To go bat shit at being treated like a maid

[TryAgainAnotherDay]

Have been unwell and in bed for 2 days, first day of feeling better today get up and everywhere is a mess. Live with DH and father and both of them have left the kitchen a state after not washing a single thing for 2 days. DH has been using my car which is also a state, all been left for me to clean. Df called me this morning and asked me as i feel better can i nip to the shops for him to get him some things. Both DH and DF are at work.

AIBU to go bat shit?

Please do not do this, they are absolutely taking the piss. I put yabu only because unless you dig your heels in, say no and stick to it it will keep happening. There is nothing stopping them from doing this stuff but you doing it for them, the only way to stop it is to stop doing it. If it means living in a Sh*thole then you need to decide if you want to live with such minging lazy sods, you don't need to "split up" but refuse to live with them and tell them why, bluntly.

Personally, I am not attracted to people who behave like this, I have no respect for them at all. Live and let live etc., but I won't be joining them.

This sounds soul destroying. What is wrong with these fully grown, supposedly mature men who behave like this?

OP please stand your ground on this, for your sanity but also to show your DD that this behaviour is unacceptable.

I think I’d be going on strike until it was cleared. Or I’d go ballistic but whatever, I wouldn’t clean it up for them.

That's outrageous OP. Stand your ground!

Well obviously you always do everything or they wouldn’t do this.
is there some sort of stand off between them that neither will be the one to stoop to such menial tasks.

I'd go bat shit. Mn loves advising the moral high ground, when I bet half these people have also gone bat shit at times.

Sometimes it pays to go bat shit. This is one of those moments. It's obvious that you've allowed them to think you'll be the 'maid', so they've continued their routine, while you've been out of routine.

I doubt they've been malicious.

Time to set some new house rules. You know what they are and should be.

Dad and DH…

It seems to have skipped your notice that I have been sick and now I am recovering. You two seem to think that my purpose is to provide you with services and a perform series of functions so that you don’t have to get off your backsides. I am going to remind you that I am a person. I have feelings and self-respect. You seem to have forgotten this and can only see me as “A Woman.”

1. Re Card - “No. Get it yourself.”
2. Dad - “I am not going to the shops for you. I am still recovering. Get it yourself.”
3. Car. “Why does my car resemble a wheelie bin? You only had it for X days. Please clean it to the standard it was when you borrowed it.”
4. House. “Why does the house also resemble a wheelie bin. I am not the only adult with eyes and arms and legs in the house. I will not be cleaning this mess up. You will.”

I hope you didn’t get the present. They’re both utterly disrespectful. You need to have a proper discussion about this so it doesn’t continue.

I had two male flatmates who lived like this, they’d create a total mess in the kitchen and expect I’d clean up after them. They soon learnt that I didn’t.

"forget" to buy the gift.

Time to go bat shit.

So disrespectful and lazy. I'd be furious.

I'm 10 days post c-section and ive recently gone bat shit myself. DH is on paid leave but hadn't done laundry, kitchen covered in mess constantly, suitcase from the hospital left full and in the middle of the living room floor.

I'd run out of underwear and clean tops, having blood and vomit on all of them.

It was the last straw, I couldn't believe I'd married someone with so little urgency around caring for me. When he had Covid I kept the house perfectly while bringing him meals and drinks.

I think sometimes there is nothing for it but to get incredibly angry and let them see how outrageous their shitty behaviour is.

It does. It’s not a small thing.

He has improved a lot.

But I had to literally point at all the shit he was leaving about and say:

'What's your plan for this? Am I to do it now, with a raw incision wound? Or is it going to sit there for weeks and wait for me to do when I am better? Even though you are on leave, able bodied, in no pain and having a full night of sleep every night? Explain to me what your intentions are for this.'

Cue DH 'I was just going to do it/I was getting to it/I've been busy looking after (older DC)'

Me: show me your phone, if you've spent less than two hours on Twitter today I'll apologise.

DH: .....I'm getting to it....(victim mentality, like I'm a slave driver)

Me: I shouldn't have to ask for any of this. You're not doing me a favour. You've never once had to ask me to do laundry etc- I just fucking do it.

He's improved, but I've still had to ask him to clean the kitchen, move things off the floor etc.

It's infuriating. He thinks he's working non-stop but he isn't.

Thanks so much.

I think maybe 4 days ago?

I've still had to ask him to do things but overall he's improved a lot.

It annoys me because presumably he will be expecting me to do - all the things - solo with newborn and older DC in tow - on broken sleep once he's back at work. But its apparently impossible for him to stay on top of it now and I'm being mean.

Goodness me, don’t ever go “riot act”.
That is just behaving like a parent. You are not his parent and that dynamic is what can lead to situations like this.

1. Ask him curiously and non-confrontationally why the kitchen is in such a state ( hopefully this will be a wakeup call because he will realise that the truth is “because I left it for you to do”. If you ask him angrily, he will feel defensive and the penny won’t drop.
2. Ask him to clean up his mess.

So far so good.

If he does not do so, then you have a bigger problem. You need a sit-down discussion about how you share out house chores going forwards.
Try and ensure that the kitchen is a shared responsibility. Don’t let him get away with doing the bins once a week etc.
And never ever do his chores for him.

I would text back to DF’s message about the card and gift just one word: “No” and then not look at any more messages for him for the rest of the day so he can see that they are not being read.

With the car and kitchen I would ask them both “when are you going to clean my car/do those dishes”. Just a very clear expectation that this is for them to sort out and a timeline for that is required. If you need a dish and there are none clean, just wash what you need for yourself only. Don’t cook for them if there are no clean pans.

I would go absolutely batshit crazy.

I did go absolutely ballistic with my DH and DS after finally managing to get upstairs for the first time in 3 months after breaking my leg. I had been sleeping in the dining room and having strip washes at the kitchen sink so was really looking forward to a bath and to sleep in my own bed.

DS had a floordrobe of epic proportions; every single towel in the house had been used and left mouldering on the bannisters; toothpaste and beard trimmings around the sink; and to cap it all the laundry that my elderly DM had washed and ironed for us to help out hadn't been put away and had become a bed for the cats.

I read your opening post and was furious on your behalf @TryAgainAnotherDay.

Your husband could use the likes of Moonpig to sort out birthday cards and reminders a week ahead of any special event. Not your job to fix.

I think the message that @NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz put is just perfect.

Now off to carry on reading the rest of the thread.

@SunRainStorm

But its apparently impossible for him to stay on top of it now and I'm being mean.

Tell him what you are is disappointed, rather than mean, because at some stage he'd given you the impression he was a fully grown, capable human who loved and, more importantly, respected his life partner enough that he wouldn't be such a lazy slouch and treat her like an unpaid servant when it came to doing his fair share (ie not "helping") with what needs to be done to keep your lives and children in good order.

It's very difficult, I think, to keep having these conversations with men about wanting a mummy to look after them instead of accepting their responsibilities as grown ups. 🌹

Message:
'I can see that I came downstairs sooner than you two expected and that you haven't had chance to straighten out the place and my car. Don't worry - I'm out for today so you've still time. See you later.'

@TryAgainAnotherDay - please let us know if they came back and cleaned up the place before you got back home?