To have had enough of my own voice

[ReluctantChatterbox]

I used to be painfully shy as a kid. There is a trauma background I won’t go into, I can see where the shyness came from because I was a naturally chatty, happy-go-lucky child before.

Shyness persisted into late 20s/early 30s. Through therapy and self-development, I gained a lot of confidence, but now I talk excessively. I'm in my 40s and feel more like myself, but my talking habit really bothers me.

I still struggle with a smidge of social anxiety, so can become quiet in those moments, but when I'm comfortable, I talk a lot. I use 70 words where 10 will do, and I find it hard to stop once I start.

DP says it doesn’t bother him and not something he’d see as a problem but I suspect he’s just being his kind self. I’ve definitely seen his eyes glaze over a time or two and we’ve had (unrelated) disagreements where he’s mentioned me talking ‘at’ him.

It got a bit worse since DD3 was born as I seemed to take the whole ‘narrate life to baby’ thing to heart. She has a fantastic vocabulary now but I could be clutching to justify my incessant nattering, and I want to give her space to start having her own thoughts rather than listening to me all day long.

DM is a big talker and has always needed constant noise (phone chatter, TV, Radio etc). I adore DM but growing up I found it incredibly exhausting.

I very much love peace and quiet. This just seems to be something that happens when I’m around other people and I promise myself beforehand that I’ll do better and keep it in check but still end up with post-conversational regret.

I’m NT, no ND that I am aware of, fairly well versed in social norms/etiquette and do listen well. I don’t interrupt people when they talk, it’s not like I’m just waiting for my chance to jump in, I love learning about others, engaging in two way conversations and asking questions. It’s more like once the door is open to talk I keep going and this wasn’t always the case, just the last few years.

I’m a big believer in “better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt” but I can’t seem to live it anymore!

I don’t want want my voice to become white noise in my household and for DD to feel about me how I felt about DM. But I fear it’s starting already.

What in the world do I do about this?
What even is this?!

(PS - yes, my verbosity clearly extends to the written word but thank you for reading this far!)

Wow thats alot. I dont know what it is but it seems like youve gone from one extreme to the other, complete opposite of shy. it sounds like you are aware of what youre doing and trying to stop it so thats a start. i really dont know what to advise, just didnt want to read and run. i really hope someone comes along and knows how to deal with these kind of things as you sound really lovely. sorry couldnt be more help

Thank you @Devilsmommy for your reply and nice words. You sound like a kind person. Sorry for the delay, I fell asleep not long after I posted.

Yeah I can see myself how I’ve swung from one side to the other. Logically someone might say just stop doing it, but I’ve tried! Not sure if there is something practical I can do or if anyone else has experienced something like this too.

Could your need to talk be anxiety related?

My mil talks incessantly and it’s to hide her insecurity. She will never admit to being insecure though. She might not even recognise it.

My partner talks incessantly for the same reason although he also has adhd too. His meds help him rein it in a bit and since he started them we don’t get the stream of consciousness launched at us unless he’s feeling particularly anxious. My son now does this so waiting for his adhd assessment. He doesn’t show signs of anxiety

@alpenguin i didn’t think of it as an anxiety or insecurity thing but perhaps you have a point there. I’ve really reflected on what you’ve said there and sometimes I do think I’m trying to justify myself a bit and just keep talking as a way of making sure I do or am not misunderstood in any way. Perhaps I have not gained as much confidence as I thought 😅

It sounds like an anxiety response to me, too. My timid mother chatters endlessly, especially in scenarios where she feels insecure, regardless of whether it’s appropriate — a waiter in a busy restaurant will ask for her order and she’ll say ‘Oh, it all looks so nice, I can’t decide, I wonder now…’ and talk away at the unfortunate waiter for five minutes, while the rest of the table starves and he’s desperate to get the order to the kitchen, because she’s uncomfortable with someone serving her, and thinks that chatter somehow levels the playing field.

I do this too. And it’s definitely not an anxiety thing. More an extrovert thing. It more than I get too excited about sharing my experiences with people when I’m in the moment and I find it hard to contain. I do try though.

I’m also a good and genuinely interested listener though. Or so I’ve been told.

No tips to stop I’m afraid, but following with interest.

My biggest tip is to hang around with people who like chatty people. I love another chatterer so I wouldn’t view it as a problem to stop 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Secondaryschoolstress thats a good tip! I do find myself feeling more at ease with other chatterers tbf. Conversation flows easier and I don’t feel like I’m filling the space all by myself, it’s more of a teamwork thing then 😂

But I am solidly an introvert though and too much social interaction tends to wear me out. I do love being around extroverts though, I actually feel like the pressure is off a little then.

@Secondaryschoolstress oh you said people who like chatty people not are chatty people 😅

But still stands, when I hang around other chatty people I do feel a little less self conscious.

@TheDaphne perhaps this is a little more complex and I could benefit from some more work on my confidence.

I didn’t think it was an insecurity thing and thinking about what PP said makes sense to me that sometimes I just enjoy being in conversation with people and get carried away. I also do this with DP and he’s one of the few people I feel I can be fully myself with.

But then at times it makes me feel uncomfortable to know I’m doing it.

bit of a funny one really. It’s been useful to put it out there though. Somethings that’s been on my mind.

Im sure your DM is absolutely lovely, but yes that’s the kind of behaviour I’m trying to avoid as I get older.

I am doing this too. I feel like it's much worse since having my kids. I feel like I just talk at people maniacally. I think I am a bit anxious tbh. Quite overwhelmed by life and trying to put in a good show. But yes I get really really enthusiastic about eg a work meeting. I swear each time I won't talk, but then I break the seal and can't stop. I agree with the person who said they like hanging out with other chatty people!