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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdad

26 replies

piano39 · 11/09/2023 22:37

NC so not outing

I am 39 with 3DC.

Been with OH for 4 years. He's from the US, us from the UK.

It took me a long time to introduce my boys, because their dad passed away when they were 8, 5 and 3. He is my first partner since. Sadly none of the boys really remember their dad and I was never keen to move on for this reason (didn't want him "replaced") but then I met OH.

During the rship despite the distance we have spent a lot of time together. Initially flying back and forth, then him staying for 6 months (twice).

Now DS8 doesn't want to visit the states anymore, says he hates it as it's boring sitting in a house, it's not a holiday; it's thousands of miles from everything he knows. (We visit for 2 weeks max at a time, several months apart)

We do stuff in the US - go out etc and do fun things but not always as OH still has to work for some of the time at least. I guess that's the "boring" bit to DC.

All DC say they like OH. They all get along well.

DS8 and DS5 are suspected ASD and I wonder if this plays a part in it (awaiting assessment) due to change!?

We are now at the stage where we want to get married and him move here, but this is not happening for another 2 years (it could be quicker but I like to take things slow that's why). That's another 2 years of visiting. DS8 says he doesn't understand how I could get married again, thinks it's weird. Not keen on OH (or anyone ever) living with us.

DS8 does not want to visit either - says he should have a choice etc. I won't leave my kids here and go to the states.

OH doesn't get enough annual leave in his new job to visit much (3 weeks)

AIBU to call the relationship off as it's seemingly doomed? And wait until DC leave home?

Or YANBU and I should encourage DC to visit?

OP posts:
Original poster
piano39 · 11/09/2023 22:41

Sorry meant to add they are now 14, 10 and 7.5, didn't know how to edit post

OP posts:
Circumferences · 11/09/2023 22:47

Long distance relationships are notoriously very difficult.
I couldn't imagine bringing three kids into that scenario. They need stability and security.

FinnRussell · 11/09/2023 22:47

It's a tricky one but I think it's a bit rubbish on your kids to make them go to visit your boyfriend repeatedly as their holidays. Why can't your boyfriend move over but wait to get married.

Original poster
piano39 · 11/09/2023 23:04

They have other holidays too, I am planning on taking them to lanzarote (just us).

He can't move over without a spouse visa, or a work visa and he's not a skilled worker so can't get one

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2023 23:09

I think you need to listen to them.

founddory · 11/09/2023 23:26

Here we go, a woman being instructed on mumsnet to put herself last in a scenario that would never have to concern a man on his own with three children. Because it just wouldn't would it?

Cut the poor woman some slack! Widowed in her thirties with three kids. She takes them for two weeks several months apart. I can only assume max 6 weeks a year.

I hated going to nursery/ childminder/ after school club. I had to go. End of. Should one of my parents given up their (non essential) career so they could "listen to me" and follow my wishes?! Nobody on here would suggest that.

But because it's a mum daring to try and have a life... put that thought away until your kids are all 18! You are asking in the wrong place op

FinnRussell · 11/09/2023 23:28

@founddory I would absolutely think the same thing if it was a man.

HamBone · 11/09/2023 23:45

Just fyi, OP. A friend of mine decided to move back to the UK from the US. It took nine months for her American DH’s visa to come through, even though they’d been married for years and had two children together.

So be prepared for alot of paperwork and a long wait.

MrsMous · 11/09/2023 23:51

I think you need to explain to your children that mum deserves to be happy too and it’s not all
about them . I think if you give up this relationship you will regret it one day.

Gloria88 · 12/09/2023 00:13

US to UK it generally takes less than 2 months if the UK half is residing in the UK. For UK to US wait time is more like 1.5years.

Jevwaypock · 12/09/2023 00:35

Hey OP,
I’ve been in your situation, Dc’s father passed away when they were 3, no memories of dad. I met someone who lived 3 hours away, so appreciate it’s not as far as the US. Met now DP when they were 7 and we moved in together when DC was 11 (DP relocated to me)
I used to take DC to visit DP where he was for occasional weekends or if there were family occasions on DP’s side as I thought it was important to integrate into his family also.
It’s a really hard position to be in because there is always an undercurrent of guilt.

If your DP lived closer to you then it would be easier he could pop in for dinner, sleepover maybe just 1 or 2 nights a weeks so when you saw him it wouldn’t be such an intense amount of time, but in your case its not so I think what you have been doing is making the best of your situation.

In my personal experience its been really nice for my DC to experience a loving relationship between me and DP and to see me happy. We have gotten to experience a family unit again. You’re their Mum and you don’t sound like you would do anything to make them miserable hence your post, to ne it sounds like they don’t have an issue with your DP and probably do just mean they get bored in the US. They are now at tricky ages where change YES will be hard for them, but it doesn’t mean it will be a disaster.

You just need to prepare your DP and them as best you can. If it doesn’t work out that will be shit, but you deserve to give it a try x

10HailMarys · 12/09/2023 00:39

DS8 and DS5 are suspected ASD and I wonder if this plays a part in it (awaiting assessment) due to change!?

I don’t think you can reasonably blame ‘suspected ASD’ on the fact that your sons are bored by having to spend all their ‘holidays’ in America hanging around the same house in the same town so their mum can see her boyfriend. I think most kids would find that really tedious. I mean, why would they enjoy that, really?

I mean, sure, you can carry on making them go to America with you if you want to. It’s your choice. But you can’t expect them to enjoy it or be enthusiastic about it. They get absolutely nothing out of it. I’m sure they do like your boyfriend but that doesn’t mean they’re actually bothered either way about seeing him, or that they like the idea of him living with them 24/7 if he moves here. All of this is for you, not for them, so of course they’re not going to be over the moon.

YANBU to want a relationship, but I do think making that relationship with a man who lives on the other side of the Atlantic was a very weird choice, under the circumstances. (How did you actually meet him?) A relationship like that is always going to be fraught with difficult even for people with no kids, and ultimately you don’t really know what a normal relationship with him would actually be like.

Of course you shouldn’t have to remain single forever, and yes, if you want put yourself first and keep taking your kids with you to your boyfriend’s house, you’re entitled to do that because you are the adult. But YANBU to think that your kids will be on board with this, because ultimately they’re not the ones who are benefiting from this. Your choice is either to call it a day with your overseas boyfriend and try to meet someone in the UK instead, or to carry on as you are and accept your kids’ resentment.

steff13 · 12/09/2023 00:41

Why can't you leave them while you visit the US? Do you not have reliable childcare?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/09/2023 00:47

I don't think someone looking after 3 kids, 2 with suspected ASD for the entire duration or a holiday, is 'reliable childcare' as much as 'absolutely massive favour that not many people would be willing to do' .

I agree with 10hailmarys

10HailMarys · 12/09/2023 00:47

Here we go, a woman being instructed on mumsnet to put herself last in a scenario that would never have to concern a man on his own with three children.

What bollocks. If a man was the sole parent to three kids, and said he was taking his kids to his American girlfriend’s place for weeks at a time to hang around being bored instead of having a holiday even though they’d openly told him they’re sick of it and see it as a chore, he would get absolutely ripped to shreds by women on here all calling him a selfish bastard who is sacrificing his kids’ happiness for the sake of a shag.

LuckyCats · 12/09/2023 01:02

I’m sure he’s lovely op but there must be other equally lovely men who live on this side of the Atlantic?
How did you meet?
long distance relationships are hard enough without throwing bored teenagers into the mix.
I used to hate staying at my mum’s boyfriends at weekends and that was only the other side of town. Hated it, I just wanted to be in my own room with my own things to hand and my mates round the corner.
Im guessing you must have a high paid probably stressful job to be able to drag 3 kids half way around the world a few times a year must be costing you a fortune.
I don’t think I could do it.
You probably spend more time overall with your partner than I do with mine and he only lives half an hour up the road but with kids full time jobs and running houses as single parents there’s just not very much time in the week.
We’re not planning on living together until all of our kids have left home.

autienotnaughty · 12/09/2023 01:11

I wouldn't make the kids go if they really don't want to. Is there a grandparent eldest could stay with? And you try to go once or twice a year. With oh coming presumably once a year. Otherwise it might be better to leave it.

HamBone · 12/09/2023 01:16

Gloria88 · 12/09/2023 00:13

US to UK it generally takes less than 2 months if the UK half is residing in the UK. For UK to US wait time is more like 1.5years.

@Gloria88 I know, I was horrified that it took my friend’s DH so long to get his visa, especially as they’d been married over 15 years!

Perhaps there was something in his background they held it up, who knows. I’m just warning the OP not to assume it’ll go smoothly.

ThinWomansBrain · 12/09/2023 01:24

Do you have a relative or friend who would stay with whichever child doesn't want to go, or have them stay in their home?
No fun stuff, just two weeks of being looked after.
If it worked well I'd be tempted to bugger off to Lanzarote by myself too.

SeulementUneFois · 12/09/2023 01:25

MrsMous · 11/09/2023 23:51

I think you need to explain to your children that mum deserves to be happy too and it’s not all
about them . I think if you give up this relationship you will regret it one day.

This OP.

THisbackwithavengeance · 12/09/2023 01:49

So teenage DCs are whining about having to go on holiday to the US because it's apparently boring?

Tough tit would be my answer to that I'm afraid.

Gloria88 · 12/09/2023 01:55

It's a careful balance between doing what's good for you but also thinking about the impact on your children. If it's a good loving relationship with this DP then in the long run seeing their mother happy will be beneficial to them.

Please ignore any 'can't you find someone here' comments they are incredibly tedious! Oh sure I'll dump my loving partner of four years and go find Mr local instead, great idea didn't think or it myself! 😒

Good luck with whatever you do.

Gloria88 · 12/09/2023 01:57

Yes doesn't matter if you're married for 1 week or 30 years, madness!!

Sorry if my first message was a bit blunt I'm currently starting the process myself and I'm a bit touchy about it!

WandaWonder · 12/09/2023 02:03

None of this is fair on your children

TooManyClouds · 12/09/2023 02:10

So you'd marry him without ever having lived together so that he can move here? I get that he's stayed with you for months a couple of times but that really isn't the same. This is a huge risk, would be a massive disruption for any children the ages that yours are, let alone adding in ASD. Tbh I think it's a mad plan. You might be lucky and it all works out but in all likelihood either the relationship won't be what you thought when you're suddenly thrown into living together properly - not him as a "guest" and all the novelty - or at least one of your kids will end up very unhappy and badly affected.

It won't be so many years until your children are independent enough for you to visit him without them, so if you do want to pursue the relationship then slow it right down, don't push another adult into your children's home unless all of them actively want this, and just wait until they have grown up before you contemplate living together.