Emergrated mil in UK for 8 months. Seen us for 7 of these days

[DyslexicPoster]

Mil sent me and dh the date she is leaving the UK

Sort of 'I return on X day'

I was thinking 'and?' Where is the rest of your sentence? So I asked. Do you want to see us? She is too busy unless we drive to her. We said fine but only free at weekend ( job, school kids)

Now she is mentioning her 3 massive cases and the flight to the airport. I think she just wants a lift to the airport. That's 85 miles just to pick her up on a work and a school day when she hasn't had time to see us over the summer when the kids was off. I dreamed I shouted at her last night.

I have told dh this is his problem.

However they both continue to disregard my boundaries.

Don't let them get through. Learn the grey rock technique.

Keep telling MIL to talk to DH, don't pass on any messages. If she ends up abandoned in the middle of a field with 3 suitcaes it isn't your problem. Shrug and change the subject. If DH asks you to take time off to give lift say no, sorry, and don't explain why. Ignore, ignore, ignore...unless it's something you actually want to do. But don't do something because you think the children should bond with a grandparent. Don't get them involved with the emotional dysfunctional dynamics, protect them.

They are both adults, so let them get on and do their own communicating and adulting. Apples never fall far from their tree, particularly a bad apple. Don't you get involved. Not your elephants not your circus.

Just stop replying to MIL then. If she phones, answer it and pass it to DH.

I see my MIL twice a year!

I went no contact with mil for a year. I asked if she wanted to resume contact on the understanding she never used my as the middle man. Old habits die hard I guess.

I keep repeating ask dh, ask dh, ask dh.

I keep telling dh sort it etc but they aren't getting it

I feel mil gives us the dregs of her time. So picking her up, dropping her off. Leaving her summer free to see friends when they are off work and kids off school.

We ask repeatedly if she wants to stay but our house isn't near a train station so she says no. She needs a base to travel out from more than she needs to see her GC.

I'm especially done with it as my mum recently died and it's brought home the reality that mil can put us off over more fun people, until she can't.

I don’t get it, and wonder if you like a bit of drama. She’s in another country, just put your phone down, don’t text back, don’t answer, don’t get dh involved. Just leave them to it.

We ask repeatedly if she wants to stay but our house isn't near a train station so she says no. She needs a base to travel out from more than she needs to see her GC.

why? She said no - why keep on asking her, what’s the point? You are just winding yourself up.

“He has no redeeming features”

I think you went no contact with the wrong member of the family 😳

Just ignore her hints. Don't even remind her to ask DH.

I mean when it comes to his mum 😆

As far as I can tell he never initiates any contact with her. All that stopped when she left the country when our eldest was baby's and they was her only GC. I think it would kill most relationships tbh so I don't blame him. But however I'd prefer he protects me from his issues with his mum. I feel like a human shield. I tell him, he nods, nothing changes. Mil might have old-fashioned views that I should do everything while having no opinions. However, she'd expect better for her granddaughters, I'm sure.

When we found out that my mother plays a game of not asking, but getting people to offer to do what she wants, then it became a game to us. Of not offering, she had to ask.

As to your DH's relationship with his mother, leave it to him, and leave it to her. Don't ask them not to use you as the middle man/ whipping girl. Leave them to it.

Drop the ball. You don’t want to play their game.

She hasn't asked for a lift, and you are choosing to make this your problem

You are making this a thing

I agree. 'That's a shame enjoy your flight' and then move on. If she comes back and directly asks say how busy you are and suggest she contacts DH directly

Agree

I feel mil gives us the dregs of her time. So picking her up, dropping her off.
Stop picking her up or dropping her off. She can catch a taxi.

We ask repeatedly if she wants to stay but our house isn't near a train station so she says no.
Stop asking!! Why are you chasing after this woman? She doesn't want to be near you!! She's spent months in this country and not bothered to visit. Surely that's a big enough hint?

I keep repeating ask dh, ask dh, ask dh.
Then stop saying it. Mentally shrug your shoulders. Out of curiosity what is she asking?

I keep telling dh sort it etc but they aren't getting it.
Stop telling him. Just ignore the both of them and if things go wrong, tough.

My goodness woman, you are the absolute shining epitome of insanity. You keep repeating the same behaviour but expecting a different result 😳 Just drop the rope, accept you can't change them, so change yourself. Block her on WhatsApp, don't answer her calls, ignore her texts. If she can't get hold of you she either contacts DH or she goes NC. Either way you will be free.

@DyslexicPoster haha! Sorry - I thought you mean just no redeeming features full stop 😄. Tough one but yes just remove yourself from the drama. My SIL has a dh and MIL like this and loves playing the martyr. I’ve never understood it. Not your circus . . . .

I might suggest dh looks at hotels near the airport.

Now she is mentioning her 3 massive cases and the flight to the airport. I think she just wants a lift to the airport. That's 85 miles just to pick her up on a work and a school day

I have told dh this is his problem.

This isn’t your problem or DH’s problem. Don’t engage, don’t offer her a lift and don’t nag him to fix her taxi problems.

He’s obviously not interested in a relationship with her. And tbh she doesn’t sound particularly interested in him or his family. So just disengage and follow his line.

If she then wants the relationship with her son she’ll have to make the effort directly with him.

Must have been travelling around with the massive suitcases if she got from home to first flight and has travelled around the country getting back home is going to be a walk in the park.

You've done the right thing handing it over to DH. His mother, his problem.