Husband makes zero effort on birthdays and anniversaries

[Keller12]

DH and I ‘celebrated’ our 10th anniversary this month. He’s always been rubbish with gestures/gifts/organising anything over the years. Last year it really upset me so I sat him down and explained that it was disheartening that he often won’t even bother doing anything. He seemed to take it in and was open to the discussion. I’m not one for lavish gifts or fancy dinners - anything would be nice. I used to make more effort in the early years but don’t much anymore as I feel so deflated now. For our anniversary this week - despite him having the week off work, he didn’t plan anything, nothing. Not even a card. AIBU to expect a little bit of effort? I don’t want a diamond-just a little gesture (he’s never bought me flowers despite knowing I like them) I could have arranged something but what’s the point if I’m not getting any effort in return? Feels forced. I did get him a card. We’ve got 2 young kids so we’re both knackered a lot but a week off and still nothing just feels like he doesn’t care anymore. Not sure if I’m over reacting.

My ex was like that - not the reason why he's my ex, that's another story not relevant here ! Just don't waste your time and money in making anything of his birthday and on your anniversaries which he forgets, go treat yourself to something nice instead.

Surely an anniversary is celebrated together? Why did you expect him to do anything if you did nothing yourself?

I don't think I would have lasted 10 years with someone like this tbh but me & DH both love gifts & celebrating!

If it’s important to you go and celebrate - leave him at home with the kids.

I think the issue here is that you've told him something is important to you and he still isn't willing to make the effort. What's his response when you point that out?

It sounds like he doesn’t care about you or about making you happy; are you going to have another 10 years of this rubbish?

We’re all different some people have no interest in such events
if it’s not them it not them

no is right nobody is wrong

I think if you love each other & he's otherwise a good husband & father then perhaps considering a different approach could be a way forward.

Instead of sitting back waiting for him to 'surprise' you for your anniversary, I would suggest you plan it together. Ask him what he'd like to do to celebrate.

My dh is v good at presents but for anniversaries we tend to plan something tondo together like a lunch / dinner / night in hotel/ holiday / theatre etc depending on the occasion & the budget & age of children etc

You could say to him today - seeing as it was our 10 year anniversary recently & we didn't so anything on the day how about we do xxx at the weekend to mark the occasion?

What was he like before?
Has he changed?
Or are you trying to change him?
I'm torn between he should make the effort because it's important to you and if it was important to you and that's not him why did you marry him?
If he's changed then you need to have a discussion. If he hasn't then you need to accept him for who he is

For me, my marriage is more important than the anniversary - how we speak to each and the way we treat each other, how we do life together day to day. We've had small kids from year 1 and we”re busy and tired. We often both forget the anniversary.

If we do decide to do something we will have a chat about it - shall we go for dinner? Have a night away? It’s not that one person will wait expectantly for the other to make an effort, and there isn’t anything really hard about it that requires effort . We just kind of discuss it together and see what would be enjoyable to do together.

We don’t do cards as it seems unnecessary. We might go shopping together and buy something for the house. Sometimes we just acknowledge it with a kiss.

How is the relationship otherwise?

Would you be upset if he had bought you just a card?

The flip side of this is, are you listening to him? It's clear he doesn't care about cards (otherwise he'd be asking for them or giving them), so buying him a card is, in effect, putting something he doesn't want in his face and complaining that he didn't get you something in return.

For me, 10 years is the proof of love.

Sounds very disheartening, as you have had the conversation with him, he should know how much a little bit of effort would mean to you. I know it is a bit shit but maybe frame it as who he is as a person, not a reflection of how much he cares about you. He shows that hopefully in other ways?
My DH is the same so I expect nothing, however, I see this as a bonus as I can chose exactly what I want and also I don't feel pressure to buy him gifts or remember a card. I understand it feels forced to have to plan everything, but could you plan something that excites you, like he looks after the kids for you to book yourself and a girlfriend a spa weekend? Next anniversary/birthday book a restaurant, activity that is your preference. Treat yourself to that handbag wouldn't normally buy as your own gift. I don't think you are over reacting at all, you could ask DH to do an online love languages quiz, compare results with you, talk about how deflated you feel and what can be done better as team next time?

Is he otherwise a good partner? That’s more important in my book. But I’m saying that as someone who forgets my wedding anniversary every year.

So does he ignore/not bother with any celebrations/ birthdays etc - even his own family? Do you/does he expect you to remember and buy all his families gifts/send cards etc?

My view of men like him is that they clearly aren't bothered about these things so aren't bothered for themselves either. So if it was my DH they wouldn't get any cards/gifts and I would simply buy myself stuff on my birthday.

For context my DH has never sent a card/gift for any of his family so they don't get anything. It's a shame but is a poor reflection on him imo.

If someone you love says "This is important to me" you pay attention. Even if it isn't important to you. It doesn't matter that he doesn't like anniversaries. The OP does. That's what's important.

So he knows it's something you would enjoy and would make you happy yet still can't be bothered to go to even minimal efforts for you?
Get rid.
He won't change, he dosnt care if you feel loved, appreciated or valued.

You don't sound old enough to be married ten years TBH

I disagree

Fair enough if he doesn't want to make a big deal out of his birthday that's up to him but if someone whom you profess to love asks you to do something that would involve absolute minimal effort to you but would make them disproportionately happy then most people would do it.

I couldnt care less about football but if my dp said it would mean a lot to him if I went to a match on his birthday then I'd happily do so for him.

If OP was demanding a big fuss, party, meal out and expensive presents every year on her birthday, their anniversary, christmas and valentines, your point might be fair. But a bunch of flowers once a year? Someone who can't be bothered with that after it's been spelled out to him why it would mean a lot isn't someone who values their partner.

Is he considerate of you in other ways? In general, I tend to think that if a partner is caring and generous toward you every day, then these special days aren't that crucial, and if he isn't, then whatever he does on the special days won't make up for it. (And it is of extreme importance to me that I must NEVER be in any way reminded of my birthday!)

But if you've asked repeatedly and he's ignored you, that is a bit thoughtless.

Your feelings are valid

I’ll get shot down, but fuck it

I honestly don’t understand why people put this arbitrary pressure on their relationships to prove their love and commitment. Particularly women, who seem to place so much value on acknowledging dates and giving gifts. Why?

Surely the measure of your relationship is how you get on in day to day life, how good a father he is etc.

Dont be a martyr. You enjoy the anniversaries etc so you organise it. Organise a nice meal and order flowers from the florist that he can pick up.

Why make yourself unhappy? Why bring in extra drama?

If he was celebrating others birthdays and anniversaries, then you may have a point but he probably forgets all his family’s too.

I stopped years ago organising my DHs side of the family birthday cards/gifts. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he doesn’t. But they all know he’s a loving and caring guy that will do anything for them. The sort of guy that you can call up at 3am in the morning and he’ll come a pick you up, or lend a hand and a car when moving house.

Try and find the ways your husband shares his love and care, notice them, acknowledge them. Let go of holding him to dates and gifts. Make that your thing, that’s how you show love but let go of the stress.

Why have you resurrected a thread that is 11 months old ?

Why why why ???

Why why why.lol because some of us struggle with this.