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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling inadequate about hospital stay

23 replies

wowmummy · 14/09/2023 07:58

Basically DS has a day case operation tomorrow. Younger twin daughters are going to grandparents as when he comes back he will need peace and quiet obviously.

So Mammar has said oh I need to see him I've bought him something. When I asked what she said it was the limited edition Mario toy. DS is Mario mad. My sister has bought him Mario pjs as well. I have packed his bag and packed his fave pjs already and bought him a surprise HP magazine with some Lego in. I feel so pathetic. A bloody magazine 🙄

It feels really competitive and I'm the shit one with a surprise magazine. Shitty shit

OP posts:
YouHoooo · 14/09/2023 08:00

It’s not a competition.

It’s nice that your family are being kind to your son.

A child going into hospital is always worrying, but don’t channel your worry into misplaced grumpiness.

Alargeoneplease89 · 14/09/2023 08:01

Honestly he will no doubt be excited to receive gifts but after an operation the thing he is going to want most is you. Hope all goes well

Newusername1273 · 14/09/2023 08:04

The best thing you'll give him is love and attention. Extended family are there to spoil kids with the stuff we can't spoil them with, let them.

Yoyoban · 14/09/2023 08:07

It's not a competition... but if it were you're the one giving him what matters most anyway - comfort and care. For the rest of your family the only thing they can do is buy him things - that's the only route they have to show him their love, they don't get to be there with him, so it's natural them put a bit more into that single route.

Sunshineandrainbow · 14/09/2023 08:09

Oh goodness this reminds me of when Dd went into hospital for a day op, 14 years ago.

I hadn't thought of anything like this. All the other kids had new Pj's and slippers.

Dd was in tracksuit bottoms and shoes. She was given a hospital gown to put on and had to put her shoes back on with it.

I felt terrible. At least you have thought of some nice things.

fourelementary · 14/09/2023 08:11

You can’t put a price on being there when he wakens up or if he goes to sleep calm and reassured because you are there…
Appreciate the fact that other people love him so much and that he will be happy and excited by his gifts. And all the best for today.

CousinGoldfinch · 14/09/2023 08:12

It's not a competition. Presumably they can afford these things and want to treat him, isn't that lovely? He will have you with him which is the most important thing and he won't be comparing gifts. Can you try and reframe it to rejoice in how lucky he is to be such a well loved boy?

GreatBigBeautifulTommorow · 14/09/2023 08:50

you and him are lucky to have people who love him and buy him a gift to cheer him up.

you will be there for the important stuff though, making sure he’s safe, being his comfort and that’s the most important thing.

I’m sure he’ll love his magazine but the most important thing is you being his constant.
don’t compare yourself as he won’t 💙

Newusernameaug · 14/09/2023 08:52

How strange!
I’d be delighted if my mum and sister were so kind to my son.
you need to readjust your thinking!

LizardLizard · 14/09/2023 08:52

DD seems to put the same level of attachment on cheap / free toys as she does to really expensive ones, in fact more sometimes. I wouldn’t worry.

AtomicBlondeRose · 14/09/2023 08:55

Oh gosh, I’m the person who would never think for a moment they needed new PJs or even a new thing to play with! Material things are lovely but they’re no substitute for cuddles with mummy.

Pinkdelight3 · 14/09/2023 09:03

It's day surgery not Christmas and definitely not a competition. It's lovely that your family have done these things for your DC but absolutely no reflection on you being inadequate or any such thing, and you need to do some work on yourself so you don't react this way. You'll be the one there as he goes under and when he comes around and all those more vital practical things so focus on that and not on some fantasised materialistic contest.

PosyPrettyToes · 14/09/2023 09:18

Are you by any chance getting hung up on this to avoid thinking about the operation? Because this really isn't something to be competitive over. He'll likely be more interested in whatever the hospital provide for entertainment anyway. The hospital I work at has all kinds of battery power ride ons the kids can race down the hallways to get to surgery, and the play team comes round each day with toys and activities, so most kids don't even notice their own stuff!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 14/09/2023 09:20

I think my nephew would prefer the magazine! Expensive doesn't always equal better.

archimedesconstant · 14/09/2023 09:23

How lovely that your son has so much love and thoughtfulness from extended family 🥰 Honestly cherish that for all it’s worth.

MyNameIsErinQuin · 14/09/2023 09:24

The thing he will want most after the operation is a cuddle with his mum, not “stuff”. My 15 year old had day surgery yesterday and coming round, all he wanted was me by his side. Stuff really isn’t important.

Bibbitybobbitty · 14/09/2023 09:27

Honestly all your DS will want is you to be there & cuddle him. My then 14yr old DS had ruptured appendix 3 yrs ago - all he wanted for first 4 days was me & his faithful old jellycat rabbit.

fedupnow2 · 14/09/2023 09:32

Newusernameaug · 14/09/2023 08:52

How strange!
I’d be delighted if my mum and sister were so kind to my son.
you need to readjust your thinking!

This. Who cares who bought what. Surely your son being happy and distracted by all the lovely gifts is most important. Don't make a competition out of something kind that your family is doing.

Clefable · 14/09/2023 09:46

Who is making it feel competitive, OP? Is it just your own insecurity? Because I would be delighted to know that my DC was cared about so much by people other than me! You've all got different things too, which is great!

PoshPineapple · 14/09/2023 09:57

Like others have said, the most welcome gift from his point of view will be a hug from you and knowing that you're there when he wakes up.

When he's feeling better, sure he'll love the gifts from others in your family, but I doubt he'll sit there thinking "Mum only got me a magazine".

Hope all goes well and that he enjoys everything from everyone when he's feeling better!

ManateeFair · 14/09/2023 10:38

So he wears his favourite pyjamas that you've already packed for him on the day of his operation, then when he comes home after his surgery he can change into his new Mario ones. He doesn't need tons of stuff packed for him for day surgery. He can read his magazine and while he's waiting for his surgery. When he comes round after the anaesthetic he'll be too woozy to do much at all for a while and all he'll want is his mum there for a cuddle (and some water because his mouth will feel like sandpaper).

I think you're probably just channelling all your worries about his surgery into this thing about gifts, to be honest. It really doesn't matter and none of this will matter to your son at all. He won't even think about who got him what gifts, honestly.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 14/09/2023 10:42

You’re his mum. You will be there and comfort him.

HollaWithDaRisinSound · 14/09/2023 10:53

I know it is not a competition, but...

I used to feel a bit like this with my parents -

They used to buy bigger and better stuff for my son at xmas than I could - (i was a single parent and often utilized charities for presents).

and the sheer wastefulness of it used to drive me mad...as my parents didnt know DS well enough to buy things that he was actually 'in to'. One year my mother accused DS of not being grateful enough - he was five years old and had said thank you - but put the toy aside to play with something he actually liked. I mean you try telling a five year old they need acting lessons before opening a present lol

My parents would spend £150 on something that my DS didnt particularly like - when in reality, he would be outgrowing his winter coat and desperately need a new one

they could have just ask him or me, what he is in to, - or SHOCK HORROR, actually spend some time with their grandson and spend that £150 on something that he is going to play with time and time again - as there was a lot that i couldnt afford for him

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