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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepdad issues

14 replies

lonelyandlostt · 15/09/2023 20:03

Single mom to a 13 (almost 14) girl and a 7 year old boy.

Their dad passed away while I was pregnant with our son. Daughter doesn't remember much but remembers him a bit, obviously son doesn't.

I've been with my partner for almost 4 years. We are long distance.

I introduced the kids after about a year. They all get along.

DD has firmly said she does not want him to move in, nor does she want to go to his house in the holidays (he's Scotland, we are Bristol) as it is "boring".

She won't elaborate on the reasons why.

It's not specific to OH either, she generally does not want anyone living with us. When I ask if she means ever, she isn't clear.

OH and I want to live together but I'm not going to ignore DD's wishes, but she can't give me real reasons why

When we're all together it works well. Admittedly they don't spend any time alone together, maybe they should do a joint hobby to help bond?

I feel like it's a crossroads. We want to get married, settle down together as we're not getting any younger. The distance is now an issue financially

However DD is kicking off at the idea of him moving in.

He's my first partner since their dad

Any advice?

OP posts:

Gcsunnyside23 · 15/09/2023 20:12

Oh that must be tough, would counselling help? I'm sure it's connected to losing her dad so young

Gcsunnyside23 · 15/09/2023 20:15

Sorry posted too soon. I mean there might be deep issues dye herself might not be able to articulate or realise is the issue. She might be scared to introduce someone into her life. But if she can't tell you why then she'll never want anyone to move in. It's a really tough situation for you as you deserve to move on with your life too. How does your son feel?

Original poster

lonelyandlostt · 15/09/2023 20:27

My son is happy about it, he's pretty laid back to be fair. But equally he doesn't remember his dad as obviously I was only pregnant with him when he passed. I think my daughter wants it to be just us

OP posts:

kweeble · 15/09/2023 20:50

Can you carry on as you are until she’s leading her own life - ie going to university in 4-5 years? You do deserve to be happy too.
if that’s not feasible then you need some kind of counselling to be able to move on with your life now. it would help if you both lived in the same city - is that possible with a view to moving in together in a few years?

Sapphire387 · 15/09/2023 20:54

I do feel for your daughter but I also think that, generally, a lot of parents now allow their children a bit too much control and a few too many choices (myself included!).

Definitely worth exploring with her further, but ultimately the choice must be yours.

aSofaNearYou · 15/09/2023 20:58

If you plan on living together eventually, could he move close to you and live separately for a while with him staying over occasionally to get her used to it? I don't think it's right for her to effectively say you can never move in with him or even see him for any length of time, but I can see why him moving straight in with you would be a big step too soon.

Skybluecoat · 15/09/2023 21:00

Why do you have to live together? Surely he can move to Bristol and live in his own home?

Beezknees · 15/09/2023 21:07

I wouldn't move in with a partner while my child is living at home. It creates all sorts of issues. Blended families rarely work well, the ones that do are the exception rather than the norm.

steff13 · 15/09/2023 21:10

Somebody posted almost an identical situation a few days ago except that the long distance partner lived in the US. Interesting.

She'll be an adult in a few years can you just put off we getting married until then? Although I tend to think that at 14 years old she's old enough to understand that you want to have a life partner and that you're entitled to have that.

Original poster

lonelyandlostt · 15/09/2023 21:13

He could move to Bristol, it's something worth exploring. My thinking is what if my son then decided at 13 (when daughter has gone to uni) that he didn't want him to move in?

I want to listen to DD but it's hard when she can’t give me reasons why. I suspect it's because she doesn't like change and she's been through enough of it!

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/09/2023 21:14

I disagree. If she's this resistant now I don't think 4 years of her knowing you are putting your life on hold for help will do her any good.

AheadOfMyTime · 15/09/2023 21:28

It's probably because she wouldn't feel comfortable sharing her home with your new partner, just because you want him to doesn't mean she should feel the same.
Imagine you being 14 and your Mum inflicting that on you.
Or she was older, just you two sharing a home, she meets someone and wants to move him in, would you be over the moon?

slopsan · 15/09/2023 21:37

Listen to her. She is not comfortable living with him and is currently too young to leave if you move in together.

Sometimes it's hard to put into words why you are not comfortable with someone, especially for children.

What should work, and appears to be a good idea can be very wrong. Sadly it took years for my young relatives to explain how their apparently excellent step father was treating them. When they finally did he went to prison.

I would never move a new partner into my child's home.

GoryBory · 15/09/2023 21:37

I personally wouldn’t move in with a man until my DD is older.

I don’t see the point in potentially disrupting our happy home lives when I don’t need to.

How long have you spent with this man at one time?

There’s a massive difference between having someone to stay for a few weeks compared to living together 24/7

I would consider him living in his own home in your area.
Then he can come round more often and become part of the family instead of just a visitor like he is now.

Then after a few months of him coming round and DD getting to know him more, you can decide whether you still want to move in or not.

Flip