Worried about ex's treatment of ds

[thunderboltcity66]

My ex is a wanker and I'm not sure how we ever managed to sustain a relationship (albeit a very toxic one) given that we have such different views on basically everything.

Ex can be very sexist, aggressive, controlling, he was a big covid denier which caused issues with contact during lockdown. He has a very short fuse with our ds 12 and his younger kids with his new wife. Hes just generally quite unpleasant and too pig headed to ever consider that any opinion or belief that differs from his own could have any value.

This is causing issues with my ds who thankfully is nothing like him. Ds is approaching his teenage years and has opinions of his own. If his dad doesn't agree he will simply shoot him down. Ds also is quite sensitive whereas ex is a big burly man's man. There often comments about him needing to toughen up and get a grip. I think ds is frightened of him and always keen to please him. He's usually on his best behaviour there and saves all the attitude and bad behaviour for me and my dh (which is annoying but also reassuring that he feels he can be his natural self with us).

Ds started senior school and has missed the bus home twice due to not knowing his way around. I picked him up. When his dad found out he really laid into him about being useless and taking responsibility. Then turns on me for being too soft and how I should have made him walk home (it's 5 miles away through fields and busy roads!) This is the sort of thing I've had to deal with since we split up when ds was a toddler.

For my own mental health I feel like I need to limit contact with him as I feel like even though we've been split up for 10 years, both remarried and both have new kids he's still able to trigger an anxiety response in me. He makes me feel bullied and intimidated even through messages.

But what about my ds? I hate to think he is experiencing the same. Despite his behaviour ds actually does love his dad and enjoys time with him (when he's being normal). But I can see them coming to blows in the next few years as ds grows and I can't bear to think of him feeling the anxiety and intimidation that Ive felt and still feel now. I know there may well come a time where ds chooses not to go there or becomes too busy with his own life (obviously this will be unacceptable and will all be my fault or ds fault, nothing to do with ex and his shit behaviour). But until that point, how do I make sure my son knows that his feelings and opinions are valid and that it's ok to make mistakes now and then, despite what his dad says.

Bump

Hopefully bumping again, feeling very stressed today.

I have experienced this and worried for my DS like you. I really understand your concern. Your timelines are also very similar to when we were going through the peak of this too so it all feels very familiar. What worked for us was that I always kept in mind that I could not control the ex’s behaviour and while my DS wanted to have a relationship with his father I still needed to facilitate that as long as he was happy to do so. I was always ready to listen to my DS when inevitably he was upset by his father. I would reassure my DS that he was not in the wrong without slagging his DS off (as I wanted to) but ensured my DS knew that he was my priority and if at any point he didn’t want to see his dad that was his decision and I’d support it. Clearly your DS has you and your loving home to always fall back on and that’s worth so much. i learnt to remind myself what I chose to do to look after my DS despite what ex said or did about it was MY decision and mine alone. Don’t let him undermine you which is what he is doing because that’s the only power he now has. You sound like a great mum. My DS says now as an adult DF is a twat but what does it matter cause I’ve got you and you’ve always got my back. So just do that and I’m sure like us you will all be fine. Your DS will make his own mind up eventually as my DS has.

@Myfirstcarwasamini thank you so much for replying. You sound like a great, supportive mum and it's good to know I'm not alone in this situation.

I fully believe in time my ds will see his dad for what he is - a controlling, bad tempered bully. But I worry about the damage he might do to his self esteem in the meantime. He's becoming increasingly awkward with certain things, for example if ds has a friend that ex doesn't like he won't give him a lift to meet him so ds misses out. This obviously happens during his contact time so there's not a lot I can do about it.

Similarly he makes me so anxious. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. Dh is supportive but doesn't understand why I still get so triggered by him.

Your ex sounds like an arse. It's important to maximise the good male influences in your ds's life. Does your new partner father him well? I think as well you need to cultivate a 'What happens in thos home stays in this home and is nothing to do with ex.' Your ds doesn't need to lie, but he also needs to know that he doesn't have to tell his father everything. And make it clear to him that his father's way of looking at things isn't everyone's way of looking at things. It's tricky, becasue no matter how much your ds may be frightened of his father's anger, he may admire him as well. When I was in a similar situation, I used the, 'Well, that works for your dad, but it may not be the best way for you etc.'

Yes my dh is a good stepdad and hands on dad to our own dc. He's also a positive role model. So that's one thing.

Its hard because ex will go through periods of calm where things are ok and then he'll get a bee in his bonnet over something and acts like a total arse. If he has a point to make then everyone has to suffer until he's made it.

I tend to engage with this shit to a point then disengage as it's like talking to a brick wall and to be honest I only engage in the first place to try and keep things calm for ds.

I fully support the 'in this house it's our rules' motto but I just worry about the rules and the influences he's experiencing at dads. Fundamentally I think he has a strong enough base with us to not be swayed too much by ex's awful views and behaviour but I worry about his self esteem and confidence when he's constantly being questioned and sometimes ridiculed by the bully.

Thank you OP - I really feel for you having been there myself being made to feel like I was the parent doing it wrong but you’re so not ! but it does get easier. Time moves on and your DS will soon be of an age where he may (hopefully) decide that if his father is acting like an arse he will limit his time and attention to him because he will see that.

it’s great that he has a positive role model in your DH. That worked well for us too and will help him a lot.
As @Technonan said the response “that might work well for your dad but that may not work well for you” is a good reassurance for him to build his own confidence and/or boundary with his father.
Remember you broke free from ex - you had the strength to do that. imagine a great big boundary wall around yourself - don’t let him make you doubt yourself. I decided that I would choose not to be triggered by my ex. I wouldn’t let him spoil another minute of my life listening to his stupid twaddle because that’s all it was/is.
I didn’t try it myself but I know there is something called The Freedom Programme (I think) which helps to work through things when you’ve escaped a controlling relationship. May be helpful? If you’re strong your DS will gain so much from that.