To ask about unassertive people becoming assertive ?

Original poster

WednesdayHappy · 14/09/2023 10:12

Was going to say - people are not only stunned but also somewhat disapproving

OP posts:

nottaotter · 14/09/2023 10:17

Yes I think know what you mean and I agree. I am quiet and introverted, but some people mistake that for a pushover. I have stood up for myself at work against rude customers and other staff were shocked, where as they wouldn't be with others.

I also think whenever you start doing anything different , losing weight, dressing differently , etc some people will find it a big deal and go on about it.

Original poster

WednesdayHappy · 14/09/2023 10:53

@notaotler - thanks for replying! Yes I completely agree with what you say - interesting you said they were shocked when you stood up for yourself but not with anyone else. I must admit I find it difficult saying no etc - and do have an exaggerated fear of offending people. I'm thinking of a situation where two people you know oppose each other and you feel whatever you do you'll be offending someone whatever stance you take.

People definitely make assumptions.

You're right in what you say about losing weight etc as well - people tend to think there's another reason for it - e.g. if you look better/lose weight they think you've started a relationship even though they've got no evidence !

OP posts:

yellowsmileyface · 14/09/2023 11:01

Yes, I think if you're generally unassertive, it becomes a bigger deal when you suddenly are assertive, which makes it harder to assert yourself and can become a vicious cycle.

I had a situation in the past when I was basically being a pushover. When I decided enough is enough and told this person "no", they were so shocked and acted like I was being massively unreasonable even though I most definitely wasn't, because they really didn't expect it of me.

Fortunately I have become more assertive in general so now people expect it of me. But how you are with people in the beginning definitely sets a precedent that makes it harder to stand your ground if you haven't previously.

Original poster

WednesdayHappy · 14/09/2023 11:07

*@yellowsmileyface
*
Exactly and the vicious cycle thing is awful - but important to break!

Glad you're generally speaking more assertive now

OP posts:

PeacockHat · 14/09/2023 11:14

I think it was getting older along with having my second child that made me assertive. I had less time to spend on other people's demands and began to care less what other people thought of me. The change on me certainly surprised a lot of people!

Now I'm even older, I give NO shits what people think of me and have far more of a "no, fuck that" attitude.

I can't believe how walked over I was for years.

Topseyt123 · 14/09/2023 11:21

I don't think I was ever actually a pushover, but I am introverted and was much less confident when younger. I've generally become more assertive as I have got older, and especially after my children arrived.

I'm 57 now. Still introverted and always will be but I now take no crap from others and give zero shits what anyone thinks of me.

BarnabyRocks · 14/09/2023 11:26

Instead of saying 'no', I learned the phrase on Mumsnet 'That doesn't work for me'. Saying no, can feel confrontational or start a back and forth with the other person. I have said 'That doesn't work for me' a few times and do you know what, it works. Sort of takes the fire out of the other person's comeback.

mynameiscalypso · 14/09/2023 11:26

I found I was hugely more assertive at work when I went back after my son was born. It was partly that I spent some of my maternity leave doing a Masters in a related topic so I felt that I had developed a lot of expertise but also that I gave far less of a shit what people thought and had less time to care about it. It was noticed but in a very positive way.

FirstYouGetTheMoney · 14/09/2023 11:28

WednesdayHappy · 14/09/2023 10:12

A lot of us are people pleasers - male and female - I personally don't think it's just a woman thing - I think it's a very common problem.

Have any of you found, if you were previously unassertive, when you do say no etc etc or distance yourself/keep people at arms' length - people are stunned?

I saw a documentary about this a few years back. It followed some recruits through the police academy, and one of them was a young lady who was so quiet and determined not to get noticed that she was pretty much overlooked throughout.

When she eventually found her voice, and confidently used it in an arrest it was a revelation.

Alleycatz · 14/09/2023 11:31

yellowsmileyface · 14/09/2023 11:01

Yes, I think if you're generally unassertive, it becomes a bigger deal when you suddenly are assertive, which makes it harder to assert yourself and can become a vicious cycle.

I had a situation in the past when I was basically being a pushover. When I decided enough is enough and told this person "no", they were so shocked and acted like I was being massively unreasonable even though I most definitely wasn't, because they really didn't expect it of me.

Fortunately I have become more assertive in general so now people expect it of me. But how you are with people in the beginning definitely sets a precedent that makes it harder to stand your ground if you haven't previously.

I agree with the above. I have also experienced exactly the same.

I am a reformed people pleaser. It stemmed from incredibly low self esteem and self worth arising from dynamics set down in my family as I was growing up. Addressing those issues and generating a new much stronger world view really helped me to address my people pleasing behaviour.