Hubby won’t come to cancer hospital appointments with me

[Andymeda]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 Uterine cancer 6 years ago, thankfully been in remission and well since surgery in 2017. I do the 6 monthly scans and blood tests common in this situation with the anxious wait for results. Not once in that 6 years has my husband come with me for either test or result consult. He is very disabled so the train journey, hospital visit would be an effort, tiring, but we go on holiday, travel for leisure etc….
In the first 2 years I minded very much, the fear of cancer returning was so scary then and results visits were in person, which meant sitting in the hospital waiting room with lots of sick people on my own. Then with covid and telephone results the whole settled into a pattern within a busy life. The last 2 scans have shown problems, not cancer, but linked to side effects from the drugs I take and looking at the scan visit looming this Friday my anxiety levels are up again. We’ve had tears and rows about this over the last year so when I asked him if he was coming this week and he said no I was very hurt and upset. Now he’s changed his mind and says sorry and wants to come but I’m so distressed with his first response I don’t want him there. This is because I think he’s coming for the wrong reasons, to avoid more rows etc rather than because he cares, wants to be there for me etc. I’m so distressed and resentful I can’t see the wood for the trees. I need an outside perspective on this please-AIBU?

How is your relationship otherwise?
If you want him to go with you and he has said he will then don't tell him not to.

I'm sorry this is causing you upset at an already anxious time. Agree with PP, unless there are deeper issues, let him come and then perhaps have a nice lunch or dinner out.

Sorry you have to deal with the cancer, and now side effects of treatment. I have been in those shoes and it can be very stressful.

I think your DH has been less supportive than you would have hoped, but sounds like you have got that message through to him, so perhaps give him a chance to show his support this time.

That's rubbish, it really is.

Sounds like he’s sticking his head in the sand about your living with having a cancer diagnosis and all that involves. You care for him with his disability and understand about how it affects him. He needs to step up and be there for you as you are there for him. Let him see the stress and worry you go through. Let him experience being there for you. See how it goes. Don’t try to make his day better just have him accompany you. Make sure that you focus on you not on how he’s feeling. I hope that you’ll be ok.

I'd let him go. Maybe he just hadn't realised how much it meant to you for him to be there before. He's realised now & wants to be there for you. It may also be he wants to avoid arguments, but if you stop him going, if you ever argue about/discuss this again he can say he offered & you wouldn't let him.

I was diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer last year. So far hubby has been to every appointment. I have a scan results appointment on Monday & he's unsure he can get the time off work. I've said I'm fine to go alone, but on Monday I'll probably wish I'd pushed him to ask for time off (he's had a lot of time off lately for various reasons), his boss is brilliant. I'm not sure if I'm being brave or a martyr saying he doesn't have to go.

Usually, after seeing the oncologist, we go out for lunch. Whether it's good or bad news we have some time for us before coming home to face the kids.

I understand you being annoyed with your hubby for his lack of support previously, but as he has offered to come now, if it was me I'd let him.

Although you are quite reasonable to expect your DH to attend appointments with you at what must have been a terrifying time, now that he wants to come please don't over-analyse it!

Edit: Otherwise the poor man is in a damned if he doesn't, damned if he does situation.

I totally understand your resentment, it must have felt like a slap in the face when you were dealing with something so upsetting and distressing. I would have found that very hard.

But I think now he's offered you can't have it both ways: you have to have the grace to accept his olive branch and let him come. It may stick in the throat but this is him learning and trying to support you. If you throw it back in his face now you're denying him the opportunity to do this.

Good luck.

Ok it may be to avoid rows, but what if he is coming even though it's really hard for him, out of love for you?

I think you should let him come and see how it plays out. It might end up being a real turning point. Whereas if you ban him, nothing will change and you'll carry on resenting him.

He’s coming with me!

it’s been a rocky road since I last posted before we got here but things are calmer this evening which is good for me as tomorrow will generate it’s own nervous energy.

Anyway the main thing I wanted to say is a big thanks to all of you for responding and so quickly. When I posted I was a tightly coiled ball of anxiety and resentment and as all of your reasonable voices came in one by one it was like a pressure valve being released. You can’t know how much you helped- thanks a million xx

he cannot be that disabled if he manages holidays!!! sounds more like a selfish self centred git to me!! having lost our daughter 3.5 years ago to womens' cancer I totally feel for you. Both my husband and I went to appointments with our daughter. we were so worried and knew how anxious she was about her children. Do you have a daughter or sister or a family member who can go with you for moral support?

Sadly not, apart from an older brother, my sister and other close family are no longer with us. I’m so sorry for your loss but glad you could both be there for her when she needed you so much.