DP's wanting too much of my time.

[toofedupoffamily]

Just a rant really.
My parents are not elderly but both expect, in my opinion, way too much of my time and are offended when I don't want to spend as much time with them.

For background:
My parents are not together and I had quite an emotionally neglectful childhood. I'm not an only child.

My dad works a typical 9-5 job and my mum works part-time. I have young kids and a business. I don't desire to interact with my parents all the time. When I have spare time, I want to be with my husband, kids, friends, hobbies etc. I do not want to have to spend so much energy on my parents. On the other hand, my parents spend their weekends with their own parents and they think that this is ideal.

My dad wants to text a lot and have weekly video chats, and weekly visits. We have nothing to say though. He is emotionally distant and we don't really know each other as people that well. It's draining for me, so I try to put it off as much as possible. Then he'll get huffy. He's also very bitchy and so I never feel comfortable being myself around him.

My mum would text me and call me all day if I let her. Again, I don't want to talk to her that often. She gets jealous when we spend time or do anything with PILs, but we enjoy being around them as they're not so emotionally taxing and demanding. Again, my mum would happily just bitch about everyone she knows every time I visit.

They're not the best grandparents either, they're very childlike themselves and despite having ample help from their own parents, it's never something that they've offered to do for their own kids and grandkids. I don't mind as PILs are great and I don't need money or childcare from my own parents, but I am objectively resentful of how self-involved they are. If I did need them, they wouldn't be mature enough to help anyway. When we do visit either of them, they both want to be the centre of my attention and get huffy that I'm interacting with my DC and that my focus isn't 100% on them.

The thing is that both of my parents think that I prefer the other parent and they get angry and jealous about that too, but the truth is that I don't really care that much about either one of them. The more they do this, the more I find myself wanting to have more and more distance from both of them.

What's your question? Are you being unreasonable for feeling like this? No, you're not.

I know exactly what you're talking about and if you can just be blunt about what you can give them if anything that's fine. I have struggled with this but things improved when I directly said 'don't ring me every day I have other things to do'. It was so hard though!!!

I don't know if I really have a question, I suppose I'm just feeling a bit fed up with them.

I do set boundaries but they are so easily offended and angered that it makes me just avoid them instead.

They’re driving you away, and because they’re so self centred they can’t see that.
I had a parent like yours, needy, jealous, everything was about them, conversations were a monologue from them about themselves and bitching about other people. It was extremely draining. Yet they moaned that I didn’t see them enough.
Carry on as you are, keep them at arm’s length, reduce contact if it’s better for you, and never feel guilty.

The thing is that both of my parents think that I prefer the other parent and they get angry and jealous about that too, but the truth is that I don't really care that much about either one of them. The more they do this, the more I find myself wanting to have more and more distance from both of them.

This is who they are if there’s no chance of them being reflective of their behaviour or changing, then you need to make a decision about your boundaries regarding them. Don’t feel guilty about the relationship that they have spectacularly failed to have with you.

Op, the only thing to do is say no and keep saying it. They will react badly and that’ll be hard for you. I imagine you’ve been trained from a young age to capitulate to all their needs. Focus on your own family and don’t feel guilty.

You've probably hit the nail on the head about the jealousy aspect. It sounds like your parents are both immature and lacking in emotional intelligence.

In any case, you need to know that you don't owe your parents anything.

Asserting clear boundaries and making yourself less available would be a good start. Take some time to read about FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) which is very common in daughters of dysfunctional parents.

You have created your own lovely family unit with your DH and DC, and you are right to place you attention there.

Start as you mean to go on and stop answering calls and texts while you decide what will work best for you. A once a week call for example, and not answering text messages until you fancy doing so.

Re-set the relationship so that it is on your terms, not theirs.

Thanks everyone for your replies, they're really helpful. I am trying my best to set boundaries whether directly, or indirectly with them.

What I will say is that they both go silent and then "love-bomb" me when I distance myself after one of them angrily blows up, is too demanding etc. Very gushy, OTT, long, repetitive messages of loving me so much, so proud of me, how much they love my kids etc. Objectively I know why they're doing it, but it's still hard.

Boundaries are key. Like PP said, you can let them know that you only check WhatsApp once a day/twice a week - whatever works - and change the setting so you are not visible when online there. When you call them, set a time limit and stick to it.

I think you will have to adopt the role of showing them a healthy boundary as they do not seem to know what one is. It must be draining op.

One thing that has helped me is to remind myself that things said are indicate of how they see the world, not indicate of anything I need to do/change/be like.

*indicative