Can’t stand my parents’ company but jealous that they spend so much time with sibling and family?

[Guiltridden12345]

I feel dreadfully conflicted. I’ve posted on here before about my unpleasant dad and a blow up about a year ago when an incident occurred between my parents - not violent but desperately cruel and which put my mum in potential danger - which I went mad about. Initially refused to see my dad. Awful fall out. Mum sided with dad. It makes me ache. I haven’t forgiven him but not spoken about it directly as he’s an emotional cripple and they live 100 miles away.

I now can’t stand the company of either of them. I hate him for being so cruel and I have no respect for her for accepting it. I am furious with her for accepting his behaviour and siding with him against my reasonable anger at him. When i see them I almost continually burst with anger and rage. It’s awful. I’m so sad about it but can’t see any way out other than going through the motions once or twice a year til they die. Im terrified I’ll feel guilty once mum is gone but I’m so furious with her for accepting abuse and explaining it away. Her job was once protecting others from abuse; it’s bemusing.

They spend an awful lot of time with my sister and her kids. They are hundreds of miles away but go up regularly, watch her kids in school events, go on holidays, visit for birthdays. They always did but it’s much more often now. sister
knows all about what happened, and what he’s like, but always had a stronger relationship with him whereas I always hated him and saw him for what he was: a bully. She just wants to play happy families and seems to have no ongoing issue about what he did a year ago, which was simply a more extreme version of what he is always like. So whilst i can’t bear them being anywhere near me, I am also finding myself wildly jealous that they spend all this time with my sister and her kids.

I know iabu. I am just ranting really. Help!

YABU. You can't hate being around your parents and at the same time resent your sister for being around your parents. You can't force your mum and your sister to see your dad in the same way you see him. You can't grandly diagnose your dad as an emotional cripple as everyone feels and expresses emotions differently.

In short I think you need to do some work on yourself and focus on your own emotions ('anger and rage') when it comes to your parents, so that you can find some peace. Getting frustrated about other people's actions, over which you have no control, is pointless.

Agree

I think referring to my dad as an emotional cripple is factual. I suspect my mum and sister would agree.

I don’t know how you go about putting aside a lifetime of having a twat of a father, and two other family members who enable his behaviour. I can’t be associated with that and don’t want my children to think that his behaviour is acceptable or normal.

'You can't hate being around your parents and at the same time resent your sister for being around your parents'

You certainly can - feelings are messy buggers and conflicting or opposing feelings are not uncommon.

OP, I really feel for you. You're dealing with a lot of emotions that sound extremely upsetting and exhausting. I can relate. I do agree with the other two posters that you can't control other people's behaviour. I would really recommend seeing a psychotherapist, so that you can make space for the part of you that desperately wants your parents' love and attention, and feels understandably envious that your sister seems to get what you don't.

I saw a psychodynamic psychotherapist for a long time and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I understand myself, my family and the dynamics between us so much better. Therapy helped me to do a whole lot of processing and grieving. It was incredibly painful at times but I don't feel stuck anymore.

Google BACP if you are interested

Thank you for such a kind post. I will look at this tonight and make some plans. You’re right, a year on I’m actually more angry, not less, so I do need to sort this out.

I don’t know how you go about putting aside a lifetime of having a twat of a father, and two other family members who enable his behaviour. I can’t be associated with that and don’t want my children to think that his behaviour is acceptable or normal.

Therapy, basically. You need therapy because the only emotions and responses you have any control over are your own. And your own emotions are clearly all over the place because you seem torn between jealousy of your sister and frustration that you can't force her to see your dad as you do.

A common cliche in many therapeutic settings is that 'you can't feel other people's feelings for them'. And also, "Other people's feelings are none of your business". I know these are heard lessons to learn but they can be learned and then you'll be much happier and less conflicted.

Your posts strongly suggest to me that you struggle with co-dependency which is when we take on other people's feelings as our own and become very involved in and seeking to control other people's feelings. In addition to BACP you might try going to CODA meetings. CODA is a 12 Step support group for co-dependents. I know several people who have found it very helpful. Good luck!

Maybe you need to take a step back. You can't change them and how they behave, you can only change how you respond to it. I think your best bet is putting emotional distance between them and you and work on yourself. Feeling the amount of rage and resentment that you do is harming yourself (while they remain oblivious).

It sounds a terrible situation and I don't blame you for feeling frustrated and upset, but for your own sake you need to find some other focus that brings you more serenity and peacefulness. Forget what your sister's doing, go low contact so you only get in touch if you have to... adopt a grey rock/water off a duck's back approach towards your parents, centre yourself on your own life and forget about theirs. I know it's easy to say and harder in practice, there will be techniques and strategies that will help, maybe a spell of therapy?

I do sympathise, it's really rubbish when your parents are dysfunctional. But that's not who you are, you are not associated with them, you can live your best life without allowing thoughts of what they're doing to drag you down. You deserve better than that.

I feel sorry for you. Your dad sounds like a nightmare and, absolutely, an emotional cripple. His behaviour is toxic and you have correctly identified it as such. You can’t help your sister, she is either unwilling or unable to see who your father and mother really are, that’s why she continues to play happy families. Some therapy would really help you navigate this difficult time.

YABU. You can't hate being around your parents and at the same time resent your sister for being around your parents

OF course she can!

You said about your sister

"She just wants to play happy families and seems to have no ongoing issue about what he did a year ago, which was simply a more extreme version of what he is always like"

I think this is unfair. You sister may be doing it because she really wants a good relationship with your Mum so she just placates your Dad.
It's exactly what my husbands family did with his nasty lowlife Dad. Everyone was nice to him through gritted teeth so that they could have a relationship with their Mother and make her life easier

Thanks for all these comments. Interested in the co dependency thing. I invest an awful lot in ‘righting wrongs’ for others. My job is this, I do this for people in our community voluntarily, wider friends, I’m involved in local politics and social justice ventures. It’s like I’m trying to make the world right whilst mine is a total mess over which I have zero control.

I definitely like to influence/try to change other peoples feelings/opinions when I think they’re wrong - I guess this is a desire to control? Had not analysed this previously or appreciated any connection.

'Your posts strongly suggest to me that you struggle with co-dependency which is when we take on other people's feelings as our own and become very involved in and seeking to control other people's feelings'

That's a really clear and understandable explanation of co-dependency. Thank you for sharing

“The food here is absolutely awful, it’s inedible!”

”And such small portions too.”

So codependency is when you take those traits to an extreme. Things to look for are:

• being overinvested / concerned about what other people are thinking and feeling
• Feeling stressed or nervous about what other people are thinking and feeling
• Attempting to change other people's emotions
• Taking other people's emotions and opinions very seriously
• People pleasing
• Walking on egg shells / working too hard to 'make everyone happy' and 'keep the peace'

Co-dependency is often seen in people who grew up with abusive parents or parents with addictions (I did and it sounds like you did too, at least the abuse bit). From an early age these children learn to be very sensitive to their parents' moods and they try to influence / improve their parents' moods to make things easier for the whole family. This behaviour can be carried into adulthood and causes a great deal of genuine distress.

Codependency is a challenging condition to recover from because often, adults with codependency don't even realise they have it. They are often shocked to learn that it is NOT NORMAL to be unhealthily or obsessively concerned with the emotions and feelings of others. That is why my first two posts were quite matter of fact and maybe a bit blunt because I sort of wanted to see how you would respond to the concepts I expressed.

If you think codependency is an issue you can:

• Read Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty - this is the psychological gold standard on codependency and will help you understand if it's something you want to address
• Try CODA meetings
• Find a therapists on BACP who specialises in codependency. Such therapists often speacialise in addictions too as there is a lot of crossover in psychologcal characteristics.

I understand. Completely get it and feel similar but to be honest after about 10 minutes with my parent the feeling soon goes and I can’t wait to get away. It’s strange really, I’ve come to accept I like the thought of being with my parent, like looking through rose tinted glasses, but the reality is far from it, so I stick with that, I like the thought of spending time with my mum, not actually spending time with her, I’f that makes sense.

This is me exactly. It’s a head fuck isn’t it?

This is interesting. So I tick all the boxes except the last one - I am quite the opposite there. I say what I think quite bluntly a lot of the time. It’s probably quite difficult to be around. I can and do soften my views sometimes - with acquaintance groups rather than closer friends -but I’m well known for saying exactly what I think and having a debate. I’m not rude though. And I am more than happy to receive blunt interactions too - in fact I welcome it as I totally know where I stand.

so all boxes bar one very much ticked. We did have to creep round my dad on eggshells as a child, and whilst my mum and sister used to pacify and be upset by his treatment, I grew a very thick skin, distanced myself (from a baby - wouldn’t be held by him) and became an emotionally detached child (from him at least, i was a limpet to my mum). my dad and I didn’t actually speak for most of my teen years. I detested him and he just didn’t know how to handle it. Hence, ironically, most of my upset was at how my sister and mum were treated by him because he completely ignored me. I think my ignoring him and childhood distance from him made him resent me but also made him very wary. He still is. I call out his behaviour to his face and knows it and it rattles him. Typical bully really.

One way of looking at it…. Your sister is exposing her children to an unpleasant abusive man and a spineless woman

i wouldn’t want them within a 5 mile radius of my children