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Original poster

Am I misunderstanding Snapchat or is it potentially quite controlling for young couples?

53 replies

AngryLegend · 14/09/2023 12:37

I have Snapchat to keep an eye on the kids.

And they have "ghost mode" on.

However I was speaking to a young adult recently who is in a relationship and they all still use Snapchat and can see each other on snap maps.

So basically young couples can see where their boyfriend or girlfriend is at all times, unless they put it on ghost mode in which may then look like a deliberate attempt at hiding where they are going.

Its just occurred to me how fucked up this is.

Or am I misunderstanding Snapchat or even the yoots today?

OP posts:
catsnhats11 · 14/09/2023 13:07

OP I get what you mean, it's not that there's a tracking option per se, but that it's the default. Once you have it on, you feel you can't turn it off - for whatever innocent reason - because it could look suspicious to someone untrusting or controlling, and going by some of the threads on MN you don't even have to to be that untrusting or controlling to be suspicious!

Comefromaway · 14/09/2023 13:07

My daughter on te other hand is the complete opposite. She doesn;t share her location with anyone, even us (the only exception being when she was room hunting in London on her own I asked she put Life 360 on before the viewing and turned it off again once it had finished and she had called us)

GCSister · 14/09/2023 13:08

AngryLegend · 14/09/2023 13:06

When I said family I meant my DH....

Did even bother to read the title of this thread? Let alone the OP?

Yes.
You are talking about couples using snap chat to track each other.

Other people use different apps.....it's all related!

ManchesterLu · 14/09/2023 13:10

It gives controlling people an easy way to control, yes. But if someone is controlling, they'll find a way to be regardless of things like that. On pretty much every single app that allows tracking/last seen etc, there's a way to turn it off - which can and should be used from the start IMO.

I hate when friends can see you've been online and therefore expect a reply to their message within seconds. I choose when I do and don't speak to people, thank you.

Original poster
AngryLegend · 14/09/2023 13:11

OP I get what you mean, it's not that there's a tracking option per se, but that it's the default. Once you have it on, you feel you can't turn it off - for whatever innocent reason - because it could look suspicious to someone untrusting or controlling, and going by some of the threads on MN you don't even have to to be that untrusting or controlling to be suspicious!

EXACTLY this.

Im not a controlling person but if I was 17 and insecure and wondered why my boyfriend was in Croydon and not at his mums that he mentioned last week, I'd be wondering why.

OP posts:
Loverofoxbowlakes · 14/09/2023 13:11

An ex of mine used to quiz me about when I was online in WhatsApp so I'm in stealth mode across all SM now.

Massive red flags if anyone is being challenged about their whereabouts in a healthy relationship.

Original poster
AngryLegend · 14/09/2023 13:12

Other people use different apps.....it's all related!

Thats like saying someone who likes being spanked during sex is the same as a man hitting his wife in anger - it's all related!

No it isn't.

It literally isn't.

OP posts:
redskytonights · 14/09/2023 13:14

Testina · 14/09/2023 12:53

@redskytonights “Although if you didn't want to be tracked you would have it switched off before getting into the relationship. So it would never become an issue.”

I think you’re very naïve.

You could start in a relationship and share location because it’s normalised for you, and helpful. And controlling abusive (let’s say men) don’t scare you off on day one. Hell, maybe he even drives out to get you to save you a walk home in the rain, because he can see where you are. What a keeper!
Then one day it’s, “so what are you doing at Sarah’s place? Who else is there? You didn’t mention you were going…?”
And you can’t just turn off sharing. Because what if he needs to find you? Why would you need to? What are you actually saying? That you NEED to hide where you are? Why?

Of course, you should break it off.

But we know for many women it’s not simple - emotionally or practically, perhaps.

If tracking didn't exist, that sort of partner would just be controlling in a different way - they would time how long it took you to get places and query if it was too "long", insist you rang them when they got somewhere, constantly give you lifts to "make sure you got there safely". Tracking neither makes this worse or better.

GCSister · 14/09/2023 13:18

AngryLegend · 14/09/2023 13:12

Other people use different apps.....it's all related!

Thats like saying someone who likes being spanked during sex is the same as a man hitting his wife in anger - it's all related!

No it isn't.

It literally isn't.

What a bloody ridiculous (not to mention fucking insulting) analogy.

Of course it's all related 🙄

Hardbackwriter · 14/09/2023 13:21

AngryLegend · 14/09/2023 13:07

Everyone answering on a totally different subject of life 360 and Mums and Dads

This!

I don't think it is a completely different topic, people just don't like to admit it. Teaching your children that it's totally normal to share your location at all times with someone you love, that it would be both wrong and unkind to not let them because they might be worried about you... Parents doing this absolutely lays the ground for unhealthy later relationships.

Hardbackwriter · 14/09/2023 13:24

redskytonights · 14/09/2023 13:14

If tracking didn't exist, that sort of partner would just be controlling in a different way - they would time how long it took you to get places and query if it was too "long", insist you rang them when they got somewhere, constantly give you lifts to "make sure you got there safely". Tracking neither makes this worse or better.

Show quote history

These people are as controlling as they can be; it's naive to think it makes no difference to give them a massively increased ability to track their partner. Plus I do think for a lot of people this is a slippery slope scenario - they don't mean to or start off tracking constantly, they do it for all the practical reasons cited, but then it's just so tempting to check when they feel insecure, so they find something that they think 'justifies' their checking, and it escalates.

Original poster
AngryLegend · 14/09/2023 13:27

If tracking didn't exist, that sort of partner would just be controlling in a different way - they would time how long it took you to get places and query if it was too "long", insist you rang them when they got somewhere, constantly give you lifts to "make sure you got there safely". Tracking neither makes this worse or better.

You are missing the point entirely.
It instigates control to someone who wouldn't usually be.
Being so used to seeing where your friends are all the time, then having a gf, being young and insecure and wondering where she is and just having a quick flip onto snap maps and wondering she's in a certain place and questioning her about it is something that never ever would have occurred in my generation.

It's puts a controlling twist into situations where there could have been none.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngryLegend · 14/09/2023 13:28

Plus I do think for a lot of people this is a slippery slope scenario

YES!

OP posts:
usernother · 14/09/2023 13:38

I agree with you OP. I think it's very odd to need to know where your OH is. I can't think of any good reason for it.

FofB · 14/09/2023 14:22

I agree with you OP. My teen has hers turned off by default but if she is going somewhere new, she switches it on and tells me. This isn't something I've instigated- she would prefer I know if it new and unknown.

However, she went to a large town with a female friend (who keeps it switched on) and she said the day was ruined because the friends boyfriend kept checking on her whereabouts and intruding on their day. For example, they decided to walk across town to somewhere which had a new shop open and he was asking why she was over the other side of the town instead of the main shopping area. They had lunch in a cafe my daughter chose (her friend hadn't been there before) and he was snapping her, asking why she was eating in that shitty place.

My daughter was very fed up because it was a long awaited catch-up and he was intruding. She did suggest turning it off but her friend just laughed it off.

Snugglemonkey · 14/09/2023 14:31

I think all tracking stuff is horrendous. I do not understand why so many people seem content to just throw their privacy away. It is so much more valuable than many seem to think.

Testina · 14/09/2023 14:32

@redskytonights “If tracking didn't exist, that sort of partner would just be controlling in a different way - they would time how long it took you to get places and query if it was too "long", insist you rang them when they got somewhere, constantly give you lifts to "make sure you got there safely". Tracking neither makes this worse or better.”

I think you’re very wrong.
Without tracking, you might be “allowed” an hour to do a food shop.
And during that time you might go to CAB for help to escape, or the GP for the contraceptive prescription you’re not allowed to take but do in secret, or just see the friend who he has banned but is your lifeline. With live tracking - easy and free - you can do none of that.

For the most extreme control, literally driving you everywhere, it will make no difference. But for many it will.

Just opening up that level of questioning - “you stopped at Sarah’s house, why?” is well beyond what was possible before. I think far more people will have their lives controlled.

Snugglemonkey · 14/09/2023 14:32

Hardbackwriter · 14/09/2023 13:21

I don't think it is a completely different topic, people just don't like to admit it. Teaching your children that it's totally normal to share your location at all times with someone you love, that it would be both wrong and unkind to not let them because they might be worried about you... Parents doing this absolutely lays the ground for unhealthy later relationships.

Show quote history

Totally agree.

DontBeAPrickDarren · 14/09/2023 14:34

YANBU. And with the issue of being able to track our children via their phones it does worry me that we are normalising that level of surveillance/intrusion. Double edged sword for sure.

Original poster
AngryLegend · 14/09/2023 14:39

@FofB that is an exact example of what I've been referring to.

Awful!

OP posts:
Ginmonkeyagain · 14/09/2023 14:48

I think the issue is even in healthy relationships it normalises anxiety and controling tendancies. I have a friend who has always been a bit anxious in relationships but I was appalled when she told me recently that she and her husband track each other constantly on their phones.

I had an utterly visceral reaction to this. Mr Monkey and I will send each other a message if we are planning on coming home later than normal and if we are coming home late at night send a message to say we are on the bus or train and our ETA, but that is it.

I will often take myself off alone and not tell anyone - not for any nefarious reasons except I enjoy time to myself. Last time I did that was bank holiday Monday. Mr Monkey was working and I took myself off to the seaside for the day - it was a last minute decision and I planned to be home by the time he would be back from work - why on earth would he need to know where I was?

Beezknees · 14/09/2023 14:59

I guess it depends what sort of relationship you have.

I was in a controlling relationship with DS's dad and I will never ever consent to having any app on my phone that could track me.

With Snapchat, you do have the option to turn off the location though so it's not an automatic thing.

GigiGrey · 14/09/2023 15:24

This is exact thing happened in a previous relationship of mine around 7 years ago. This feature was introduced to snap chat and my partner at the time (who was already controlling and paranoid) would track me constantly. In his eyes if I turned it off I was trying to hide something from him. But him having the ability to track me made his issues even worse.

I don't think it's normal for anyone to be able to track anybody else. If it's for safety reasons, e.g. walking alone in the dark, then fair enough. But to be able to check in on people, without them even knowing you're doing it, at any given time is strange. Even in a healthy relationship something like this could trigger control issues without people even realising that they're being controlling. I don't see any reason why one person would need to see where another person is at any given moment. If you do want to know, why can't you just ask?

Palmtreesinwinter · 14/09/2023 15:35

Totally agree OP and I don't have life 360 either . I want to be able to trust my teens, not track them.

wherethedevildontgo · 14/09/2023 15:57

I imagine most people just turn it off? Controlling people would always find a way, a mate of mine used to have a boyfriend who would phone her every hour on a night out. I imagine pre phones she wouldn't have been 'allowed' out at all or would have a strict curfew.