Impossible to date as a lone parent?

BananaSlug · 2023-09-15T09:33:59+00:00

Is it possible to date again as a lone parent? This is aimed at those where the other parent isn’t involved and you don’t have much/ any help from family. Has anyone managed to successfully date again in this situation or am I right in thinking it’s impossible? Any success stories and how did you make it work?

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2023 11:07

It's not impossible, I've done it (and met my DP from online dating).

It's hard and requires planning and decent childcare and if you don't have a network of support you'll have to be prepared to pay for babysitting.

And frankly if you're doing OD you may get to a point of feeling resentful that you're pouring money away to have pointless dates with people which don't go anywhere so you might want to ration it and only invest money when you think someone is a decent prospect.

I did end up thinking "why am I wasting money on having a drink with someone who I know I won't ever see again". If I hadn't met my DP when I did I might have stopped bothering.

But it's definitely not impossible.

Tlolljs · 15/09/2023 11:13

Depends on how old and how many children I’d have thought

Original poster

BananaSlug · 15/09/2023 11:16

Thanks mine are coming up to preteens now so I’m thinking it may be best to wait a couple more years so they are old enough to babysit for the evening? Rather than spending ££ on babysitters 🤔 but then that will still mean a few more years alone

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Original poster

BananaSlug · 15/09/2023 19:00

Anyone else made it work 🙂

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Lachimolala · 15/09/2023 19:17

How old are your kids?

My younger two do go to their dads, but my pre-teen eldest I’m a lone parent too. They are now old enough (almost 13) to be left for a few hours of an evening so I can nip out for a date.

Before this I used a babysitter. Found a local girl by word of mouth on one of the community facebook groups. Hired her once or twice a month to watch all the kids so I could go out for dinner or drinks etc. It’s pricey but for me a worthwhile cost because even if the date/person was rubbish, I was still getting out of the house and socialising! Better than sitting inside morose and bored!

Could you do something similar?

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/09/2023 19:26

Of course it is possible. Utilize kid free time wisely, factor cost of babysitting in, coordinate playdates occasionally so both (all) ? Your kids are elsewhere. You also need to find someone who understands the situation and is prepared not to be first priority pretty much ever and accept what you can offer. I'm almost a decade into a relationship now but we don't live together, he doesn't spend much time with my two, it's a separate thing and that's fine with us. It's about re-imagining what a relationship "should" look like and doing what fits your situation.

Original poster

BananaSlug · 15/09/2023 19:26

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/09/2023 19:26

Of course it is possible. Utilize kid free time wisely, factor cost of babysitting in, coordinate playdates occasionally so both (all) ? Your kids are elsewhere. You also need to find someone who understands the situation and is prepared not to be first priority pretty much ever and accept what you can offer. I'm almost a decade into a relationship now but we don't live together, he doesn't spend much time with my two, it's a separate thing and that's fine with us. It's about re-imagining what a relationship "should" look like and doing what fits your situation.

I don’t get child free time 😂 I’m a lone parent no single parent my kids don’t visit their dad

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Yellowlegobrick · 15/09/2023 19:31

pay for a babysitter
trade for a favour from a friend who'll babysit
ask family to help
if children are in school/childcare, use annual leave or flexitime to meet for lunch

Original poster

BananaSlug · 15/09/2023 19:32

Yes I’m aware of that stuff however I don’t know many people that have actually managed it hence why asking for success stories 😏

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Beezknees · 15/09/2023 20:15

More hassle than it's worth imo. What's wrong with having a few years alone? I've been a lone parent for 15 years.

MintJulia · 15/09/2023 20:27

I dated a single dad for 4 years, but when his dd turned 17 & found her independence, he wanted to travel and presented me with an ultimatum to 'get rid of ds half the time' DS was 9 at the time. Needless to say, I declined and that was the end of that.

Since then I haven't really bothered. DS is 15 now, and I'm just starting to rebuild my social life. Maybe I'll try again.

Starlightstarbright2 · 15/09/2023 20:28

I didn’t manage it …

mine is now a teenager . I didn’t have the income to pay for a babysitter .. and like you free time wasn’t something I had .. All I will say is it gets easier for me the landmark of my freedom was when I was able to join a gym .

Lottie13579 · 15/09/2023 20:28

Im hoping my story will give you hope. I met my current partner 3 years ago. He was in a co-parenting situation and had his children over night 5 nights a week , followed by 7 nights. I have 2 children whos father disappeared a few months before I met my current partner ( had been spilt over a year), so my children were always with me! We still made it work though! It helped that it was covid times and we spent a good while getting to know each other on the phone/texting first. I knew he was worth the stress of trying to get some time together. My dad and sister babysat for me once or twice, i think there was a beavers/cubs night so we got a evening together, we used to have AL days together, i would drive to his when he was WFH for lunch, we had date nights at mine when the kids were in bed, i would pop them into an extra days sport club in the holiday and we would get a day together, he would work from my house on my day off just so we could see each other etc. And things always seem to change!- a few months after we started seeing each other his ex decided she wanted to see the kids more, changed her job and had them a few extra nights a week meaning he was free to come to mine. Recently my childrens father made contact again after 2 years, after ensuring it was safe and appropriate they have started to see him EOW, meaning we get more time together. We both were in similiar situations and got it. Time was precious and we got it anyway we could! Dont give up.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/09/2023 20:29

I think it’s hard to start off dating if you haven’t got easy, go to childcare options, or predictable child free time. Mine go to their dad’s but it’s not really enough time to kick start online dating, which is a bit of a numbers game.

If I were to meet someone in the ordinary course of life, and then wanted to go on a date, I could arrange babysitting for that/ arrange around time with their dad (I appreciate you don’t have this second option). Online dating is different as it needs a big investment of time in most cases - some can be lucky and meet someone they like quickly but not in the majority of cases.

I can’t be arsed with it myself. Just don’t want to put in the time required. What with work, kids and wanting to see my actual friends and family, do a bit of exercise etc, there’s nothing left for dating.

Maybe when the kids are properly independent I’ll have time to spare…

Lottie13579 · 15/09/2023 20:33

Also i have a lovely friend whos ex partner passed away so she has her children all the time but she met her partner soon after me and they also make it work and are very happy. It can and does work for some!

ChristmasCrumpet · 15/09/2023 20:57

It's literally as simple as paying for a babysitter. I don't get the defeatist attitude that "I can't pay for a babysitter every time I want to go out on a date for 18yrs" because that's actually nonsense. They suggests you can only ever socialise outside of your house. And my son's father has never had him either, so that's not a total barrier, unless you want to make it one.

I met DH, on a night out, having paid for a babysitter and going out with my friend, no intention of meeting anyone.

I paid for maybe 6 more evenings over a course of time, and then (when I knew him better, and had stalked on social media to look for any red flags) I would invite him round and we'd have dinner when DS was in bed.

Then, gradually he'd pop over in the day, with DS here. Which is absolutely no different to one of my friends popping in, male or female. DS is used to my friends stopping by all the time, my guy friends were always using my garage to tinker on their cars, and would be around a lot. My female friends would often come over for movie nights and stay over. DH was no different in DS mind.

It became so normal for DH to be around, that it wasn't weird when we became an item romantically in DS' eyes. He was chuffed. He was a big fan of DH and his Lego skills lol.

We've been married 4yrs now, with 2dc together.

My friend is constantly complaining about being single. Identical situation to me at the time, one DS and absent father. But if you suggest she gets off her arse and stops whining and actually doing something proactive, all the excuses come out. How she can't possibly leave DC with a random stranger babysitter. Then when I point out, I interviewed over 10 candidates for my babysitter post, and settled with one who was a qualified nursery nurse, two excellent references, DBS checked and with a first aid certificate, so probably better at looking after my child than I was...then the excuse changed to how it was too expensive. Then it was she has nothing to wear. Then it was the fathers fault because he should be having his son and unless he was, it was impossible for her to leave the house and meet someone. And what it boils down to, is that if you want to make it happen, you will, and if you don't, you'll always have an excuse.

Sure it's easier if you've got an ex/parents/friends/family who can have your DC while you initially date. But it's by no means impossible if you don't have that. Just depends on your mindset. It will always be impossible to my friend.

Original poster

BananaSlug · 15/09/2023 21:02

Beezknees · 15/09/2023 20:15

More hassle than it's worth imo. What's wrong with having a few years alone? I've been a lone parent for 15 years.

I have. I’ve been single for 6 years 😊

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Original poster

BananaSlug · 15/09/2023 21:04

Lottie13579 · 15/09/2023 20:28

Im hoping my story will give you hope. I met my current partner 3 years ago. He was in a co-parenting situation and had his children over night 5 nights a week , followed by 7 nights. I have 2 children whos father disappeared a few months before I met my current partner ( had been spilt over a year), so my children were always with me! We still made it work though! It helped that it was covid times and we spent a good while getting to know each other on the phone/texting first. I knew he was worth the stress of trying to get some time together. My dad and sister babysat for me once or twice, i think there was a beavers/cubs night so we got a evening together, we used to have AL days together, i would drive to his when he was WFH for lunch, we had date nights at mine when the kids were in bed, i would pop them into an extra days sport club in the holiday and we would get a day together, he would work from my house on my day off just so we could see each other etc. And things always seem to change!- a few months after we started seeing each other his ex decided she wanted to see the kids more, changed her job and had them a few extra nights a week meaning he was free to come to mine. Recently my childrens father made contact again after 2 years, after ensuring it was safe and appropriate they have started to see him EOW, meaning we get more time together. We both were in similiar situations and got it. Time was precious and we got it anyway we could! Dont give up.

Thank you that is good to hear. My kids dad would never ever have them but thankfully they are growing up now

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Peanutlicious · 15/09/2023 21:04

Yes it's possible. I met my partner this way several years ago. We didn't go out on traditional dates though (dinner, drinks etc), we would go out for a coffee or walk to fit around my children being at school. We now go out twice a month with a paid babysitter which is nice. Nowhere fancy, just nice to have some alone time. I didn't intend to find someone though, I met him through church.

NewName122 · 15/09/2023 21:07

Yes I did / have. Dated and had a relationship for over 7 years. Didn't work out and now dating again.

Zanatdy · 15/09/2023 21:07

Well if you can pay a babysitter yes, otherwise no. I didn’t date for 12yrs as I didn’t have a babysitter and wasn’t planning on introducing men to my children. I could have paid, but I was working full time, had a health condition and would rather have gone to bed early! Kids are growing up now so I can date and did earlier this year, dated a single dad who had his kids 100% of time! Couldn’t make it up. We got on great but he had no regular babysitter until their mum become more involved so that’s all over / on hold. Who knows, for now I’m just going to bed early and have a very busy social life with friends anyway

borninthe80esss · 15/09/2023 21:13

I was in your situation and I'm now happily married to a man I met OLD.
I stayed single for years and started dating when my DS was 14.
He helped that my partner was a single dad so had the same restrictions around how often we could meet.
For the first year we'd meet once a week for lunch and every other weekend at each other's houses. I mainly used the same school mum friend for babysitting and I'd do the same for her.
After the first year we introduced ourselves to each other's children and after two years we moved in together.
Coming up to 10 years as a couple now.

lookingforanswrra · 15/09/2023 21:28

@BananaSlug hi, I didn’t meet someone in the sense of a full relationship, however, when I did online dating I wasn’t short of interest. I put a stop to it because I just wasn’t keen on being with anyone at the time. So this post may or may not be helpful to you.. but what I would say that may be relevant to you is that I did get to know a few men who were very happy about it being me and dc, it definitely didn’t seem to put anyone off. On that basis, whilst I can’t say ‘yes I’m now married,’ I can say that I had every confidence that I would go on to meet someone if I had stuck with it. Personally, I would talk to people for a while - weeks - before meeting and only then spend the money on a babysitter and just for a quick drink so you are not wasting time. The great thing about having kids already is that you really don’t have time for the people who aren’t clear about what they want. I had a friend who was single and childless who had more issues dating and with people she met compared to me, and I really do think it was because I had to be very clear from the start that I had dc and know that the person was accepting of that… it weeds out those men who are incapable of having a serious conversation (and believe me, there are plenty of those you want to avoid!). My post isn’t that helpful I don’t think and I’ve massively gone off on a tangent, but what I’m trying today is don’t lose hope, date via your phone with phone calls and texts… someone who is right to you will be right in the long run regardless of your dc and the restrictions/slow pace that may put on a relationship.

lookingforanswrra · 15/09/2023 21:29

*trying to say

Donut22 · 15/09/2023 21:37

I think it is impossible to, not sure how other lone parents do it? I have no childcare unless kids at school (but i am at work) so couldn't even date during the day. I've been single for 3years and can't see it changing unless I bump into Prince charming in asda 🤣 that said I'm also not looking for a relationship I'm very happy by myself maybe too happy 🤣