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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you never met one of your parents…

14 replies

blanketrage · 13/09/2023 21:48

Did it affect you?

I am looking for advice really as to how best to protect ds, now nearly 4, from this situation. His Dad wanted him until I was four months pregnant, at which point he totally checked out, we broke up, I’ve never seen him since. He’s paid maintenance via cms and used to ask for photos of him but despite me being very open he’s never bothered to meet him. It’s not what I wanted for my child and I often feel guilty carrying on with the pregnancy when technically I had time to change my mind after he left me. I adore ds but I worry so much what impact this will have. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know a parent t because the parent has no interest. I don’t even know why he’s not seen him as he would never tell me. I gave up asking a few years ago.

OP posts:

SensibleWearForGeographyFieldTrip · 13/09/2023 21:53

Many of us grow up with shitty or abusive parents. Having two parents isn't always necessary the best thing.
He obviously has a lot of love in his life. What are you worried about?

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 13/09/2023 21:57

At 21 my dd saw her df after 20 years. She said she never missed out. She met him out of curiosity but there was no bond on either side and she dumped him after a year or 2. Stuck it as he had another dd 10 years younger but nothing between them either dd said!

ScarletWitchM · 13/09/2023 21:57

I grew up never knowing my father. My mum was amazing - even through my shitty teen years! But I’ve never wanted to know or find my dad and have done extremely well without him in my life!

Original poster

blanketrage · 13/09/2023 22:00

SensibleWearForGeographyFieldTrip · 13/09/2023 21:53

Many of us grow up with shitty or abusive parents. Having two parents isn't always necessary the best thing.
He obviously has a lot of love in his life. What are you worried about?

@SensibleWearForGeographyFieldTrip i think I worry because I can’t imagine it, will he feel abandoned etc? I’ve read boys can be angry and upset in teenage years especially over an absent parent.

OP posts:

RosesAreReady · 13/09/2023 22:04

I grew up without my father and yes I do feel like it’s affected me

NegativNancy · 13/09/2023 22:05

My fiance has never met his real dad. His mum had him when she was 16 and he was raised largely by his grandma. His mum met a lovely guy when he was 4, who she's still married to, and my fiance has (and always will) consider him as his dad.
He refers to the guy who ghosted his pregnant mum as the sperm donor and has no interest in finding anything out about him. I know it might not be so easy for some people - DF is particularly pragmatic, level headed and unemotional about these things.

Jobsharenightmare · 13/09/2023 22:10

I used to feel Like it didn't impact on me until I had kids. Then i realised how much it had. I think that's the case about a lot of things. Bad feelings of not being wanted get quashed then come out in some way later.

BlackGoldSun · 13/09/2023 22:24

I have similar worries about DNephew whose father left my sister after the baby was born. Literally after a couple of weeks (but hung around long enough to go with her to register the birth with his bloody surname).
DN has started to notice now he's in Reception, similar age to your son @blanketrage and asks why my DC have a dad and he doesn't. He does know other children from different family setups but spends a lot of time with us and has been calling my DH 'daddy'.

I don't know the answers, DN's father and sounds like your ex OP are cut from the same cloth. All we can do is hope that the children grow up as secure in themselves as can be but it's very difficult indeed.

@RosesAreReady @Jobsharenightmare 💐

localnotail · 13/09/2023 22:25

never met my biological father and don't even consider him a dad at all. Never had a desire to meet him or his other kids, couldn't care less about him. My dad is the man who brought me up, and I love him.

Blessedbethefruitz · 13/09/2023 22:26

My bio father got my mum pregnant at 14 (he was more than a decade older). Once pregnant, he chucked her and said he wasn't ready. This is the info she gave me at a very young age. I have his name, age, and that he has the same colouring as me (the rest of my family are more blond/red/blue eyes).

She also married a man when I was young who was physically abusive (not smacks - extensive bruises, sustained violence and belittling, social services etc until i was 16 and mainly stayed with friends) to me - although not to my younger half brother, which I'm glad of.

It did affect me. The initial rejection I think was better than the sustained abuse though. I've no interest in looking up this biological father for obvious reasons, and have very little relationship with my mum, who didn't protect me.

It's possible I'm overprotective of my own v young children in response, but they will know they are very loved, wanted, respected and valued, by us both.

Original poster

blanketrage · 13/09/2023 22:28

I don’t have a new partner and not sure I ever will have after my experience with DS’s dad so he won’t have a replacement father figure if you see what I mean. I worry there’s nothing I can do to stop
him feeling unwanted. I really don’t know the answers as to why his dad hasn’t been involved, he’s never explained himself to me. He did go through a phase of wishing me happy birthday and happy Mother’s Day etc which was odd as he seemed to want to be in touch, but he never pinned down a time and date to see ds. I wish there was at least a reason I could give him
but I can’t even do that for him as I don’t know.

OP posts:

localnotail · 13/09/2023 23:25

@blanketrage I agree, my situation was different as I never met my bio father. And I never thought of my adoptive dad as anything other than "dad" so I always had a father figure.

I think you need to protect your child but be honest, just say it in a way he will understand. Don't lie and but also don't badmouth your ex, try to be impartial. And when he is older explain it all properly - but be aware that his "father" may reappear later on. If it happens, don't object but at the same time try to protect your kid from brain fucks and emotional turmoil.

And remember - he will be fine. He has you, and you love him - that what's important.

Fidgety31 · 13/09/2023 23:30

I grew up without my dad. Never had a step dad either . I’ve never known any different so nothing to compare it to.
I do think it affected how I view relationships as an adult though - in that men are not particularly useful for anything . Nice to have around but I can manage quite well without one too.

Unusua · 13/09/2023 23:36

I grew up knowing my dad wasn't bothered..like other have said I didn't think it bothered me much while growing up, but since having my own kids it breaks my heart knowing I wasn't enough for him to want to know or love me.
I found him online when I was 18 and tried form some sort of bond as I really badly needed a father figure..I'm 32 now and after years of him disappearing for years at a time, I gave up and just accepted he's not bothered.

It's hard cause as a mother I know you want to protect your kid from all pains, I really feel for you and your boy. Some men just shouldn't and don't deserve to be dads

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