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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does work give you a break from your baby/toddler or does it make things harder?

34 replies

lookingforanswrra · 15/09/2023 09:38

Just that really. I have little to no help from DC’s dad apart from financial. I am finding everyday very hard, it’s CONSTANT planning to do things and going out. She’s now 8 months and i have considered going back to work sooner but then people at my baby group say l will just make my life even harder…. I don’t know what to do. I work in accountancy and in an office/from home, not sure if that’s relevant really. Can’t afford childcare without going back to work so bit stuck otherwise. Will I be making things harder?

OP posts:
Sunglassesweather · 15/09/2023 09:40

It depends on the nature of your job I think. Mine gives me a break, especially on my WFH days. It enables me to keep on top of life admin, laundry, etc, which I'd struggle to do with a toddler around. Full-time parenting is hard! I enjoy the change of pace of work.

Spottytoddler · 15/09/2023 09:42

Work definitely gives me a break. It’s busy but it gives you headspace to think about your goals and your own identity and something that’s not nappies/naps/weaning etc. It’s also extremely important IMO in terms of your future earning potential, your pension contributions etc. Full time would be a bit much for me especially with very young kids but I think working day 3 days per week is the best of both worlds.

WeightoftheWorld · 15/09/2023 09:46

Ive found it easier being back at work both times BUT I'm not a single parent, my partner is great so whether I'd feel the same if I were on my own, I can't say.

I've enjoyed the peace and quiet, adult conversation, lunch breaks. All my jobs since I've had children have involved some home working too which makes a big difference to our quality of life as I can get laundry done when I'm at home, and cleaning, cooking dinner etc in the time I'd otherwise have been travelling home from work.

My jobs have never been too difficult/stressful/demanding though and my kids are all of those things...! So it would probably also depend on your work, and your child's personality. I struggle to get any housework done when I've got the youngest with me (nearly 2) and even cooking a basic dinner is extremely stressful and he will just stand screaming at the kitchen baby gate the entire time.

Hardbackwriter · 15/09/2023 09:53

Both, in my experience. My job is quite stressful and full-on but I still think it gives me a head space - time to be an adult and to think and focus on something other than domestic minutiae - that I would go mad without. It makes a massive difference whether or not you largely like your work, though. I know a lot of people who feel resentful that they only have childcare when they work so there's no regular time for them; I don't feel like that, I accept that my work time is my child-free time and that most of the rest of my time is for my children. I do also have a partner who facilitates some me-time (and I for him) which I appreciate makes a huge difference.

When I was on my second mat leave I was struck by just how much easier it is to keep on top of household stuff if you don't work, even with a baby. But I don't think it would be a good tradeoff for me.

donkra · 15/09/2023 09:57

It was 100% a break when mine were tiny. Peace, autonomy, way less boring. Hot coffee. Not having my food grabbed. Personal space.

It's shifted a bit now they're older and capable of amusing themselves more.

Spottytoddler · 15/09/2023 10:02

The other thing I would say is it depends on whether working brings you extra quality of life in other ways. We are lucky in that we could (possibly) just about afford for me not to work. But if I didn’t then we wouldn’t have holidays or as many family trips out and we wouldn’t have any savings and I’d be counting the pennies at Lidl every week whereas working allows us to have more financial flexibility and freedom. So it also gives me a break in the sense that it takes the worry of money off my mind and also gives me a break by enabling me to pay for stuff that we enjoy.

Colourfulponderings · 15/09/2023 10:03

Totally. I’m broken by the end of a bank holiday weekend and desperate to get back to work.

FrozenGhost · 15/09/2023 11:47

I think it gives a nice break, I enjoy having both elements (work and parenting) in my life. Does it make things harder? Not really. Some parts might be harder. Mornings are rushed. Having to take time off work for child's inevitable illnesses is a big one.

But the easier parts - it's a break as you said. Also the house doesn't get messy with both of you out of the house all day.

Another upside - if you work, and one day are sick or have an important appointment, you can take a sick day/book a day off and still send the child to day care. Staying at home, you don't have this option.

Taylorswiftserastour · 15/09/2023 12:12

Not sure it's a break but it's different - mornings and evenings are a bit more rushed on work days than maybe I would like but being organised helps. I try to get as much done round the house as I can during the week so weekends are more time with DC and leisure time.

Plus it's nice to have a chat with adults and eat my lunch without a child sitting on me staring at my sandwich.

mindutopia · 15/09/2023 12:20

Yes, definitely. I found life much easier both times when I went back to work.

If staying at home FT with small children was easier than working, men would be clambering to do it too. They aren't.

donkra · 15/09/2023 12:29

if you work, and one day are sick or have an important appointment, you can take a sick day/book a day off and still send the child to day care

Totally true. When mine were preschool, I used to hold back 1-2 days a year of my annual leave for myself while DC were in childcare. Those days were bliss and really helped sustain me mentally.

seemedancing · 03/03/2024 18:24

Work is a break! I have twins!

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/03/2024 18:33

I used to joke that the train to work was the only time I got any sleep!

It was easier. It was a break from the relentless demands. Nice to have a lunch break too.

Iop · 03/03/2024 19:14

Work made my life much harder. I have a 4yo and a 16mo. All that changed when I went back to work is that now I have work stress as well as home stress, and I have less time to get stuff done at home, so twice as little quality time with my kids. First because of the time they're at nursery and then again because when they're at home I'm just trying to get housework done. The small improvement in our finances is not worth it in the slightest - over 50% of what I earn goes towards nursery costs and my stress levels are higher than they've ever been. My mental health is in the toilet. I desperately wish I could just be at home with them but I would lose my professional registration.

Froggy99 · 03/03/2024 19:17

I’ve gone back to work recently if I could stay at home I would. I’m always knackered by 10pm.
I really enjoyed my maternity leave and if I could afford more time off I would take it in a heartbeat.

Iop · 03/03/2024 19:19

(I should say that I work on a hospital ward and my workday is just firefighting, fielding complaints and abuse, working my arse off to give the bear minimum of care, and shovelling in a few bites of food when I can. I think if I was in a different job - not suggesting that NHS workers have a monopoly on stress by any means - I would feel differently and might feel that work provided some respite and a chance to think, eat etc.)

hmyh23 · 03/03/2024 19:20

I'm a teacher and I find it a bit of both, I think I'd be bored if I didn't work but I'd like a less stressful job now and the thought of having a WFH day or two where I could get house jobs done in the background would be ideal.

Cockapoopoopoo · 03/03/2024 19:21

A break, always relieved to get back to the routine of Monday. I don't work for the two weeks over Xmas and with the school holidays I am a shell of a woman by new year's.

Cockapoopoopoo · 03/03/2024 19:21

But I should clarify I don't have a particularly stressful job

LavenderHaze19 · 03/03/2024 19:23

I think working makes life more stressful but I do have a really stressful job.

Niegenug · 03/03/2024 19:30

I wa a single parent of one child and went back to work when he was 8 months old doing 30 hours. So DS was in nursery 4 days a week. Honestly it was the best thing I did. I always said I went back, to work to get a rest! Plus I was earning my own money and keeping my career going. Also, my DS got to meet and play with lots of other children, which is good if they are an only child. So I recommend you going back to work if you can.

Peppapog263 · 03/03/2024 19:31

I work with small children and so I definitely don’t find it a break. Tbh I’d rather be at home as 2 small children are easier than 30!

Janedoelondon · 03/03/2024 19:34

Work improved things for me! Took a long mat leave with my first and went back to work 30 hours a week, 4 days. Loved it and loved the balance. Wonderful to engage my brain in a different way, reignite that side of my identity. It definitely made me a better mum and I enjoyed time with my little boy much more! 6 months later and on mat leave again with my second, will be taking a shorter leave this time for the reasons I mentioned!

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 03/03/2024 19:47

Work was a relief for me, I dreaded going back but within 5 mins I found myself relaxing and feeling more like myself again!

I love my dd and being my mum but I need something for myself as well.

That said I worked part time, three days a week was a good balance for me.

Darkdiamond · 03/03/2024 19:51

I'm a Year 1 teacher. I don't get a minute and when I'm not teaching 5 year olds, I'm planning and prepping for my next lesson, or writing reports or marking or making resources or any of the million classroom jobs I need to keep on top of. I work over my break and try to get as much done at work so I have less to do at home, but I do work on a Sunday for a few hours.

I love my job but it is absolutely exhausting, draining and at times overwhelming. By the end of each half term, I'm so tired that I worry if I'm going to actually just fall over on the street. I've been so exhausted that I was hallucinating at night and crying on my way to work because my 2 year old handnt slept and I hlknew i had to stay in work til 7pm doing parent teacher meetings that night.

I've 3 kids, the youngest is a toddler, the other two still in primary school and after a full on day teaching young children, I come home and start trying to do some housework, make food, clean the kitchen, take kids to clubs and then get ready for the next day. My Weekends are spent cleaning, sorting and tidying. Having a cleaner didn't actually.make that much difference as the management of the home is.more than just cleaning.

When I was off on maternity leave, we would take the older kids to school, potter around, go for walks, meet friends, make dinner, get some housework done as and when. Maybe have a nap if the baby slept long enough. If onenof my older kids were sick, they could just stay off with me and there wasn't the gut wrenching guilt of having to call in to work to say another one of my kids was sick, again, and I needed ANOTHER day day off as my dh did it last time. Fighting with my DH over whose day was the most full the next day and who could take it off. At one point, when I was off with my middle child, my eldest was 2 and I was on my own with them all day and it was still so.much.easier than working.

What are these jobs where people go to work for a break? Can I have an application form because I don't get any kind of a break.

My husband and I share the load equally and it's still utterly exhausting! My eye is beginning to get a twitch because it's near the Easter holidays and I am shattered!!!