Adult child sibling jealousy

[Jadavinda]

I have DD21 and DD19.

Eldest DD has always been jealous of younger sibling and is not growing out of it. I was a single mum almost their whole lives so it was hard to make time for them individually but I did try. DD1 has a far closer relationship with their dad than DD2 does (youngest DD2’s choice). So DD1 has always had attention and time with both parents.

I end up seeing DD1 significantly more than DD2 anyway, as youngest is more independent and goes out a lot doing her own thing. I am not one of those ‘friend’ mums I act like a mum (esp moral lectures 🤣). DD1 has anxiety so likes to have a lot of support. I do a lot of things with DD1 even holidays the 2 of us. DD2 is quite laid back and is a bit lazy sometimes but I pull her up on things she flakes on. This is never good enough for DD1 even though half the time it’s nothing to do with her! I do spend some time with DD2 but rarely together as they bicker. My RS with DD2 is fine and normal separately to DD1.

DD1 always has an issue with DD2 and it’s still driving me crazy. She’s always complaining about DD2 and she hates DD2’s boyfriend even though he’s a decent lad and is just constantly picking holes. DD1 is jealous that DD2 and her boyfriend have a group chat with me and she’s not included. She’s not included as she’s made it clear she doesn’t like the boyfriend. It’s just an iMessage chat with 3 of us random topics or memes we don’t use it very much.

DD2’s boyfriend is about to go to uni in a few days which is a big deal to DD2. DD1 has yet again been gossiping with other people about DD2 and the boyfriend and told me that DD2’s boyfriend has been talking to some girl on text. I told DD1 that it would be really mean to tell DD2 this bombshell of gossip right before he goes to uni and it’s just gossip and to keep her nose out of it. I don’t even want to know this gossip myself. DD1 is now all angry with me that this is “really serious” and can’t believe I am not going to do anything about it and why shouldn’t she tell DD2?

I am so pissed off with this shit tbh DOES THIS EVER END and what did I do to get stuck in this insanity loop.

AIBU to be pissed off at my own DD for being a mean girl to her own sister and AIBU for feeling pissed off at being stuck in the middle of this.

Did anyone manage to get their adult children to just learn to tolerate each other, and share you?

Honestly sounds like you need to put your foot down with her. Sounds like you've already massively over compensated with the eldest. I think you need to take a step back, stop being so available to spend time and tell her why. That you will not be appeasing her any further and that she needs to start growing up, that you will no longer allow her to talk about her sister to you in any negative light and that you are not interested in petty jealousy. I think she really needs a firm hand here. Poor DD2.

I'm not saying it's your fault @Jadavinda but the fact you and her Dad see more of DD1 may have made this situation worse. She clearly felt wronged by you having another DD and by indulging her it's as if you're compensating her for that, that just makes her feel she's right to resent her DSis.
It's been 19 years, your DC are adults, it's time she grew out of this. I think in your place I'd get them together and try and talk this out, it might be surprizing what issues come out

I have to say, I was in the same situation as DD2 so I can see this from her point of view. My sibling is two years older than me

This is how I feel - even as an adult:- and it could be how your youngest feels in future:-

I never managed to break in to the bubble that my mum and sibling had - I was always an outsider.

They had their special 'grown up' club, chats, days out - and I was sent away from this and made to feel not good enough. This had a huge affect on my self confidence and anxiety levels and still does to this day. I never felt good enough

My older sibling was constantly causing trouble and drama - and the family home revolved around this. She literally ran the roost and there was drama most days, screaming shouting

My self sufficience meant that I got given lots of household chores, older sibling did not.

I was physically attacked on a daily basis by sibling and even at school there was no respite, if i happened across her in the playground she would kick the shit out of me - just to prove she could - and spread malicious rumors. She was the school bully, like nelson in the simpsons. Parents never did anything cos 'you know what she is like lol'

Older sibling was put in on a pedestal and allowed to get away with literally whatever she liked and shaped her view of herself then, and as an adult, she walks round with a massive entitlement complex and treats other people like they are her minions - This is what our parents created. She genuinely does believe she is special

In terms of the boyfriend thing - my sibling used to ALWAYS hate my boyfs. as teens they even told one once that I had cheated on him (I hadn't) - which caused the relationship to break up

I think you need to really call out DD1 and tell her she comes across as jealous and it is not a good look! Tell her you will not tolerate this absolute sh1t behaviour cos believe me, some people just carry it in to adulthood, this feeling of superiority and your DD1 hast that

No wonder your DD2 spends most of the time out of the house

My brother and I were both quite jealous of each other and I started at one point saying mean things to my parents about him like 'he played computer games all day yesterday when you were out' 'his rooms is so dirty it smells' 'he threw some cheese at me' 'isn't he so stupid, how can he get such terrible grades at school'. My mum simply said that yes she understands it's not great to have a messy room and she's proud I'm getting such good grades at school but hearing mean things about her son, like him smelling or being stupid isn't nice for any mum. And me saying them will naturally push us away and create distance. So if I want to be close to her, stop saying it. Sounds like it'll work on your daughter because her aim is to be the favourite sister

My sister is mid-fifties and is STILL jealous of me. We have no relationship, and my mother's pandering and continual affirmation that she is special has all but ruined my.relationship with her.

@HollaWithDaRisinSound

I appreciate your view point, I am not sure it’s the same. DD1 was not well behaved as a child and always getting told off. She didn’t get away with things and still doesn’t! DD2 was not badly behaved rarely at all so DD1 was always jealous she didn’t get told off. DD2 was good at school and is not confrontational so we rarely clash. DD2 and I are close, when she stopped going to her dads we spent a lot of alone time together - DD1 was jealous of this too.

DD2 just doesn’t like being around DD1 that much as she’s bitchy and also they are adults now it’s natural they will have friends and boyfriends and outside interests. I would be expecting DD1 to also be flying the nest a little but she isn’t, and still wants to be around me a lot whereas DD2 sees me as a cringy mum 🙈

It’s hard for us to see DD1 as the eldest when she behaves like the youngest one a lot of the time, it’s immaturity. This doesn’t mean I make allowances for it, I don’t tolerate it it’s just driving me crazy she isn’t growing out of it.

DD1 wants to break my RS with DD2 and have me all to herself but it’s not going to happen. It’s frustrating when they argue over me, usually things I have said and they will play me off against each other.

To clarify it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, and how fair I try to be, DD1 is always jealous of DD2. DD1 thinks I have a special preference for DD2 and like her more. This is probably because I feel like I am always defending her against DD1’s jealousy so it’s a vicious cycle.

DD2 doesn’t think I like DD1 the best or give her any special preferences, but I think DD2 can take advantage of the situation at times and score smug points on DD1 at times which winds her up. They do however skip off together from time to time on a shopping trip as if nothing ever happened, like a cease fire is called, and I am left completely baffled 😆

it’s a minefield