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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DP to chill

11 replies

ssunflowers · 14/09/2023 20:00

AIBU
Sorry for the long post, please bear with me! I live with DP and our 1 yr old DD.

Backstory - I bought this house before I met him. Before that, I lived with my mum and siblings, previously my mums abusive ex lived with us for close to 10 years. He hated me and one of my sisters, picked fights with me any time he could and was just a vile bully in general. Before that, we lived with mums exh, bad bad split. I ended up with a restraining order and charges of battery against him.

Anyway this brings me to now, since living with DP I’ve realised how much his bad moods trigger me. Not so much his mood but the way he expresses it, stomping around the house, huffing puffing, swearing under his breath, slamming stuff around. Since life’s become more stressful being parents, it’s happening more and I’m really struggling with it. I find myself shutting down, basically hiding away from him and I have occassionally got the shakes. I obviously have some issues from my previous living situations which I need help with (not sure where to start lol) but I’ve talked to him about it quite a few times and he’s basically dismissed me and said it’s unfair for me to expect him to never huff and puff and have these moments again. AIBU? Because it’s not neccessarily directed at me and DP is a nice, gentle person, super good dad all the rest of it. But it’s just the way it makes me feel, don’t know how to deal with it. Help me, tell me if I’m being selfish!

OP posts:
AmsterdamCruising · 15/09/2023 07:01

I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling. This sounds like a trauma reaction from where you’ve had to be really sensitive to your mum’s ex’s frightening moods. Try to access some trauma therapy - it is available on the NHS.

While it’s unreasonable to expect your DP never to be in a bad mood, he might be able to be more sensitive if he understands it’s triggering your fear responses from past trauma.

Try to get some therapy and involve your DP in it if that’s appropriate.

You don’t have to suffer like this for ever x

TibetanTerrah · 15/09/2023 07:10

Surely you can meet somewhere in the middle? I used to feel similar when exDP used to create an atmosphere with his moods. Ultimately I decided that my internal reaction was something I had to work on, however he could also work on his reaction to whatever 'caused' him to have his mood swings. Both managing our own feelings iyswim.

If only one of you is trying and the other is just expecting everyone to just accept them 'feeling their feelings' to the detriment of the other person, it can't work.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/09/2023 07:38

Your husband is dismissing you in that his anger responses are making you feel scared in your own home?

What does that tell you?

It tells me he doesn't care. Most people would be horrified to create a fear response in someone else. Irrespective of whether it is normal levels of grumpiness.

See if you can see a therapist and also see if your husband can be involved to explain it to him

CherryMaDeara · 15/09/2023 07:43

Not so much his mood but the way he expresses it, stomping around the house, huffing puffing, swearing under his breath, slamming stuff around.

Ask him if he behaves this way when he’s alone. If he says yes, he’s lying.

He’s not nice and gentle, tell him that he needs to manage his emotions without showing you he’s angry in this way.

Gurthnamuckla · 15/09/2023 07:46

AmsterdamCruising · 15/09/2023 07:01

I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling. This sounds like a trauma reaction from where you’ve had to be really sensitive to your mum’s ex’s frightening moods. Try to access some trauma therapy - it is available on the NHS.

While it’s unreasonable to expect your DP never to be in a bad mood, he might be able to be more sensitive if he understands it’s triggering your fear responses from past trauma.

Try to get some therapy and involve your DP in it if that’s appropriate.

You don’t have to suffer like this for ever x

Well, this, but it sounds as though the OP has actually explained it to her DP a number of times already, which makes him sound insensitive at best.

PaminaMozart · 15/09/2023 07:51

his mood... the way he expresses it, stomping around the house, huffing puffing, swearing under his breath, slamming stuff around

Does he do this at work? With friends?

No? I thought not...

CherryMaDeara · 15/09/2023 07:54

PaminaMozart · 15/09/2023 07:51

his mood... the way he expresses it, stomping around the house, huffing puffing, swearing under his breath, slamming stuff around

Does he do this at work? With friends?

No? I thought not...

Agreed.

IncompleteSenten · 15/09/2023 07:54

Nice gentle good people don't act that way.
Do you want your children to grow up scared of their dad's moods because don't fool yourself - that's what will happen!

I bet you anything he doesn't stomp around like a pathetic mardy kid at work in front of his boss.

You need to tell him to fuck off out the house whenever he wants to strop about and come back when he's not behaving like a child.

Loopytiles · 15/09/2023 07:58

Your DP’s behaviour is aggressive and nasty. He’s unfortunately shown you that he’s not as great as you’d thought.

That would be the case even if you were not reacting strongly due to your past of living with abusive men.

wildwestpioneer · 15/09/2023 08:01

Well all have moments when we get annoyed or in a mood, you can't avoid that. But he can change the way he behaves during this time. Does he huff, puff and stomp about at work or with friends? If the answer is no then he's perfectly capable of controlling himself and 'choosing' to act this way, and upset you. He's not a nice man

junebirthdaygirl · 15/09/2023 08:19

My dad never had moods. He had a large family...kids everywhere, very little money but never a mood. No stomping etc. O it is possible to live even in stressful situations without making everyone else suffer. Can't say the same for dh but he knows it's not on. Your dh is not taking responsibility for his actions. Even if it didn't trigger you there are children in the house and as a grown man he has to have control. As said if he was a teacher in a school could he be stomping and huffing and puffing? Or a manager in an office? This kind of behaviour doesn't belong in adult life and if we do it we apologise and realise we are the ones out of order.
But the only way he will change is through consequences. He gets help/ anger management or he moves out and leaves you and the dc in peace.

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