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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of 8 years not invited to wedding

52 replies

NHOU1 · 12/09/2023 18:29

I (49F) have been invited to a wedding - AIBU to expect that my partner (48M) (we've lived together for 8 years) should also be invited? Bride is Canadian and it is being slanted that as most of her family will be travelling here for the wedding she should have 75% of the invited guests so numbers are restricted for his side. It won't be a cheap day (outfit/present/drinks/travel to and from venue) - would you go or not? 😕

OP posts:
gogomoto · 12/09/2023 19:12

Do they know your dp? That's the crucial question, if no, or only met once or twice then it's common not to invite if you have a numbers problem

HisNibs · 12/09/2023 19:14

As a pp has said... if the guest list isn't to your liking, don't go.

LadyBird1973 · 12/09/2023 19:16

I think it's a bit rude to exclude a partner of 8 years, that the OP lives with. Especially if they are inviting other partners that they might know/not know equally to the OPs dp, but are inviting them because they are married.

If lots of spouses are excluded, on the grounds that there's no space/b&g aren't close friends, then that's a bit more reasonable imo.

I'd want to know if this is purely because you aren't married and if so, I would find that offensive in your situation.

Deathbyfluffy · 12/09/2023 19:18

TheBarbieEffect · 12/09/2023 18:57

YABU. You’re not married so you haven’t committed yourself.

What on Earth does that have to do with anything?
Once married it’s still possible to attend functions without the other person.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 12/09/2023 19:21

No I would not go as you will be on your own and rude also as you live together and have been together for years. I was invited to a wedding years ago and partner not invited so I declined to go. What has been married got to do with anything as someone suggested above, not everyone wants to get married at all ever, are we back in the age that marriage is the be all and end all for everyone NO.

TidyDancer · 12/09/2023 19:23

If numbers are restricted and they don't know your DP (or don't know them well) then it's fair enough that you're invited solo. Is there a specific reason you think DP should be going?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/09/2023 19:27

If I knew there would be lots of people I want to chat to, eat and drink with, dance with etc then I would go. If I would be bored and making conversation with acquaintances then not.

Either way I wouldn't be offended that DP wasn't invited. You can bet he is relieved!

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 12/09/2023 19:28

TheBarbieEffect · 12/09/2023 18:57

YABU. You’re not married so you haven’t committed yourself.

PMSL. 😆Gonna grab a bag of popcorn to eat whilst I read the responses to this!

@NHOU1 You need to answer these questions ... does this couple know your partner? Are they family? How long have you known them? You have not given enough information for most people to give a proper answer.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/09/2023 19:28

I can't comment until I know your relationship to the Bride and Groom.

LizardLizard · 12/09/2023 19:30

Yeah, I’d go, especially if I knew other people who were going too. They’re not obliged to offer me a plus one and I totally get that allowing everyone to do so can massively increase the cost of the wedding.

QueSyrahSyrah · 12/09/2023 19:31

I think there's a lot of variables that would make it ultimately reasonable or unreasonable, including your relationship to the Groom, how long you've known them, how well, do they know your partner, day or evening invite, big or small wedding, do you need to travel / stay over or not?

That said, in our own case we would not have dreamt of not inviting significant others, unless it was a brand new relationship. I think the 'newest' couple at our wedding was 6 months or so. They're still together. Personally I feel it's pretty disrespectful of your loved ones' long relationship not to invite their partner(s), which is at odds with an event celebrating a long relationship.

Kay286 · 12/09/2023 19:31

Well you’ve said you’ve been together 8 years … but not mentioned if the bride knows him or not which is more relevant? If she’s never met him and doesn’t have the scope to invite a huge number of guests then that’s their choice - if you don’t like it don’t go.

Reddog1 · 12/09/2023 19:33

You’ve given your ages and sexes but not your relationship to the groom, which is probably the key point.

FTB2023 · 12/09/2023 19:37

Reddog1 · 12/09/2023 19:33

You’ve given your ages and sexes but not your relationship to the groom, which is probably the key point.

And whether the groom knows your DP

RampantIvy · 12/09/2023 19:38

Reddog1 · 12/09/2023 19:33

You’ve given your ages and sexes but not your relationship to the groom, which is probably the key point.

Their ages and sexes are completely irrelevant, so why did the OP post them in the first place?

Solonge · 12/09/2023 19:46

Nope I wouldnt go. I dont understand why because the bride is Canadian she gets three quarters of the guests? What sense does that make? If friends/family didnt invite my partner I would decline.

Reddog1 · 12/09/2023 19:48

RampantIvy · 12/09/2023 19:38

Their ages and sexes are completely irrelevant, so why did the OP post them in the first place?

Show quote history

No idea! Perhaps to demonstrate that homophobia isn’t at play, or to reflect that they’re not a pair of 22yo who are statistically likely to break up. Dunno really. 🤷‍♀️ OP will explain I’m sure.

Bellyblueboy · 12/09/2023 19:50

the bride hates your partner. He had a torrid affair with the groom. They have put it behind them on the condition she never has to see your slutty boyfriend ever again.

QueSyrahSyrah · 12/09/2023 19:50

Solonge · 12/09/2023 19:46

Nope I wouldnt go. I dont understand why because the bride is Canadian she gets three quarters of the guests? What sense does that make? If friends/family didnt invite my partner I would decline.

I didn't understand that either. Surely it's more likely she'd have less on her side, with international travel required. If she's having 75% why not just have the wedding in Canada?

Namerequired · 12/09/2023 19:52

I don’t see why travelling family gets you 75% invites? Isn’t it normally less people travel? So if this is the case of the bride not wanting the grooms friends and family then yanbu not to go.
In terms of an invite for your dp. Family and friends I would expect one. Work colleagues/hobby, basically things you are invited as a group I wouldn’t expect an invite for dp unless he was also part of the group.
As for no ring, no bring. That’s a thing? Thankfully not in my circle as dp and I are 25 years, 4 children, a paid mortgage etc in with apparently ‘no commitment’. Not everyone believes in or wants to get married.

Butterkist8 · 12/09/2023 19:54

I'd be miffed if it was a family wedding but not if it was a colleague's wedding.
I don't get why 75% of the guests need to be Canadians. It should be a more equal split, irrespective of where family/friends live.

You've had a couple of bonkers responses on here OP.

cheddercherry · 12/09/2023 19:55

Depends on the dynamic, I’ve gone to weddings without my husband because he didn’t know the couple as well and I was with colleagues or friends etc. If you’re going to be “on your own” then I can see why you’d not want to go. Or if you’re usually close as couples and now he feels left out then I get why you’re upset.

Ultimately it’s their choice who they invite but equally it’s your choice if your want to attend. The phrase “it’s an invitation not a summon” comes to mind.

Namerequired · 12/09/2023 19:57

Bellyblueboy · 12/09/2023 19:50

the bride hates your partner. He had a torrid affair with the groom. They have put it behind them on the condition she never has to see your slutty boyfriend ever again.

Or the bride had an affair with the op’s partner. She’s still in love with him and thinks if she sees him at the wedding she won’t be able to go through with it. Then she’ll forever be in the no ring no bring group which is her sole reason for getting married.
The Canadians are making up 75% of the guest list because the more local ones know about the affair and might out her.

BCBird · 12/09/2023 19:57

If other people were going without their partner then yes as u will all be able to socialise. Would get my partner to drop.me off and pick.me up🤣

Callyem · 12/09/2023 19:58

If I knew a fair few people going and wouldn't feel uncomfortable I would go, If I didn't I wouldn't.