This is not ok is it?!

[WorriedWotsit]

Namechanged for this.

We live in a small rural town. Everyone knows everyone. Parents are members of staff in our local secondary school and so it's not in the least bit unusual for the parents of DC's peers to be in the weird situation of being a person of authority in school as well as George's mum that they/you've known for years.

In this situation it seems to me that any adult in a position of responsibility in their professional role (teacher/pastoral/support staff) should absolutely never bring information about other children home and pass this on to their own children?

Is this misconduct?

I've got a situation where my DS is being bullied and ostracised by his peer group because of a comment he made to a teacher who's the parent of Child A about the parent of Child B.

DS said Mr B is lying because he'd accused him of doing something that DS was later cleared of (after an FBI worthy investigation taking weeks)

Mrs A told child A this, Child A told Child B that DS called his parent a liar and this has formed the basis for a concerted campaign of bullying and peer exclusion which has been going on for months. Child A also knew details of another issue outside of school which required police intervention, grooming and CCE (child criminal exploitation) which he also shared with his group.

DS has apologised profusely to Child B on numerous occasions. But Child A who is very much the leader of the pack will not let it lie. Other children have told DS that they want to be friends with him but if they are then Child A has said "they will be hated like him"

I'm a single parent. Ex was removed by the police after an escalation of domestic abuse 5 years ago when DS was 9. I also have a younger child. Both children had extensive counselling and seemed to have survived very well. I've recovered and have made huge leaps. I was friends with Mrs A for the past 4 years. She is fully aware of the past issues and has recently started in a senior Safeguarding role at the school.

I am feeling hugely betrayed by her feeding her child with information that have been used so cruelly to turn people against DS. And I'm really bloody angry. I feel like she's been so unprofessional. Surely information shared in school is confidential and shouldn't go home to be discussed over dinner?!

I have asked her to meet with me and both boys to try and figure out what's going on but she refused based on it being a conflict of interests with her job.

I don't know who to speak to about this. I've emailed the head, but that was much more diplomatic than I have been here as I don't want to upset the apple cart even more for DS with the staff closing ranks on him... I've heard a lot that they protect their own when it comes to teachers/staff kids being horrid to others.

Can anyone advise me how to find out what the rules are so my next step is more informed and I can quote policy to them. I don't want to be baffled by their blather so need to get clued up.

Equally if this is normal and I'm just clutching at straws then talk me down.

DS is self harming (punching walls so hard he's had an x-ray), depressed, anxious, tearful but oh so brave. He goes to school every day and he's talking to his Youth Worker, other support staff at school and his HoY as well as me. But until the child who started this fire puts it out it seems DS is not going to be accepted back into the fold.

Thanks for reading - what do I do next?

How old is your DS?

I think you should make an appointment with the headteacher if you're sure of the facts.

But a lot of what you've put is hearsay - I think you need more factual evidence.

And if this is at secondary, I'd encourage your DS to join clubs etc to make new friendships.

14 - Y9

Which bits are hearsay? That I've heard the staff close ranks to protect their own? Yeah. That's based on local gossip but from enough sources that I'm wary of "no smoke without fire"

Evidence like what? Everything that's been said to DS has been verbal. These kids are wise to social media and know not to write it down.

He is in a sports team but unfortunately so is Child A and he's got into the ears of all the lads that don't even go to the same school.

I'm proud that despite this, DS is still turning up and joining in as he loves the sport and doesn't want to "let them win"

Can he go to another school/would he want to move? It shouldn't have to be him moving but it will sort out the bullying and gossip. Sounds like a den of thieves.

Could you speak to a solicitor? Sounds to me like misconduct, and if the school is protecting the teacher when they should be protecting the child, they could also be to blame. Could be a frank discussion of how badly this could reflect on the school could prompt some helpful action on their part. Good luck xx

Was it truth or lie that your child said about the parent B? You say he has apologized to child B, but has he apologized to the adult B? Not knowing what was said, that may be totally inapropriate, but could be a way of moving on?Child A could be told that the matter has been dealt with.

If things are really as desperate as you feel they are, then yes you should speak with the head teacher.

But also remind your son not to speak crap about other people's parents.

Do you know for a fact that Mrs A said all this to child A, or are you assuming this? Is there any other way that child A could have heard this?

Regardless of any communication between you and the school, has it gone too far now. Will things improve if you speak to the school. Yes, the guilty parties may be spoken to, but will that stop the behaviour and culture that has now been created.

if it’s been going on for months, maybe it’s worth considering moving your child.

incidentally, you’ve mentioned a name (George) in your op.

I think you need to forget the issue of Parent A possibly saying something to her child (could child A have overheard another adult discussion?) outside of school. There's no way for you to prove it happened.

I would be far more concerned over the bullying and over the fact Mr B accused your child of something he didn't do. I would document every instance of bullying so far and follow whatever the school's process is for reporting and managing bullying behaviour.

If possible, I would look into alternative schools, if you have other local options.

My child said "I didn't do xxx. Mr B is a liar"

What Mr B said was going on was later agreed to be the wrong interpretation of the situation as there were other children involved and apparently all of their versions of events matched my DS's and it was agreed that the children were telling the truth and Mr B was mistaken/assumed the worst case.

My child said this to Mrs A and another teacher. He perhaps shouldn't have used the word "liar" or said he was "lying" but he probably too upset to think "Mr B is mistaken" is a less inflammatory way of saying that he was wrong.

He has apologised to Mr B and is now, ironically, being supported by him. The fact that DS was wrongly accused in the first place has been forgotten and their relationship is good.

Mr B has spoken to his son and told him that he needs to be kind. However this intervention has only just happened in the past couple of days.

We were all hoping that this would blow over during the holidays and they'd start a new year fresh, but Child A is still stirring the pot and reminding all the other kids what happens if they are friends with DS.

No, it’s not OK.

Regardless of the whole ‘he said she said’ drama, your DS spoke to his teacher in confidence, as any pupil should be able to.

I also think DS was quite reasonable in what he said, given Mr B was spreading incorrect assumptions with no evidence. Arsehole and yes, a liar!

I almost feel like the 2 issues need separating. Very definitely teachers should not be discussing school/work matters with their children. I don't think they should even discuss them at home with their partner, if there is a chance children could overhear, and it's not relevant to the partner's work. If Mrs A denies it I don't know how you would prove it though.

The bullying is a real problem and you need to find a way to help your poor son through this. Is there any way to move schools because this seems like an overly connected community? I think you need to address it with the school because it's not going to right itself

Well child A is bullying your son. Regardless of the reason . Just speak to head of year etc -they should be able to do something.

if it is true that parnet A said something to their child that is a huge breach of safeguarding etc and they are now head of safeguarding.

That is a big concern and should be flagged up to the head.

But I am assuming that they will immediately deny it and then you can't prove it.
So I am not sure what you can do about that.

Regardless of that, the school should be intervening to prevent the bullying that is going on. Just because it is parent A's child doing the bullying doesn't mean that it shouldn't be stopped!

It's not ok at all and I would say to Mrs A that if she won't meet to confirm how her child heard what yours said verbatim, you'll have to make some informed assumptions and complain above the head (I don't know who to though, mine's just started primary).

Honestly though the school sounds like a lost cause and I'd be looking at others.

If your child only said this to A and one other teacher then the "proof" is that child A heard it somehow, so if it's not A repeating things at home then she will have to point to the other teacher.

The school should have a published anti bullying policy on their website,https://www.gov.uk/bullying-at-school , There's several anti bullying orgs that might be able to give you advice.https://www.kidscape.org.uk/advice/parent-advice-line/ is one. Others are listed here. https://anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/aba-our-work/our-advisory-group Sorry you and your poor DS are going through this.

a concerted campaign of bullying and peer exclusion which has been going on for months.

Collate your evidence of this and escalate to the school according to their anti bullying policy. The rest of the circumstances are essentially less relevant now- doesn't matter whether your DS was right or wrong about adult B, that's still not an appropriate response!

If you are 100% sure and have some kind of proof that child A found out from their parent then that might be worth pursuing but it's still not really addressing the bullying at this point. If that is what she did, of course it's 100% wrong, but you're facing the likely closing-ranks issue that you've mentioned, and it's the bullying and child A's behaviour that needs addressing, regardless of what led up to it.

Good luck, your poor DS 😔

Go to Governors and mention taking it to ofsted

I am not sure what people think ofsted is, but this is not the right place for this complaint at all.

You need to go through the process. Talk to head, if no result written complaint to head (which the chair of governors shoudl see if it is a good school) if no result then letter to chair of governors.

Forget he said she said - it is irrelevant.

What is relevant is Child A is bullying your son.

I would skip straight to this point when you complain. If the backstory needs addressing then I would point out that your son was correct to say that Mr B did not present the truth (either deliberately or mistakenly)

You say HoY is involved so you need to go being that now to the Head, and that your son is self harming - which means that this is a serious issue that needs resolving.

Mrs A will need to be involved as a parent not safeguarding lead - I would want to address this head on and say that.

Well you don't know if Mrs A said anything to her child or the child picked it up via school gossip.

You need to focus on your child and the fact they are being bullied, this is what you raise with the school. No who might have said what

Sorry is Mr B also a member of staff or another parent?
Mrs A has been unprofessional talking about your son to her own and quoting him if there was any school investigation in the matter.
If she was spilling tea as a parent, she needs to address the result either way; the result being her son has been shit-stirring.
Normally, you'd need to contact the class teacher if primary or the form tutor/HOY if secondary that Kid A is ostracising/bullying yours. Courtesy would have been to tell your friend you were doing that because she was unable to mediate outside of school. Although if her son is bullying yours and she's done nothing since (and quite possibly was the catalyst) I'd be dubious as to how strong your friendship is.
What was the head's response?
Going to the head is Defcon 10 tbh so I assume you're primary? Heads wouldn't be dealing with year group bullying unless you are actually putting in a formal complaint about your "friend."

Your poor Son.
Sounds a horrendous place to live.

Is there any chance at all you could think of moving.
Sounds like they've
" marked " your sons card .

You go through the school complaints policy. Follow their steps from the school website.
If not sorted to your satisfaction then you refer.
Not sure "blabbering" would come under general misconduct/ a safeguarding issue wrt his mental health (ironically by the safeguarding lead) or GDPR breach if quoting from an inquiry.
Child protection Local council
Data protection Information Commissioner’s Office

Say goodbye to the friendship, mind.
It's already been a conflict of interests.

Child protection Local council
Data protection Information Commissioner’s Office

These are the steps if the school haven't responded/investigated/dealt with your concerns to your satisfaction.

If you really want to piss them off put in a Data Subject Access Request but this causes a lot of work, will be redacted in places and won't show much if staff have been canny in their communications (verbal/off the record/initials/anonymised/first name only). If it is that point though, you'd consider a managed move, as trust has broken down.