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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thinking of giving up work already

58 replies

craigth162 · 15/09/2023 08:11

I am in my 40s and have always worked. Mainly ft but 4 days a week for few years when eldest child was young. Im a single parent and youngest child is 3. He is disabled - physically and had behavioural/emotional issues from brain condition. Many hospital stays and countless appointments. Fairly regular surgeries but none since he was just under a year. I went back to work when he was 6 months but only lasted a few weeks as he was not able to be left with childminder and no family to help. Financially we were ok on benefits/disabily payments but i hated it. Child is at nursery now every morning with 1 to 1 support so i managed to get a job working in same industry as before but from home. Basically i work every minute he is in nursery. Its been 3 months and im exhausted. Mentally and physically. So now in a dilemma. I love my job and having money i actually earned. But i never have even 2 minutes to myself. Until the last 3 years id never claimed benefits or relied on others. I didnt have to get a job as child is on highest level disability benefits so i was considered his full time carer.

OP posts:
Original poster
craigth162 · 16/09/2023 15:41

whatnext3 · 16/09/2023 10:31

as you can see from the responses, most posters haven't got a clue what it's like to combine work with caring for a disabled child.

Also, once he starts school thing will not get easier for parents of disabled children? there is next to no childcare that will take our kids. you will be basically shafted for 13 weeks annually.

Just do what feels right for you. if that is giving up work, do it. You do not need permission from MN mums (who largely appear to not know what it involves to bring up a disabled child).

No it wont get easier when hes at school
If anything will be harder. But 2 years befire that

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 16/09/2023 15:44

Does you company have a carer policy? It is worth checking if you can reduce to 4 days a week, working nursery hours. The worse that happens is that they say no

Original poster
craigth162 · 16/09/2023 15:45

Bored1000 · 16/09/2023 13:02

Take another couple of years off, But also do something productive with your free time like a 6 month training course that will make getting back into the workplace easier / further your career / enable you to get a higher wage, you will unlikely have the time to do this in the future so this is your chance

Thanks i did do an open university course last year.

OP posts:
Original poster
craigth162 · 16/09/2023 15:48

Sophie89j · 16/09/2023 14:37

Is it affordable to stop work until he’s a bit older but keep a day of nursery to give you some space/time to yourself? I think personally, the fear that the shunt may last two weeks may last another year and then could be life threatening to my 3yo would make me not want to work but spend as much time with him as possible, granted you need some time to yourself so keep a nursery day if you can afford it for your sanity but I would give up work for the time being just to make as many memories as possible encase of the worse.

The emotional strain of everything with his health you have to deal with sounds knackering let alone everything else you have to deal with as a single mother, it’s hard enough without disabilities brought into the picture, you’re doing amazing and need to give yourself some slack.

How old are the other children? Can they help out a bit more? Does the dad or dads have any involvement? Just thinking of additional support that might be around the corner.

You’re amazing for everything you’re doing and what you’ve been through, you’ll make the right decision.

If i stopped work hed still be at nursery the same hours. All 3 year olds get the same hours per year here - scotland. Nursery is actually great for him because he sees the physio, speech and language, visual impairment team, educational psychologist etc there. He doesnt cope with them coming to house but manages them there.

OP posts:
LadyBitsnBobs · 16/09/2023 15:51

I’m all for people working when they can but in your situation - it’s not “giving up”, it’s recognising you are in a very difficult situation. What does the future hold for you? Could you relocate nearer to family who might support you? What happens when your son reaches school age - with holidays and different hours?

I would throw myself into caring for a few years but you will need adult company; maybe you can make friends with other parents ?

what kind of work do you do - could it spin off into a side hustle/self employed type of thing?

Dogonthebeach · 16/09/2023 16:10

I’ve got three kids and two are autistic also have adhd and one has a medical issue. When they were young I had to stop working as they couldn’t access nursery for more than a few hours a day. Now they’re both in a specialist school and I work 4 and a half days a week, term time only but I’m exhausted. I do all the childcare after school and during the holidays. And work has added more responsibility and stress. We don’t get respite in our area. There’s no holiday clubs that can take my kids because of their needs. One maybe able to be in supported living, the youngest is likely to always be at home or will need a full time care setting. I know it’s likely that at post 16 for one and post 19 for the other, I will need to be a carer again.

I think you need to look after yourself first. You need to have enough energy to cope with your dcs needs.

wirmhole · 16/09/2023 16:30

I stopped working as a single mum once my DS was diagnosed with autism - being a carer and having disability benefits meant it was affordable and I could rely on the money with no expectations to seek work. I didn't see the issue with it tbh - if the DWP thought it was feasible for me to work then they wouldn't have those rules. Psychologically it makes no difference to me whether the money comes from an earned wage or from benefits, it lands in my account and I can spend it in the shops just the same.

My DS is school age and I don't get much time to myself in the evenings or weekends/holidays. School hours is when I get chores and errands done, do exercise and hobbies and social meet ups. If I worked during school hours I'd have no time for any of that and I'd be giving up my free time just to meet the needs of an employer, for not much gain compared to benefits (on the kind of salary I'd get).

ImADevYo · 11/10/2023 21:03

MrsSlocombesCat · 16/09/2023 13:16

Claiming carers allowance means contributions to NI are made. Also who is to say your child will leave home as an adult, I have a son with ASD and he lives with me still at the age of 32. I wouldn’t dream of putting him into assisted living while he has a perfectly good home with me. My advice would be to give up work for the time being and revisit the situation in the future if things change. You need to look after yourself to care for your child.

Show quote history

NI and pension contributions are not the same. The former enables you to claim the state pension (a pittance!). The latter is a private pension paid into the employer's scheme

It's OP choice as to what she wants to do but you can't discount the situation of her son leaving home just because yours never managed to. She is 40 already - will be less than a decade away from retirement when her son becomes an adult. Bit too late trying to scramble around ensuring some semblance of financial security only then.

Fair enough if she decides it's not worth it. But she must make the choice with accurate knowledge

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