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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that people are quick to offer their opinion but not their support ?

9 replies

Justneedsomesupport · 14/09/2023 14:31

I’m fed up of having no support network. What i seem to have instead is a judgement network.

Family mostly- all very quick to give their opinion and criticism, but never offer support or practical help.

We have a dc with SEN and zero help , yet time and time again we get situations where we are criticised eg

MIL wants a lift to the shops - I say i can’t because ds has an appt and she gets annoyed and says that it doesn’t need BOTH of us to go and dh should then be free to take her. Or she starts calling saying that BIL can’t get hold of dh and that he’s doing too much with the dc and I want to scream ‘well maybe if you bothered to come round or help he might have more free time !!’

Same with my mother. I’ll say to her something about my cleaner and she will start telling me that she never had a cleaner, why do I need one and why can’t I organise myself better or ‘get up earlier to get a wash on and out on the line and a quick Hoover and tidy up ’ but I’m f*ing exhausted as ds doesn’t sleep then she tells me how she’s going that day to help my dsis with her kids (both NT) and they are going to a cafe but nobody ever bothers to see me, I’ve invited them multiple times and they sit back and start asking for tea , coffee, where are the biscuits etc when I’d just love her to come in and say ‘have an hour I’ll play with dc’ but it’s never going to happen.

MIL will always say we don’t make an effort to go to occasions as we missed 2 weddings this year as ds just wouldn’t have coped and i get told it’s my job to stay at home with the dc so ‘at least dh can have a life’

it’s just constant criticism

OP posts:
Alleycatz · 14/09/2023 14:34

They sound like emotionally draining people. I learned to give emotionally draining people as wide a berth as possible in the last few years. Emotionally detach from them, don’t vent to them and certainly don’t feel guilt or obligation to them. Honestly it will revolutionise your life.

Justneedsomesupport · 14/09/2023 14:37

I had sort of accepted it and we have been ‘buying in ‘ what help we need but then I get judged for that ! By having a cleaner and starting ds at a SEN nursery for a few hours a week - its like I’m expected to find more hours in the day to juggle everything 😞

OP posts:
Justneedsomesupport · 14/09/2023 14:45

Seems to be a lot of ‘back in my day’ from dm And mil, a lot of ‘well I had no help as my dh worked 67 hours a day down a mine and I had to look after all the children plus next doors plus my elderly grandparents on 20 mins sleep and the house was always spotless and a 3 course meal served each night and we didn’t have these behaviour issues as we had boundaries and rules’

well maybe that’s an exaggeration but along those lines in terms of judging me

OP posts:
Catza · 14/09/2023 14:53

Own your life and stop apologising for it.
"My husband worked 67 hours a day while I cleaner and scrubbed"
"This must have been very hard. I am happy that we are in a position to hire help and not have to go through the same hardship"

"It's your job to stay at home so your husband can have a life"
"My husband had a wonderful time at home with his child. I adore having a husband who thinks parenting should be shared"

"You should organise yourself better to clean in the morning"
"I don't want to"

Let them stew in their own judgement. They will soon stop voicing it once they see you are not affected by it. And get some friends for support.

SilIssuesAgain · 14/09/2023 14:57

YANBU. People don't understand what it is like to care for an SEN child. My son is autistic and from the ages of 1 to 4 he was a full on nightmare. When my husband would go away for work for a week my mum would stay over to help and mil would ask why I need help/ why is my mum staying etc. No help from mil just criticising why we can't attend every family event and blaming us for his language delay and not being potty trained etc.

Alleycatz · 14/09/2023 15:02

Justneedsomesupport · 14/09/2023 14:45

Seems to be a lot of ‘back in my day’ from dm And mil, a lot of ‘well I had no help as my dh worked 67 hours a day down a mine and I had to look after all the children plus next doors plus my elderly grandparents on 20 mins sleep and the house was always spotless and a 3 course meal served each night and we didn’t have these behaviour issues as we had boundaries and rules’

well maybe that’s an exaggeration but along those lines in terms of judging me

Honestly now that you are an adult you don’t have to listen to these types of conversation anymore. We are conditioned to think we have to to be polite but actually we only get one life and we don’t. If one of them is warbling on you can just up and leave them to drone on to themselves while you attend to something more enjoyable or useful. I don’t say this lightly, I have had years of retraining myself around the people pleasing behaviour I grew up in. As adults we can honestly choose the conversations we want, we can be abrupt and rude to people who are being rude and judgmental towards us. It takes practice but we don’t have to put up with their bull shit.

Justneedsomesupport · 14/09/2023 15:03

SilIssuesAgain · 14/09/2023 14:57

YANBU. People don't understand what it is like to care for an SEN child. My son is autistic and from the ages of 1 to 4 he was a full on nightmare. When my husband would go away for work for a week my mum would stay over to help and mil would ask why I need help/ why is my mum staying etc. No help from mil just criticising why we can't attend every family event and blaming us for his language delay and not being potty trained etc.

MIL asked me once ‘do you think perhaps he is having too many E numbers and that’s caused the problem ?’ 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Superwooman · 14/09/2023 15:05

Don’t tel them you have a cleaner - just say you can’t help wen she asks for a lift. Disengage.

WildFeathers · 14/09/2023 16:08

look up grey rock/medium chill. Changed my life!

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