Sorry if this is a long post. My mum has always had some level of anxiety. My dad died almost 3 years ago. Despite counselling & anti depressants she is getting worse. Her mental health is terrible. Me & my sibling both have full time jobs, husbands & grandchildren.of course we love her & want the best for her but are feeling run ragged & suffocated too. She seems like she's unable to function as an adult anymore. Won't even try to carve out a new life by trying to socialise with other elderly widows. Won't cook for herself, we're lucky if she bangs a ready meal in thr microwave. Then she's getting further anxiety about dizzy spells, which have been checked out by the doctor. I've told her a million times to try eating something, then she might feel better. Then there's the level of texting, follow up phone calls to every member of the family if you don't answer straight away, to make sure something terrible hasn't happened.
We have to be her source of happiness & entertainment every weekend, so we take it in turns. As a consequence she stays at each or our houses every other weekend & bank holiday. My sister has taken her away this week for a holiday & has found the high level of anxiety about everything, her constant obsession about recycling very hard going. Sister also let's me know her arrangements every time she has something planned to make sure I'm available for "baby sitting".
Now we have a dilemma. Myself & dh have planned a weekend away in London. It was booked months ago, all paid for & put in everyone's diary. Now sisters dh has found something they'd really like to go to, which also means they have to go away for the weekend too, on the same weekend as we go to London. So now no-one is available to "baby sit". And why shouldn't they be allowed to go away the same weekend as us anyway? Our adult dc are not available due to their work/family commitments, lack of space in their houses. One is in the Raf so that rules him out. Our mum wants us to have a normal life & a good time without her intruding, the same as she did with our dad. They had a good 20 years of gallavanting about together after early retirement & she wants the same for us; but when the time comes for us both to be away on the same weekend her anxiety level will be through the roof or she will sink into a deep depression. Onset of dementia has been ruled out. We just don't know what to do anymore.
I think she feels herself that she'd be happier when it's all over for her & she's back with our dad. But she's still here, still relatively physically well. She has great grandchildren & it she can't be bothered to try & engage with then anymore either, yet she loves them & they love her. Admittedly they are all quite young still & quite noisy & energetic!
What can we do? We've tried everything to encourage her to rebuild her life, to make things as smooth as possible to help her mental state, include her a lot in our home life, but nothing is working. She doesn't want to go in a home & we don't want her to either.