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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To daydream about being a SAHP?

28 replies

NameChangedAgain2023 · 14/09/2023 23:21

DH and I both work full time, busy jobs. Kids are in wraparound care most days and it can be very stressful to juggle everything and manage drop offs and pick ups…often we also have to work in the evenings once kids are asleep. On the flip side we are paid well, have nice holidays and (fingers crossed) never have to worry about money.

weekends we want to spend most of the time with the kids (7 and 5), take them to activities and days out…so basically no housework gets done, except a bit of laundry.

we do have a cleaner which helps but tbh I think barely touched the sides and she can only really do a ‘surface clean’ that lasts a few hours before house is a tip again!

we quite often have to ‘throw money at the problem’. For example if we have misplaced something and don’t have time to look we buy a replacement.

I often daydream that it might be easier and less hectic if I didn’t work, we could maybe live (Albeit much more frugally) on one income, and would have a nice, clean and tidy house (and have time to clear stuff and find missing items) and could pick up kids from school at 3pm rather than 6pm.

YANBU - your life would be better as a SAHP
YABU - grass is always greener….your life is better now

OP posts:
hivisalways · 14/09/2023 23:32

Massively depends on lots of things, I think.
You can have the best of both worlds like with opposing working patterns, or a very flexible job. I do empathise. It’s hard working full time as is and the mental load shouldn’t be that high. That being said my sister is a SAHM and I think she would say she is bored and misses her ‘me time’, a chance to be something other than her lovely DCs mum. Different strokes for different folks.

Fluffycloudsblusky · 14/09/2023 23:33

I’d suggest:
leas stuff - less to clean and tidy
Robot hoover/mop
Cleaner comes more often and also does laundry etc

Torganer · 14/09/2023 23:43

Not sure what your job is, but it reads as you don’t really enjoy it. Careers aren’t for everyone, and if one of the couple enjoys and has success in their chosen career, then as long as you pool money - why not!

If you’d be happier being at home, then have a chat with your partner. Is your partner happy working full time too? Is there any scope for you both to do a reduced week?

Siameasy · 14/09/2023 23:43

It sounds really stressful to me so from my perspective I would recommend what I do which is I work part time and DH full time. I’m still contributing to my pension and I will say that I enjoy the social aspect and variety of being at work. But I also have time to do the household stuff and spend time with DD

WhateverMate · 14/09/2023 23:46

There's no YABU or YANBU about it really.

Just give it some serious thought and do what's best for you and yours.

Torganer · 14/09/2023 23:52

Just to add to my post above, we have only one child, still at nursery, but we both work full time hours (around 50hrs a week each), but my hours are slightly more flexible. Nursery is easier as it’s 0800-1800, 4 days and we are able to compress hours so we take turns on the day without childcare. We don’t do any housework at the weekend though, we have a cleaner once a week, and they change beds, etc. we do laundry during the week (stick a wash on at night, peg it up in the morning inside or out depending on weather). What do you need to do at the weekend?

TheMountainsCall · 14/09/2023 23:55

Can you take some leave to try it out and see how you find it? Does it have to be all or nothing? Can you work part time?

Ponderingwindow · 14/09/2023 23:57

I daydream too. DH makes enough money that I definitely don’t need to work, by any standard of comfortable.

I’m too risk averse to stop working though. if something happens, I want to know i can take care of myself and our child, or DH, myself and our child.

Original poster
NameChangedAgain2023 · 14/09/2023 23:58

TheMountainsCall · 14/09/2023 23:55

Can you take some leave to try it out and see how you find it? Does it have to be all or nothing? Can you work part time?

I can’t really work part time in my role…with the responsibility I have and having to ‘be available’ I’d end up doing lots of extra hours anyway and think I would resent not being paid a full time salary.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedAgain2023 · 15/09/2023 00:00

Torganer · 14/09/2023 23:43

Not sure what your job is, but it reads as you don’t really enjoy it. Careers aren’t for everyone, and if one of the couple enjoys and has success in their chosen career, then as long as you pool money - why not!

If you’d be happier being at home, then have a chat with your partner. Is your partner happy working full time too? Is there any scope for you both to do a reduced week?

We both enjoy our roles but neither have the scope to go part time. DHs told also involved overseas travel which adds to the pressure….though when he’s not travelling he can WFH which helps with drop offs etc.

OP posts:
moresleepthanks · 15/09/2023 00:01

I would actively plan for a part time housekeeper.
After too long trying to get people in the house to work at cleaning etc we have a 5 hour housekeeper.
She was sorting through my dried foods and throwing out everything out of date today. As well as cleaning and sorting out the kitchen cupboards. Bliss.

Original poster
NameChangedAgain2023 · 15/09/2023 00:02

Torganer · 14/09/2023 23:52

Just to add to my post above, we have only one child, still at nursery, but we both work full time hours (around 50hrs a week each), but my hours are slightly more flexible. Nursery is easier as it’s 0800-1800, 4 days and we are able to compress hours so we take turns on the day without childcare. We don’t do any housework at the weekend though, we have a cleaner once a week, and they change beds, etc. we do laundry during the week (stick a wash on at night, peg it up in the morning inside or out depending on weather). What do you need to do at the weekend?

What do you need to do at the weekend?

ideally laundry and tidying up, but we barely get much done so there’s always a massive backlog!

OP posts:
Scienceadvisory · 15/09/2023 00:03

Wouldn't you get bored especially now the kids are school age? I would also worry it may build resentment with your husband. he would be working long hours while you have school hours to yourself and he loses out on holidays and other benefits his working provides.

Have you considered decluttering? If you had a clear out and made sure everything has a place then you should all only need to spend 5/10 mins tidying every evening.

Original poster
NameChangedAgain2023 · 15/09/2023 00:05

Fluffycloudsblusky · 14/09/2023 23:33

I’d suggest:
leas stuff - less to clean and tidy
Robot hoover/mop
Cleaner comes more often and also does laundry etc

Would love cleaner to come more often but feel we need to tidy up before they come which is stressful in itself!

OP posts:
Torganer · 15/09/2023 00:15

Do laundry when one of you works from home. We don’t have a tumble dryer, but it would be easier if we did - get one! All it would take is loading and then unloading. As for tidying up, how much mess can people make when out of the house all the time?! I used to be so untidy, now I just put stuff where it needs to go straight away. I have no chores over the weekend at all. Wish I did as it would get me out of childcare, and could relax with Netflix on the iPad whilst pottering about!!!

Lateliein · 15/09/2023 00:17

You would die a slow death of incessant, monotonous, unfulfilling carthorse work

TheMountainsCall · 15/09/2023 00:33

If you can't go part time at this job, can you move to a related area that will allow for part time?

greyfun · 15/09/2023 00:50

I'm a sahm and life is still pretty hectic and I struggle to keep on top of the house! But my youngest is 1, I hope that by the time they're at nursery life will be more organised. My school aged dc is never in wraparound care (but goes to after school activity clubs). I'm not bored, but I don't need much social interaction and I like going to toddler activities and taking my dc around London. Before we had DC2 I was at home while DC1 was in nursery and had a lovely time doing some part-time courses, cooking more from scratch, lots of gym time, so it will be nice to have school hours to myself again once youngest is in preschool.

Household income is high so we don't have to do without, plus I have unearned income and assets so it doesn't feel like a financial risk. You just have to weigh up your financial options and balance it with the other advantages and disadvantages of being a sahm.

aloris · 15/09/2023 01:11

Being at home is very boring and the tedious jobs in the marriage tend to get shifted to your to-do list if you stop working for a salary (this is fair, but boring). Also, when people find out you're no longer working (for pay), they come out of the woodwork looking for you to help them with your free labor. Neighbors start trying to get you to stay at their house for the day to let their handyman in, relatives start trying to get you to provide personal care for whoever is elderly or ailing, you start getting requests to provide free meals for people who broke their leg, and so on. It's neverending. In return for any support you provide to others you will get... zero support yourself when you need it. Because everyone else is working. It's logical but also annoying.

I would suggest instead you pay for an organiser to work through some of your clutter with you and help you cull and organise it. Maybe increase the hours of your cleaning service so it's weekly instead of biweekly, or even get someone to come in a couple times a week and tidy up or fold laundry. Whatever will take chores off your plate so you can spend your free time either on leisure or on making headway on whatever chores you aren't currently making headway on.

Dascha · 15/09/2023 01:39

I'm a SAHP due to son's needs and the impact that's had on us all. I'm still drowning TBH.

I think you should employ a housekeeper. More hours than a cleaner, and more responsibility, equals substantially more offloaded from you.

Advicerequest · 19/10/2023 07:53

I had a cleaner twice a week for four hours each time when kids were under five and it made a huge difference

Sconehenge · 19/10/2023 07:57

Get a proper house keeper instead of a cleaner. I previously had one and it was amazing, they actually organise your life and do things like take the car to get the MOT, put your washing away for you. Would get one again in a heart beat if me and DP have kids and can afford it - even just 2 days a week scenario.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 19/10/2023 14:47

get a housekeeper.

or you could ask your DH if he would be interested in working PT (seeing as you can’t).

Orangello · 19/10/2023 14:55

You say you both enjoy your jobs, so I think you would resent him, getting interesting assgnments when your day is spent cleaning up after everybody.
Housekeeper if possible.
Declutter - house really shouldn't get messy hours after the cleaner has been, and misplacing items will also no happen if everything has its place.
DH works form home? He can do the laundry, takes just a minute to put a load on between calls. Then sort it straight into separate baskets and everybody will put their own things away, DC are old enough.

redribbonrose · 19/10/2023 15:01

I can relate to this and I feel overwhelmed by tasks that need doing round the house

We have a cleaner but every cupboard, drawer is stuffed, nothing is organised, laundry piles up. It's hard to find stuff . Cobwebs, windows need cleaning. Paint needs retouching. Constant mess and tidying

But honestly, stop and think how fulfilled would you be at home all day. Cleaning? Laundry, all day?

Would you ultimately feel happier? And do you think your house would be immaculate or would you procrastinate on those horrible jobs?