Do I really need to do more?

[ORYX99]

My 30 year old sister (I'm 35) is depressed. Rock bottom and suicidal. Has recently self harmed. Won't accept medical intervention and lives on her own. I live round the corner, but have a child who has just started school. I care deeply about my sister, and am doing my (small) bit, by keeping in touch, offering walks on lunch breaks, letting he know I'm here, offering to do groceries etc. My mum is obviously very concerned, however she only lives 25 mins away so it's not like she can't jump in the car if she needs to.

I get a text or call from my mum every time she is anxious or my sister has called her in tears feeling suicidal. It feels like she is implying I go round there which I can't do at 10pm every other night as my 4yo is asleep and I'm exhausted. I can't mentally deal with this, but every time it falls on me to do something about it and save the day. It's being talked about constantly and I feel like the shittest sister in the world for wanting to take a step back and just offer my support in my own way.

I hate the constant texts of 'I'm worried', 'what if she does something', 'she's just called me crying'.

I know, really funking selfish of me.

I feel like as a parent you ate duty bound for life to help your children, for as long as you have a relationship with them anyway. It's not the same as someone's sister. I can't be there 247 to just run out of the front door every time she cries, or to be expected to be a sounding board for people every time they are worried.

It is breaking me.

Going to try and get some sleep and will read any responses in the morning but thank you in advance

I’m sorry your family is going through this. You’re doing as much as you can and that’s ok. You have to look after yourself and your little ones too.

Having been in a similar position to your sister before I have to be honest.... sometimes doing enough to let them know you care (as you are doing) but not OTT is the best thing. People reacting to my every meltdown (even though they were genuine) just let me sink further into it.

When something happened that I had to deal with it largely by myself, I realised noone could save me and I'd have to sort it for myself (medication etc) - happy to say I'm now 100% better and can't believe I ever felt like that.

If it saves your guilt, I think you're doing lots but you could just let her know she can come to yours anytime she needs to but you'll still need to get on with your own stuff. A relative of mine did this because whilst she loved me dearly, she had her own busy life too. The odd time I was really bad I did take her up on the offer.... she didn't have time to talk for hours about how I was feeling which was no bad thing because when you feel like that you could ruminate for hours going in circles. But I just went up and sat on her sofa and watched TV with her etc etc. I found it comforting.

Final thing I'd say (and this is only from my experience). One family member was really there and dropped their lives for me whilst this was going on. I nearly drove her round the bend never mind myself. She rang a counsellor and they actually told her she could be doing too much and sometimes someone close to you isn't the best person to help when you're in this situation as they're too emotional... they were the ones who recommended I went to a therapist.

HTH x

I now no longer tolerate my mum dumping on me about my brother. I cut her off and say "he is an adult, he is X years old, he has the right to make his own choices, it's actually not your business what he does and I don't want to hear it any more." Pissed her off the first few times but she's getting the hang of it.

Ultimately adults do what they want, she shouldn't be trying to control your sister or you like this.

Your first priority should be your daughter, who isn't yet an adult and still relies on you to care for her.

I would push it back “if you are worried, why don’t you go over there?” And then stop replying. Everyone in this situation has choices. You have to stop trying to accommodate everyone else and let them all be responsible for theirs .

I would send a letter to both of them detailing how much you love and want to support her and don't want her to come to any harm. But being on call all day every day isn't possible for you and is/will have a negative impact on your well-being too and you need to stay strong for yourself as well as your daughter and your sister too, then say we need to both think about support net works for ds so that you have a plan when things get worse which I know they often do.

Signpost to some good support suggest you have a conversation as a three about other ideas, including calling 999 if she's about to follow through with suicide or Samaritans if she thinks she might be tempted that day. Then when she had a meltdown she'll know what to do. I would also say something like as much as you could offer 24/7 care you're not an emergency service (I'm thinking of that lady in love actually now always answering the phone day or night to her special needs brother). If this is agreed in advance you'll feel more able to follow through when it's not possible for you to help and to have some boundaries.

Another idea to offer ds and dm is a family therapy session.

They may not like the boundaries and they may call you selfish. Keep them anyway. You need them so that you and your mother know that it's not on your shoulders if your sister ever does follow through with the plan and also so that she starts to take some responsibility for using appropriate support networks.

Good luck xx

Also warm them you won't have your phone on at night time as you need to sleep to be there for your daughter but remind them of helplines etc instead x

My mum can do this about my sister with every drama she ever has. It’s absolutely draining. I would reply with ‘maybe pop over if you’re worried’ if she asks if you can, just reply and say you can’t your with dd. Just put the onus back on her every time. You have your own dd to support.

I think you need to stop reading your mother’s messages as a passive aggressive call for you to act, and more as a venting of emotions and fears to someone who also cares.

I agree with others. Some things are not within our control. It doesn’t mean that we don’t care but we have to accept our powerlessness.

You’ve already tried to signpost your sister to relevant help / services. Could you perhaps take a look ti see whether there is some online support/ counselling/ support groups for the families of those going through severe mental health challenges? I know there are such groups for those bereaved through suicidal but not sure about something similar for you. I hope there is.
if there is something out there and your mum is aware, it might feel easier for you to push back against her high expectations in you.

Tell your mum what you wrote here. It's a perfectly understandable and fair response.

There is some really good advice on this thread, I will also be taking it on board in a similar situation. Thank you all. Being a dumping ground for someone else's stress and worries can be almost as bad as whatever is causing it, and if you have both coming at you as I do it can begin to feel like you are living in a pressure cooker 😟

That should be as I do too, like you OP

OP I feel you.

I have been through this with my sister. I could have wrote your post

We were both single parents and my sister has BPD (which was undiagnosed at the time) . She would constantly self harm, often seriously, and end up in hospital. Me and her, along with our parents all lived within a ten minute radius

My parents responded to this crisis by cutting my sister out of their lives - they didn't want to fucking deal with it. ...and I have never forgiven them for this (I haven't spoken to them myself in years now). Mother was more concerned on how this would all reflect on her. Urghhh even typing this I feel furious all over again at this woman

My sister even went to visit my Mum the day before she self harmed the worst, and told my mum Goodbye and gave her some photos of her grandkids, and my mum slammed the door in her face. My sister very nearly died that night, it was only the fact that a visitor knocked on her door and when she didn't answer they looked through the window near her front door and saw her unconscious and bleeding out , that saved her - and her kids from finding her the next morning

My parents left it all on me, and I would often go round in the middle of the night, getting my child out of bed - to deal with her, and look after her three kids whilst she got medical intervention - and this went on for several years. My mum would call me VERY often for updates, like she wanted to know EVERYTHING in minute detail - but she didn't want to be involved or have to lift a finger - it wasn't long after this that I stopped speaking to Mother permanently

Your mum lives 25 minutes away? That is actually very near, she can get in the car if she actually wants to, but she's pushing this on you - you need to speak with her and tell her she needs to fuckin step up before you end up having a breakdown with the stress and pressure that is being piled on you. Your mum has a choice, she can either deal with it or not - but she is putting the onus on YOU and it isnt fair.

You and Mum should be sharing care - if you have a partner who can stay home in the evenings, go round there for a bit, and next time, it be your mums turn - that kind of thing

I do think you need to pull together as a family but you need to speak frankly with your Mum

Totally agree, have similar situation with different family member, it detrimentally affects all areas of your life

You can't do it for your sister. She has to engage with professionals.

If you consider the suicide threats to be genuine, call the emergency services. Every time.

OP, this is hard-won advice as I lost my sister many years too early, after years of similar. She too would not engage at times, but she did at least have a diagnosis, which helped a bit, but I'm not sure if yours has? You may not feel like you are a carer but you are. Please register with your gp as a carer and ask adult social care services for a carer's assessment. Tell them everything. If your sister is at risk but not engaging - she needs to be assessed too.

She needs to be linked with a professional who can make a full risk assessment on whether she is likely to follow through.

Going forwards, would it help if you committed some regular time each week to see her/help her with anything? Just take her for a coffee or something? I know it feels impossible to find the time, but if you truly think it would help.make a difference (and be firm about your availability at other times) then you may get support in making that possible, such as help with childcare costs (dont quote me on that, but worth asking if that is a barrier). Ask carer support organisations if they can give you any help or support too. I know I found that really helpful, as they were able to help me work out where my boundaries were.
Some areas specifically offer support for siblings as it's recognised siblings need support too, so have a look for that too.

It's awful. There is truly nothing worse imho than loving someone who won't accept professional help and is constantly lurching from crisis to crisis.