to not rush to help in laws

[DunePeyton]

In laws have given us much help over the years - childcare and hands on help with renovations. They are in their 70s now but still enjoy DIY and running small businesses - they always have to have a project on the go.

We are an extremely busy family, one full-time, one part time, multiple kids clubs, football at weekends, hosting. DP is part-time and this works for us in terms childcare as he can drop kids off and pick them up most days.

There has been an unspoken expectation that DP will go and help in laws l on his days off when there is a “project” on the go - the current one is landscaping but DP gets stressed as this puts him behind with his day-to-day tasks which give us a head start on the weekend. He doesn’t get reprimanded if he doesn’t go, but MIL will make some comments about “dad struggling” and martyrdom ensues.

DP doesn’t have the relationship with his parents to speak up about this due to childhood experiences and wants an easy life, but AIBU to think DP should not rush round there on his days off to help and ignore the barbed comments?

They have far too much pride but I can’t help but think they should in their 70s be paying someone to come and do the work to take the stress off everyone. Money is not an issue. Both have state pensions. One has 40-year private pension, no mortgage etc…

It all sounds very fraught if someone who in a two-parent family who works PT taking some time out to help his parents is a huge issue because it ‘puts him behind on his day to day tasks which give us a head start on the weekend’? What are these ‘day to day tasks’? Do you have dozens of children or something? Can’t he choose how to spend his time?

YABU . You were happy enough to use them as childcare but the minute they want something it's THEM that are being unreasonable?
What are these ' many tasks '

So they have helped you with childcare and renovations but they should not expect you to help them?
Sounds selfish and one sided

I think if they've helped out a lot when you've needed it then it's not really a big deal to give them some time now to help them in return.

If DH works part time to accommodate childcare, how much additional help with childcare do they give?

And if they help you with renovations, why do you object to reciprocating? Smacks of having your cake and eating it.

It all depends how often they are asking. If they are expecting him to use all or most of his free time to help their projects then, yes, that's pretty unreasonable. It is also perfectly reasonable to tell them he is struggling and suggest they may want to pay someone to help now and again (as they are well off).

Would having a set day a week for them work for him/them? DH finishes work early one day a week and that's when he pops in on MIL either to help her out or just to have a cup of tea and a chat.

I had to read your post a couple of times. Maybe you should have paid out for childcare and labour? I assume they are the type of people who help family were needed and you guys are the opposite.

What day to day tasks would he be missing out on doing? How often do they ask?

Do you see them socially? It sounds like you really resent them and you’re implying he’s scared of them and/or he had an unhappy childhood because of them, which begs the question why you’d ask them to do childcare for you. Don’t ask or accept favours from people you don’t like, it’s much easier. You did and now they’re asking for his help which he’s not giving, but they’re not unreasonable to ask.

It sounds as if they see ‘mucking in’ as a way of life. You have renovations and childcare needs, they muck on. They want to landscape their garden, why would yYour DH muck in a bit?

Are you putting pressure on DP to get everything ready for your weekend? Are you jealous of his time ?

And being in your 70s doesn’t mean give up your DIY interests, who are you to say what they ‘should’ do?

If your DH hasn’t got time, he needs to be direct and tell them. It’s his issue to sort.