Panicking in colossal choking pain can't stop crying, how can I make it stop?

[depressionne]

Alcohol? Is it ever okay to use alcohol to numb that shit down?

I'm recently bereaved and tonight I am panicking because the pain is so great. I miss my mum dreadfully and need her and she's dead. How do you manage the pain of this?

I’m so sorry for your loss. My mum died 20 years ago, but I remember the acute stage of loss and the feeling that you might never stop crying. I never found alcohol worked. I just gave into the grief and sobbed until I couldn’t any more that day. My mum always said grief was the one time in your life when you have to be selfish - you have to do whatever your body is telling you to do.

If you’re up to it, I would very much like to hear about your mum. I found it helped to talk about mine. Are there any favourite things you feel able to
share?

I would love to give a recipe to numb the pain but I'm afraid the only things that made it better were breathing through it and time.

When my dad died 11 years ago a friend who had experienced bereavement before told me "You will get though it but you will never get over it". I don't know why but it made me feel better. I wish I could say something that will have the same effect on you - sending love!

I don't think I can talk about her at the moment, I was trying to make myself feel better earlier by reading a few little notes she wrote me and that just seemed to trigger such a massive wave of unbearable pain.

Her words are wonderful but it seemed to hammer home even more how she isn't here. I can't explain it.

You don’t need to explain it. I get it. Every person reacts differently to every stage of grief. That’s why you have to just find your own way through to tomorrow, and the next day. Try and breathe through the pain. Don’t try and keep it in - if it’s making you want to scream or wail, just grab a pillow and let it out into it (or just out loud if your neighbours aren’t too close)

Grief comes in waves - Anon.

Grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function.

You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Howl as much as you like, it’s allowed. Try to keep off the alcohol, though. Sounds trite but a cup of tea is better. Put the notes/letters away until you feel stronger.

You can't make it stop. You have to feel it. You have to live through it. You will do this, and, in time, you will be through this moment.

If you try to stop your emotions you will never get to the other side of them. You must feel them. Shout. Scream. Cry. Breathe through it. Feel this pain, which is important and real. This moment will not always be happening, but it is happening now.

I'm so sorry about your mum.

Ah OP, it’s so shit. My husband died suddenly 3 years ago and I remember those unbelievable waves of longing and pain and panic so clearly. All I can say is that it does and will ease. You won’t believe it can, but it does. Do whatever you need to do to get through this one (not alcohol though, it only makes it worse) and the next will be more
manageable, I promise.

Music was the only thing that got me through. I ended up spending hours listening and making a playlist of songs that had got me through the next three minutes... they were chosen for either the vibe and rhythm or the words.... it was the only thing that made any real difference when every cell of my body was sad to its core.

For instance
https://spotify.link/jLIGmBWb1Cb

I think that is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. Thank you so much for that piece of writing about shipwrecks, beautiful

So sorry for your loss. Only time will ease the grieving. No one can say how much time. As a pp said, grief comes in waves and can hit you when you least expect it.

Oh darling just cry and sob and snot it out!

There's no miracle cure, just keep snotting, I used to wave my fist at the sky and say - see what you've done now??! We had a humorous relationship so I'd reply for her.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand the panic and not being able to breathe. If course you are allowed a drink.

Sending some calming hugs (I know!). Knock yourself out so you can sleep. Or not. Just look after yourself. Toughest time ever. Love X

So sorry for your loss. Losing your Mum is particularly painful - I have been there too.
Grief just takes its time. You have to learn to live differently - I'm not sure you 'get over it'. I think I cried hard every day for at least a year. It was so devastating. But it's now 7 years down the line and I do still feel sad and cry occasionally but oddly I feel her with me more now than I did then. She lives on in so many ways. I wish she was here to actually see and touch, but she's always with me in my thoughts and feelings.
Take each day at a time, there are many difficult milestones ahead but be kind to yourself.

Another
https://spotify.link/gmAYEt0b1Cb

But some of the songs were just beats, that helped me keep moving in some way.

OP I’m so sorry, I know how painful acute grief can be. It helped me to have someone with me rubbing my back and making sure I ate and drank and put a cover over me if I was getting cold etc. Do you have anybody with you right now? Can you call someone now or first thing in the morning? Please be kind to yourself and take care of your basic needs like that.

I did find that some simple painkillers helped slightly (like paracetamol and ibuprofen) and a hot water bottle. I don’t think alcohol in this acute stage is the worst idea in the world if it helps (assuming you’re not an alcoholic normally) but don’t make a habit of it in the medium to long term and stick to just one glass of something.

I think with grief the only thing you can do is wait, I know it doesn't feel like it will ever end right now but is the time can put any distance between you and the pain you feel right now.
If reading messages isn't bringing you comfort don't look at them. Don't listen to sad songs. You can revisit these when you can see them clearly and they aren't clouded by pain. When you can look at them and take comfort from them. They aren't going away. You need to focus on yourself and healing right now. Everybody is different and nobody can tell you how long it will take or what will work for you, but I can tell you drinking probably isn't a good idea. You can contact your GP is it's too much and maybe also arrange some grief counseling. I imagine that there's charity's you can phone as well if you need somebody to talk to who isn't close to the situation. Good luck op

@depressionne

No, please don't use alcohol to numb the pain. That's a very dangerous path to trod. If you find yourself irresistibly drawn to it, please seek support.

Instead scream, cry, sob, beat your fists against the walls. The best way to numb or get rid of feelings is to actually feel them, so let them roll over you. Our brains know how much we can stand and the numbness will come, at least for awhile. And soon there will be longer and longer periods of numb as your mind recovers.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. Cherish her memory, feel her love. The time will come, maybe not as soon as you'd like, when thoughts of her will bring more smiles than tears.

it doesn’t go away but you do get used to the feeling so the shock of the pain subsides and you go on. Don’t fight it. You will get through this, xx

I’m sorry for your loss @depressionne I lost my mum in 2020 in the middle of covid. I once went to do a huge sob but my breath got caught in my throat and I literally couldn’t catch my breath and thought I was going to die. So in the midst of my loss I couldn’t even cry and then I felt guilty and reached for drink! It was great at the time, it took the edge off the pain and helped knock me out at night!however after a couple of months I woke up to what I was doing and reached out to the charity Cruse. It was fantastic as it was still covid we could only have one to one calls but after a while we got to the point where we could meet up for 2 hours every week and meet up with others. There were young old men women newly bereaved and others who were just a bit more along the process. We all cried with each other and talked about our loved ones and no one was judged or ridiculed. It truly kept me sane knowing that I was with others who knew just what I was going through. Maybe see if you have a local group, I’m really not into groups and classes but with Cruse it really felt healing.

Honestly, if you want a drink and you think it might take the edge off, I'd have a bloody drink.

It won't always feel quite so bad, but that's probably cold comfort right now.

Perfect description of grief 💔

How are you feeling this morning @depressionne? Hope you managed to get some sleep.