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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to force ds go to extra curricular activity?

14 replies

ApplesvsPears · 15/09/2023 09:04

ds has 1-1 music lessons that are booked until mid November at £26 a time. There was a discount if we booked a block with no flexibility in the booking. We opted for 16 which wasn’t the most, just so we could assess then, which ds was happy with and said he would go to them. 2 weeks ago he said he really hates it now and doesn’t want to do the instrument anymore, I’ve told him that’s fine but we will stick out the lessons until the block is over. He didn’t practice at home the whole time in between his last 2 and his teacher was basically a bit miffed and unhappy. I spoke to her and said he isn’t very keen but we would like to finish the sessions we have booked and she was actually rather nice and said she would not set “homework” and make them relaxed. He still doesn’t want to go, he went for one more which she actually kindly changed the day despite the company not allowing it because ds was being particularly refusing one of the times before. We have several sessions left and it’s a lot of money which we don’t have but wanted ds to have the opportunity if he wanted it. DH has said we absolutely make him still do it but I’m not sure, the money is paid regardless and if he’s really hating it and we have tried 2 more and even one being a flexible and now he’s really just not doing it at all at home and doesn’t even want to attend, I think it’s not worth it. Do I still make him go? DH seems to think it’s an important lesson he learns because he agreed to do it until the first block was over

OP posts:

Batatahara · 15/09/2023 09:05

How old is he?

tescocreditcard · 15/09/2023 09:08

Dig a bit deeper. I asked to be removed from guitar lessons when I was 11 because the teacher kept touching my thigh but I was embarrassed to say anything in case it was accidental. It wasn't . He was prosecuted for a similar offence a few years later.

storypushers · 15/09/2023 09:09

It does make a difference how old he is, 8 or under then just leave it. Any older I think you need to tell him how much it cost and be more careful when booking and committing in the future. Older than 15 and I'd expect a token contribution towards it. Seems pointless continuing though!

TokyoSushi · 15/09/2023 09:12

Tricky one. I very much see your point about wasting money, and he's committed but he should go. But if he's making no effort, refusing to go etc etc, then it's not very fair on the teacher and just painful for everybody.

Hicks123 · 15/09/2023 09:12

Whilst I understand your DH’s view, if your DS hates it that much it may only teach him not to try anything again in case he hates that too. Especially if he is young and this was a new experience for him. If he’s given it a decent try and still hates it then I would be inclined not to force him. If he’s older, had done it before and knew what he was getting into then I might think differently.

Original poster

ApplesvsPears · 15/09/2023 09:14

Sorry, can’t believe I forgot his age! He’s just turned 12 so definitely old enough to understand the commitment and what we were saying he has to commit to before we booked them and when I say this to him he says he really wanted to do them at the time but he just doesn’t enjoy them now (we are about 10 lessons into it) and that the last thing he wants to be doing is practicing (just started secondary school)

I don’t think anything more is going on, he just seems to hate the instrument and the extra it takes, I’ve explained he doesn’t need to practice outside the sessions and to just go to them and he just says it’s pointless and he’s too tired but then we say we are paying £26 and that he knows we aren’t made of money at the moment and he just says he’s sorry and won’t ask to do something again

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 15/09/2023 09:14

Assuming he's not a little kid, I think it's fine to ask him to finish the classes he's committed to.

Fiddlerdragon · 15/09/2023 09:17

@tescocreditcard wtaf? I’ve just Googled statistics out of interest and just under 94% of kids drop out of their music lessons after they’ve got bored of them. Between my kids we’ve been through 4 dance groups, tae kwondo (sp), judo, horse riding, boxing, tumbling, swimming, the trumpet, ‘knit and natter’, and that’s just off the top of my head. Not including the piano which my dd was on the waiting list 4 years for and quit after 2 lessons. She didn’t even open the books the teacher asked me to order. I don’t think the go to of ‘my kid cba to go to music lessons anymore’ is to just check he isn’t being beasted by his music teacher!

SeaToSki · 15/09/2023 09:18

Does he get pocket money? Does he have any money saved? I would offer him the option of buying himself out of the remaining lessons..and then when he wants to buy something in the future remind him that he chose to spend his money on the lesson buy out and ask him if he is still glad he made the choice as he cant buy this new thing? Might be a good learning opportunity for him. I did this with my ds when he wanted something expressed shipped, and he has never asked again/said it wasnt worth it.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/09/2023 09:27

The thing is, if he does no practice outside the lesson, he'll hate it even more! It gets dispiriting if you can't play the instrument & aren't getting better!

I feel your pain as I've had similar with my sporty sons who were determined to reject any attempt by me to do anything musical! My DD loved music & kept it going all the way through tho had to learn the discipline of regular practice.

I think I'd try one more time to agree with him that he'll engage with lessons & do some practice, until the lessons are finished. It's too much money to lose.

ittakes2 · 15/09/2023 09:43

If she could teach him another instrument I would try this - or ask her to teach him how to read music or teach him some christmas ditty's - something fun to inspire him. I would make him try if she agreed to do this.
Its likely he is missing play station time with his friends or something

LilyLemonade · 15/09/2023 09:53

I think he should do it until the end. 16 lessons is enough to get into it a little bit and he’ll have started learning the skill by that time. Any skill is worth it, even if after that he hates it and doesn’t want to continue. I would even make him practise. It’s a lot of money to just throw away otherwise.

CMOTDibbler · 15/09/2023 09:53

Its a sunk cost fallacy - you've paid that money anyway and you can either have paid it and make everyones life miserable everyweek by insisting he goes (and learns nothing), or write it off to experience and still have paid the money but no one is stressed out every week

rainylake · 15/09/2023 10:18

I would make him go and also insist on 5 min of practice a day so that the lessons are worthwhile and pleasant. He has made a commitment and practising is part of honouring that commitment. If he doesn’t practise it is a vicious cycle - lessons are stressful and you feel demoralised because it is hard and you don’t see progress. Almost all children need help and insistence from parents to get into a good practice routine - it is just part of what you have to do to get your child to learn an instrument.
I know so many adults who regret dropping their musical instrument because they cba to practise and now wish their parents had been a bit firmer with them. It is much much harder to learn as an adult.

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