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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand this logic?

11 replies

hivisalways · 13/09/2023 17:31

Name changed, doubt I will be identified but just in case

We’ve heard on the grapevine that a close member of DHs family ‘Jane’ is refusing to come to a pretty major family event because another relative ‘Steve’ (who DH barely has contact with) has not been invited.

They have said, maybe if Steve was invited I would’ve made a bigger effort to come down for it, but since you haven’t I won’t - it’s so wrong of you not to invite Steve.

Jane and Steve aren’t married or in each others immediate family, but they are close relatives. We have literally only invited eight people and Jane has decided to be extremely offended on the behalf of Steve, so much so that she’s not coming. Neither Jane nor Steve has particularly expressed any interest in our lives anyway but it would be nice to see Jane and her family there as its pretty momentous, and we expected more of them to be honest. After the effort we have put in towards them its a real shame they are finding such an easy excuse not to come

You might think it’s not such a loss but I can’t understand this way of thinking - why would you refuse an invite just because another of your relatives isn’t going? The funny thing is that Steve in this equation doesn’t seem overly bothered and probably wouldn’t have wanted to go!

AIBU thinking this is odd? Is it just an excuse? Just say no!

OP posts:
MissMillion · 13/09/2023 17:56

Hard for us to comment when we can't figure which relatives they are..... if Jane and Steve are brother and sister to DH, then I get the logic.

Sirzy · 13/09/2023 17:58

Are they both the same “level” of relative?

at the end of the day though she can say thanks but no thanks for whatever reason she wants

Original poster
hivisalways · 13/09/2023 18:00

MissMillion · 13/09/2023 17:56

Hard for us to comment when we can't figure which relatives they are..... if Jane and Steve are brother and sister to DH, then I get the logic.

They’re like, aunt and brother. I have changed the gender of one of them

OP posts:
Original poster
hivisalways · 13/09/2023 18:01

He’s not invited the ‘brother’ Steve because he’s not a nice person at all, they aren’t on bad terms but mutually just don’t get on and have little to do with one another

OP posts:
72EasyLessons · 13/09/2023 18:08

The ‘logic’ isn’t possible to pronounce on as too many variables — judging by Mn, the ‘pretty major family event’ (though it only involves eight guests) could be anything from a sibling’s wedding to a second cousin’s ‘gender reveal’.

72EasyLessons · 13/09/2023 18:09

hivisalways · 13/09/2023 18:01

He’s not invited the ‘brother’ Steve because he’s not a nice person at all, they aren’t on bad terms but mutually just don’t get on and have little to do with one another

So ‘Steve’ is your DH’s sister and ‘Jane’ is your DH’s aunt or uncle?

oioicheeky · 13/09/2023 18:14

It's impossible to say with so many details hidden / changed.

MissMillion · 13/09/2023 18:20

So the aunt isn't going because her daughter hasn't been invited....yes I fully get that logic. She's protecting her daughters feelings.

zusje · 13/09/2023 21:39

What's the relationship between "aunt" and "brother"? For example my sister is very close to a specific aunt (my mother's sister). I can 100% see how if we were going to hold a function and invite the aunt and not my sister that she might well be offended and not want to come. I imagine culture may also play an important role, in some cultures relatives and the "blood is thicker than water" mentality is much stronger than in others (think meditterranean, indian etc) and again I can see how people would take offense if what they deemed "core" family members were excluded from certain functions. Ultimately it's your choice to invite whomever you want at your function but also it's every invitee's choice whether they want to accept the invitation (for whatever reason).

Original poster
hivisalways · 13/09/2023 21:43

zusje · 13/09/2023 21:39

What's the relationship between "aunt" and "brother"? For example my sister is very close to a specific aunt (my mother's sister). I can 100% see how if we were going to hold a function and invite the aunt and not my sister that she might well be offended and not want to come. I imagine culture may also play an important role, in some cultures relatives and the "blood is thicker than water" mentality is much stronger than in others (think meditterranean, indian etc) and again I can see how people would take offense if what they deemed "core" family members were excluded from certain functions. Ultimately it's your choice to invite whomever you want at your function but also it's every invitee's choice whether they want to accept the invitation (for whatever reason).

They’re not that close these days. One moved overseas so haven’t seen one another for maybe 3 years, could even be longer. Speak fairly infrequently as far as I can tell. To Jane though Steve can do no wrong, when to other people it’s very obvious why DH nor Steve would really have much to do with one another

OP posts:
zusje · 13/09/2023 22:09

hivisalways · 13/09/2023 21:43

They’re not that close these days. One moved overseas so haven’t seen one another for maybe 3 years, could even be longer. Speak fairly infrequently as far as I can tell. To Jane though Steve can do no wrong, when to other people it’s very obvious why DH nor Steve would really have much to do with one another

Show quote history

Is "Jane" the one that has moved overseas? If that's the case again I can see how she might be remembering and seeing things through rose tinted glasses and was looking at the whole function as "yay, family reunion" type of thing. And then when she found out it's not going to be all holding hands and kumbaya she decided she doesn't want to come (because ultimately it's easier to ignore an uncomfortable situation if you aren't confronted with it). Or she might not want to come and this is an easy excuse to avoid the travel costs and hassle of coming over from abroad? In any case I'd stick to your guns, if me and my partner ever get married (currently not in the budget planning for many years to come, haha) I'm inviting very few and select people and family members and if people are offended so be it, it's not about them! Enjoy your family event and don't let family politics ruin it for you :)

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