Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off?

13 replies

WhatsForTeaMama · 12/09/2023 11:01

Being slightly vague incase the DM swipe for a boring article. Don't want outing.

I'm married to my partner. Have been for a good amount of time 10+ years
Both female. Me lesbian and her bisexual.

Sex life went off a cliff years ago but I put it down to her pregnancies and just life tbh.

Found out yesterday that she's only romantically attracted to women and is sexually attracted to men. Didn't find out from her so she doesn't know that I know.

AIBU to be pissed off that she hid this from me? I always thought it could be my fault she doesn't want sex with me, I have put a bit of weight on but nope, I just don't have the right anatomy I guess Hmm
Good enough to raise a family with but not good enough to fuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatsForTeaMama · 12/09/2023 13:13

Bump

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 12/09/2023 13:16

That must be awful op. Are you going to say something?

Shoxfordian · 12/09/2023 13:19

How did you find out? If someone told you then are they a credible source?

Talk to your partner - you should have spoken to her ages ago about it but ask whether she wants more sex and take it from there

WunWun · 12/09/2023 13:21

I don't think this is something you can 'find out' from anyone but her

Original poster
WhatsForTeaMama · 12/09/2023 13:33

She said it in a reply to an online post, so I know it's true.

OP posts:
AlwaysHappy1 · 12/09/2023 13:44

I'm furious for you, she really should have been open about this early on so you could be informed and make decisions based on all the info.

She may not have been telling the truth in the online post, odd thing to lie about though!

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/09/2023 14:49

You aren’t at all wrong to be upset or to feel deceived. It’s possible though that the conclusion she’s reached now is the result of years of internal processing and examining her attitude towards and feelings about sex, rather than intentional manipulation and deceit from the beginning of the relationship. It isn’t always easy, especially for women (and more especially for younger women) to separate love, romantic attraction and sexual attraction into independent feelings.

Obviously you need to raise it with her, and work out where you go from here.

readbooksdrinktea · 12/09/2023 14:54

I'm furious for you, she really should have been open about this early on so you could be informed and make decisions based on all the info.

Absolutely. She has deceived you, it's not okay.

ManateeFair · 12/09/2023 15:04

I'd feel really betrayed and used in your position. She should have been honest with you from the start. Using someone for romantic love and a stable family life when you know you can't give them a full sexual relationship is really unfair - it's no better than using someone for sex when you know you don't really love them, is it?

My guess is that she thought she could somehow make it work as a sexual relationship because she loves you romantically. But she should have been open about that with you from the start. When she realised it could get serious with you, she should have said 'I know I can fall in love with women, but I'm more sexually attracted to men. I know that I love you and I don't want to be with anyone else, and I want to try to make it work, but I need to be honest with you about my sexuality so you can decide for yourself if that's something you think we can get past'. She shouldn't have just hoped for the best and settled down and had a family with you when she was fully aware that she might be denying you a proper sex life.

Original poster
WhatsForTeaMama · 12/09/2023 15:11

See I've brought up the lack of sex before and she's never mentioned any of this. It's usually blamed on me for "pestering" even though I mention it maybe once every 6 months or less because there's no point. A few months back I was thinking about it and realised I think she's possibly been drunk almost every time we've had sex which is depressing as hell. I don't remember a time when she hasn't had a drink first.

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 12/09/2023 15:18

WhatsForTeaMama · 12/09/2023 15:11

See I've brought up the lack of sex before and she's never mentioned any of this. It's usually blamed on me for "pestering" even though I mention it maybe once every 6 months or less because there's no point. A few months back I was thinking about it and realised I think she's possibly been drunk almost every time we've had sex which is depressing as hell. I don't remember a time when she hasn't had a drink first.

This is so sad. You need a serious conversation. And I hope you decide that you deserve someone who is honest with you and wants the same kind of relationship you do.

AlwaysHappy1 · 12/09/2023 16:12

I'm really sorry you must be feeling pretty crap right now. You need to have a proper conversation with her but have a think first about what you want to cover and do it when you are calmer.

WorseDecision · 12/09/2023 16:13

I'd divorce her.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page