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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

scruffy husband!

12 replies

heavenhelpmenow · 12/09/2023 12:18

Me and my husband are in our 50's. I still look and feel like 30's and have looked after myself. Husband not so much. Over the past couple of years this has become very noticeable and it's a lot worse. We arrange to go out in the afternoons so he does jobs around the house and garden in the morning. However, he does not get changed and often the clothes are a bit grubby, marks on them, food he's dropped on himself etc. His trainers are dirty as well and i often ask him to give them a clean which he will do. His oral hygiene is not great and his teeth are stained and he never uses dental floss hence he often has bad breath and bits of food stuck in his teeth. Same with not keeping up with deodorant or washing under arms with sweaty smells. He just says he showers every day so not his fault. Our sex life was suffering anyway due to ED but now it's non existent! I just feel repulsed by him. Trying to discuss it with him is useless as he just says i'm over reacting and it's not that important. Our son has broached the subject with him and he laughs it off even when told mum is not happy. I'm thinking of leaving him. He is often accident prone around the house and getting more untidy and leaving mess. I just want him back the way he was really but he won't listen.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 12/09/2023 12:34

He sounds gross. My DH is fastidious about cleanliness and grooming. I would be really put off by someone who displayed a real lack of self care.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 12/09/2023 12:35

Start calling him Onslo. And follow him round with air freshener..

TregunaMekoides · 12/09/2023 12:37

If it's got worse fairly recently it's likely there is more going on than just being scruffy. Especially when you say he has ED. It sounds like he doesn't care about himself any more. That's really sad.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2023 12:39

He's disgusting, but even worse is that he doesn't even give a shit how you feel. When a spouse isn't at all concerned about how their partner views them, it's over.

Newtrix · 12/09/2023 12:41

Really unnecessary and lazy to not have a quick wash and brush your teeth.

Could be depressed if this is a relatively sudden change?

Goneroundthetwist · 12/09/2023 12:41

Sounds like the start of dementia.

Gerrataere · 12/09/2023 12:44

My ex turned into this person a lot quicker, by his 30s he was like Homer Simpson minus the alcohol problem. Socks would be worn for days, in summer I used to beg him to change them after being on his feet all day at work only to be accused of nagging as soon as he came through the door (the smell was awful as you can well imagine). No ED but the body odour and bad breath during sex was nauseating. He’d swear he’d washed as well, but it’s like he didn’t know how to use soap properly and thoroughly. It’s only got worse since I’ve left, on the rare occasions I’ve shared a car with him the constant half/unwashed smell is very apparent. I have no idea how he’s not being pulled up on it elsewhere. I think another 20 years of constant ponging would have driven me over the edge, not enough Febreeze in the world…

Gerrataere · 12/09/2023 12:46

Goneroundthetwist · 12/09/2023 12:41

Sounds like the start of dementia.

Sounds like middle aged man who feels like he’s got no reason to make an effort anymore more like.

heavenhelpmenow · 12/09/2023 12:47

Newtrix · 12/09/2023 12:41

Really unnecessary and lazy to not have a quick wash and brush your teeth.

Could be depressed if this is a relatively sudden change?

definitely don't think he is depressed. He shows no other signs, has lots of energy etc. I just think he's uninterested in self care.

OP posts:
heavenhelpmenow · 12/09/2023 12:48

Gerrataere · 12/09/2023 12:46

Sounds like middle aged man who feels like he’s got no reason to make an effort anymore more like.

I agree with you Gerrataere!

OP posts:
Gerrataere · 12/09/2023 12:57

heavenhelpmenow · 12/09/2023 12:48

I agree with you Gerrataere!

I really feel for you, it’s almost a personal insult isn’t it. Can’t even keep oneself clean and tidy for those you apparently want to spend your time with because they’re not worth a bit of self care.

Honestly I think a frank conversation is the only way forward with a firm ultimatum. ‘I think your self care is out of control and it’s seriously affecting my feelings and want to be with you. I don’t understand why you think your hygiene is acceptable to live with and that we simply have to put up with it. Either literally scrub up or there really isn’t any way forward for us, Im finding less and less reasons to justify being with you.’.

This is if you believe there’s a relationship to salvage, in my circumstances the love had gone for many reasons and I just felt I had another person to ‘care’ for especially each time I had to pointedly say ‘I think that shirts a bit dirty to go out in, oh it’s a hot day have you got your deodorant, are you going for a shower first or shall I….’.

WickedSerious · 12/09/2023 13:19

My partner is older than the OP's husband and he was never what you'd call perfectly groomed but he really started to neglect himself in his mid fifties.He's now almost six stone overweight with bad breath and grey,crumbling teeth.

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