Normal 6 year old behaviour?

[alltalknobaby]

AIBU to think this is not normal behaviour in a 6.5 year old child?

• Refuses to brush teeth / get dressed / put shoes / etc on every day, this escalates to full-blown crying and screaming yet she cannot articulate why she doesn’t want to do it. Every single day.
• About 50% of the time, when she sits down to eat dinner, cries that she doesn’t want it, gets herself into a similar state to above, eventually eats it (it’s always things we know she likes. We don’t feed her food she actually doesn’t like)
• Cannot go to bed without similar fuss as above. Cries, tantrums, etc etc about various parts of the daily routine (teeth brushing, pyjamas, etc)
• Cries for us from bed after we’ve said goodnight every night. Reasons vary from actual issues (she suffers with growing pains) to “my neck is itchy” and the like. Every night.
• Has to be told over and over and over again to do things. Completely incapable of doing as she’s asked the first time, at home and at school, unless it’s something she really wants to do (ie something fun)
• Always has to have the last word / win any argument. Will argue that black is white and will not back down.
• Cannot cope with not getting her own way, both at home and with friends at school. At home this results in crying and tantrums. At school with friends this has resulted in verging on bullying behaviour that is being addressed with some additional emotional literacy support.

In case you can’t tell, I am a bit broken. Please be kind.

IABU - totally normal behaviour for a 6 year old child
IANBU - not normal, red flags for behavioural concerns

Do school have any concerns beyond emotional literacy? Have you spoken to the SENCO? I try to avoid armchair diagnosis but she has certain things in common with one of my DC, and we are pretty sure he is neurodivergent - we’re looking into autism assessment. Some of how you describe her sounds as though she has a strong need to be in control, is quite anxious (the two are often related) and perhaps demand avoidant. That’s just my interpretation and I’m no expert but I would definitely look into neurodiversity and how autism presents in girls.

A lot of those things by themselves probably aren’t unusual for a 6 year old, though! (Doesn’t make it any easier to live with!)

Have you asked school how she is there? I wouldn't rush to say autism as all kids have their moments and stages. My now.6 year old was like this at home and has reduced the drama dramatically over the last year. She is naturally stubborn but is like a different child now and rarely has a tantrum. See what school says about behaviour there before worrying too much. It's bloody hard tbiuhh! I feel your pain

She sounds really insecure, OP. Struggling so much with separation, feelings of shame, struggling to tolerate not being in control, not being able to cope with being ‘wrong’. What has her life been like? How do you respond to her when she’s in these moments of dysregulation?

I have discussed parts of her behaviour with school, but they don’t know the full extent of what she’s like at home. She’s receiving this emotional literacy support to help with “being a kind friend” and to get her to listen better. I asked her year 1 teacher at the end of last year whether she thought she could potentially have ADD but she thought not, as “she is fully capable of concentrating and sitting still when she’s doing something she wants to do”.

How we respond when she’s like this - with patience and love 99% of the time. I give her time to feel her feelings first, especially if she’s run off, and then I offer her cuddles and talk to her about what happened, ask her to apologise if necessary, etc. We have a reward chart for bedtime and sleeping through the night (she also comes in and wakes me frequently at night) but I’d say it’s not that successful unfortunately.

The other 1% of the time I’m ashamed to say I lose my shit and shout at her, like this morning 😣 My reserves are very depleted at the moment. No excuse though.

Her life has been happy, secure, no drama / death / loss. Her dad and I are very happy together and our home is calm and stress-free (except for this).

I’m so worried that we’ve somehow fucked her up 😭

If I assume it’s a behavioural issue, where do I start with looking for help for her?

Get a Sen assessment. I have a child with sensory issues and this sounds similar.

I have re read this and it definitely sounds like it needs exploring with a paediatrician specialising in sensory issues. Get a referral. The book the Explosive Child is very good - that may help you understand her better. My son has DCD and sensory issues and we experienced many of the same things children with sensory issues need to be managed in a different way avoiding conflict and given plenty of time to adjust to change.

Is she the same getting dressed at the weekend- or just for school? If you said get dressed for a party would she have a melt down?

Was she as anxious (or other unusual factors) before covid? Lockdowns have a lot to answer for. Can you stay with her until she goes to sleep? Have you tried a weighted blanket? Are you getting her dressed and cleaning her teeth to reduce the stress?

I would do everything you can to avoid the distress. Separately, can you afford any kind of private assessing? Wait lists in schools and NHS are horrendous right now.

She has always had sleep issues - we needed a sleep consultant during lockdown due to issues that started in the October before lockdown. Sleep consultant “guaranteed us” she would have it licked within 2 weeks. 2.5 months later, she finally signed us off, saying she will never again make the 2 week promise. So we don’t stay with her until she falls asleep because we have quite a strict bedtime routine and if we give a millimetre, she takes a mile.

Sometimes has the same issues getting dressed at the weekend, yes. Despite being very independent normally and having been able to get herself dressed from very young, we do help her to get dressed and brush her teeth for her when she needs help.

We can afford private help but I don’t know where to start. What do I even look for? Child psychologist? Counsellor? SEN… support?

Hi, I know this is a couple of years old but came across this while googling. Just wondered if you ever had an update on your daughter- this was literally like reading about my little girl and I am really struggling!