Too sensitive on special birthday

[Peacockcolours]

I have worked at my workplace for nearly 20 years and just celebrated a special birthday (50 😩) I thought we all were friends and have in past contributed to others who have turned 30/ 40/50 usually giving £5. However there was no collection for me and although one colleague got me a lovely present - that was it. There was no joint card or collection. I feel so disappointed and hurt - I thought I had friends at work but realise they aren’t really my friends. Should I just get past this and concentrate on my family- I’m feeling very resentful.

I can see how that would be hurtful.

How are these things normally organised. Would people have known it was your birthday?

I didn’t have a work celebration /night out but people knew and wished me happy birthday on teams as we work from home. However others have had a card signed and a bit of a collection and had not organised a night out.

Did they know it was your birthday? Who usually organises the collection? I wouldn’t write them all off as non friends for not doing you a birthday collection. I have only the vaguest idea when my closest friends’ birthdays are, and I’ve almost never given them presents. I adore them, I’m just not particularly birthday-minded.

That's not nice OP. I had a similar situation in my old job a few years ago. My birthday falls near two other colleagues birthdays but as in your workplace we only do collections for the big birthdays. This particular year there was no big birthdays so my birthday came and went and all of a sudden we were being asked to contribute for the next birthdays to get cakes and little bits. I refused since that's not the norm. A good friend (still friends now) stepped in and spoke to the manager about how unfair it was. I can't lie, I was quite upset about it. It really did sting and as you say it made me realise that I wasn't really friends with the majority of them! Definitely made me step back a bit.

Workplace collections are awful. It's always the same people who do them, and then when they forget one or are too busy no one else steps in. Your birthday being skipped is probably far more to do with whatever is up with whoever usually does it, rather than any ill will towards you.

That's a very good point, it's nearly always the same people that do it!

I think it's probably disorganization rather than indifference. Maybe the person who usually takes charge is ill/ on holiday. I don't think you can judge the quality of friendships by this alone- I doubt that this is a matter of people saying 'oh, not worth spending money on Peacockcolours'. The fact that a colleague did buy an individual present for you proves that she is a personal friend; for the rest, it just means that the person who does collections slipped up or wasn't there, and people neither prove their friendship by following the instructions, nor their lack of friendship by failing to follow an instruction that probably wasn't given.

I know this is derailing the thread, but does your workplace really specifically do 'big birthdays? I hope this is only done if the people have provided the information and consented to its use. If management/ colleagues are actually using private information about staff to make a public 'thing' of people's ages, I would consider this as a gross invasion of privacy, and much more offensive than omitting a present.

I know you didnt ask me but yes, our workplace specifically only do big birthdays.

No-one I work with is that up tight that they've complained and have always taken the joint gift with good grace!

Invasion of privacy?! I just think that's mad. Everyone knows within one or 2 years how old their coworkers are.

Anyway, OP, yes I'd be hurt too. But I'd think it was more likely that whoever is normally the instigator of the collection (at my work, its the manager) is off, ill, preoccupied, or just plain forgot. Try not to be upset, but i see where youre coming from.

Well, people differ; but I am certainly 'uptight' about it; and have an almost INFINITE horror of being pressed to celebrate age-milestones. Even family know not to force these on me. The privacy issue isn't so much about other people knowing my age, but about their feeling entitled to press me to celebrate something that is personally painful for me.

As regards the OP: I doubt that it's a matter of friendship or the lack of it, but of depending on one or two people to organize things. and these people being either disorganized or absent. This is one reason I'm not that keen on workplace celebrations of even age-unrelated birthdays: it's so easy for things to go wrong, and people to be left out, probably unintentionally. Such things should be either done in a very professional way, or not at all.

All they're doing is saying happy birthday. Milestone birthdays are celebrated cos no one wants to shell out cash everything a colleague has just any old birthday.

They're doing it to be polite, not forcing you to celebrate.

Everytime

It's not polite to remind someone of something they hate. Some people don't hate milestones; but surely it should be up to the individual.

And I wouldn't expect people to shell out cash for every, or indeed any, birthday in the workplace. Surely a card should be sufficient?

Maybe, but no one I know is funny about their birthday.

Yeah a card is sufficient, but it's just a nice gesture when someone you've worked with for xxx amount of years turns 40, 50, 60 or whatever. To show appreciation. Which is why I can understand OP being upset.

I'd be hurt too. Probably an oversight rather than deliberate exclusion. It sucks when it happens to you though. Focussing on your family sounds like a good idea. I hope they made a fuss of you.@

Did you take cakes in your birthday, do you have friends outside of work?
I think it was a thoughtless oversight rather than anything nasty.
Are they your friends or your colleagues who you are friendly with?
Didn't you want to have birthday drinks/a night out with them?

YANBU, that’s hurtful.

I’d stop contributing to most of the others’ collections and if someone asks say you thought that had all stopped as you didn’t receive a card for your 50th.