Has anyone really (honestly) cracked not giving a shit in dating?

[Sameoldsameoldstuff]

I stopped dating a couple of years back after all the anxiety of it got too much. Couldn’t be bothered with the will he text/won’t he text business and perpetual disappointment any longer.

Now my life is way better. My sons have just started secondary school, we’ve moved down to the coast, I’ve got a membership to a lovely sports club and I go there to socialise and do classes when the boys are at their dad’s. Got really lovely friends too. Any man that’s crossed my path in the last couple of years has been inconsequential. I’ve completely changed as a person (or so I thought….).

Met a guy at the sports club that I really like. Had 5 dates or so with him, all of which he’s initiated. Finally started to let my guard down and enjoy my time with him. Dared to be the one to invite him out for dinner next week.

Wouldn’t you know, he’s gone quiet after I asked and as much as I thought I was a shining example of nonchalant, independent, thank-you-next female, I feel kind of shit.

Has anyone really truly cracked this? I don’t want to go back to playing games and playing hard to get, lest I let any man know I have a slight bit of interest.

I don’t feel heartbroken like I’d have done in the past, but I’d love to not care AT ALL.

What are everyone’s tricks of the trade? I thought I’d mastered it but apparently I haven’t!

Oh this is really interesting. I never found the answer, except going through the menopause, which might be a bit too drastic for you!

I wonder if there's a fake-it-til-you-make-it angle - I imagine even the most insouciant-seeming people don't actually not care (at all) about being ghosted or dumped, they just have a braver face about it.

And I think there's a wisdom angle too, by which I mean understanding that someone who goes quiet when you show enthusiasm is fundamentally not going to make you happy, however good looking/funny/clever he is. Speaking for myself I worked out over time that for me, I needed someone who was absolutely delighted to be with me and had zero interest in playing games. So if you've got a game player on your hands, it's no shame on you and doesn't even necessarily mean he's a 100% shit - he's just not the guy for you. Most guys won't be. But you only need one.

I think having that sort of self-knowledge and broader perspective can help you take it less to heart when things go wrong.

Dunno if any of that helps!

I think maybe I'm starting to crack it after 48 years on this planet and 2 failed marriages behind me! I took years out, went to counselling and really just learned to find out who I was, not what I thought someone wanted me to be. I now know I don't need a man, I might like some company but I don't think my life will be any better with one.

I've been very casually seeing someone for 4 months now. He's lovely, ticks a lot of boxes. It's all nice and very easy. The difference is I am constantly focused on what works for me and what doesn't, what do I want and what do I not want. Don't get me wrong I'm not completely up my own ass now but if I don't like something I don't like it and that's okay. I am not turning myself inside out trying to please him. He can take me or leave me, I really don't mind.

Perhaps it's because relationships have brought me nothing but pain and heartache that I'm completely ambivalent now but I do still believe in love and if it doesn't work out and he doesn't see how bloody fabulous I am, then that's on him, it's not my issue :)

I am happily single, but the last guys l dated the minute they added stress or drama to my life l walked away. You get to that stage where you just want to protect your emotional wellbeing and that takes way more priority over some weak wishy washy excuse of a man.
Toxic men can make you sick, obviously not all men are like that but l came across my fair share.
If you are not adding something positive to my life your not for me. Simple as that.

I think you just have to not care or have high expectations. Just remember mostly it’s not you but them. I totally understand where you are coming from. I was on the dating scene for years till I met DP.

I would meet nice guys who I thought I had a connection to be ghosted or kept on the back burner. I ended up treating dating as a hobby and would only dare on set days. Not great way to do it.

DP chased me and I had reservations, probably because I had my guard up. But the difference was he was reliable, consistent and it was easy. No drama, no hours without texting etc.

now we are living together he has gotten lazy and complacent. But he always is mr reliable

I think the only wisdom I have is don't date. All the partners I've had have come through work, all were friends. I've still had disappointments like you describe but I think a lot of the anxiety is taken out of the equation when you basically know each other and like each other first.

Not needing one financially or otherwise helps. Then they're an actual choice.

What is working for me right now is having several things going on at the same time (and being very clear to everyone I don't plan to be monogamic) and also accepting that being rejected hurts a lot EVERY TIME. It will hurt, and after the hurt I'll be fine again. (Until next time).
And as PP said, focusing on what's good for me, what works for me.

If you mean, do I not give a shit about dating because I am happy with my life however if someone came along who would enhance and fit in with my life then yes, I have cracked that!

Until this mythical man comes along however, i am content in not actively seeking a relationship.

A lot of men are just twats at least that's how I feel. My experiences have made me extremely jaded and I've only just turned 35. I think there are (possibly) some good men but they are not as common as led to believe. "A good man is hard to find" comes to mind. If I had kids I don't think I'd bother.

I think I've got to a point where they can take me or leave me, I'm not playing games if they don't they don't, I'm not going to try and fit what they want, but it still smarts to know you're not what someone wants, even if you didn't want them either 😆

This is my solution too, and barring the occasional love-bombed disaster has been for some years. I also accept that we all change and move on, all of us have full lives and no expectation of a long-term.
Walk out of the door and I’ll be fine, you’ll be fine and we’re on good terms with happy memories.