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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Being annoyed and setting rules

30 replies

Familyiness · 11/09/2023 22:22

For my 21 year old daughter, her bf is pretty much always here, stays for weeks on end. I'm getting annoyed with her disregarding me, ie using the shower at gone 11pm, and there not quiet. Doing his washing now to, they never stay at his, as his room is too small. Today at least one of them had a shower earlier, then tonight the 2 of them went again, 50mins in the shower. She doesn't seem to understand how much this costs. They are off on holiday tomorrow but I feel I need to have words when she gets back about not taking the Mickey with showers etc.
For further context, he is a nice enough lad, I suffer with fibromyaglia and my husband has been off sick from work since Jan, he has had an op on his knee recently and it's looking likely he won't be able to return to work, as its not getting any better, so money is an issue as it is.
She works full time from home aswell, so 2 monitors and a pc running all day too she does pay 260 permonth rent, this includes her food aswell.
Would it be unreasonable to ask that showers are kept short and to one a day per person, and to restrict how often he stays over.

OP posts:
Thewizardbinbag · 11/09/2023 22:25

Increase her rent for a start. That’s ridiculously low if it includes her food too and you two are on a limited income.

WandaWonder · 11/09/2023 22:25

Yes! You are totally reasonable, they can move out if they want to live like no else is around

Original poster
Familyiness · 11/09/2023 22:35

I want her to enjoy her younger years but I don't want to be taken for a mug either. She's always been a hard worker, I can not knock her.
My mother whom I have no contact with, was awful, my sister worked 2 jobs and my mother took an awful lot of money of her, we felt as though she only wanted us for the money.
I just don't want her to feel like that, this is her home and I don't mind him staying, it's the extended periods and the taking the mick with amenities, she knows our situation. I think her bf is a bit ocd, as he also washes his hands so much, I'm going through so much hand wash. It sounds petty but atm every penny counts.
She's had a rough time with bfs, so I'm glad she has found one who Seems to treat her right, her first abused her it took a long time for her to recover, and she still has ptsd from it.
I guess I feel like she's taken everything for granted.

OP posts:
Tothemoonandbackx · 11/09/2023 22:36

They're both adults, if he wants to stop over so much, then he can also contribute to the cost. Either that or they can find somewhere of their own. Don't forget, it's yours and your husband's home, you don't have to have him round at all if they're taking the piss.

Original poster
Familyiness · 11/09/2023 22:39

@WandaWonder her bf is autistic and has been given a bungalow, but it's been delayed so he will have his own place eventually, it's a new build. So likely they will spend most of there time there once he can actually move in. It's just in the meantime, it's causing me a lot of stress and stress causes my condition to flare up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Familyiness · 11/09/2023 22:44

@Tothemoonandbackx yes and 2 other people live here too, my son 20 who pays rent too, he has a gf and she stays a couple of days a week when he isn't working and she isn't. They are generally pretty quiet and don't take the mick with showers etc. And my youngest 17 who is autistic also, other learning disabilities and attends college 3 days a week.
I'm going to speak to her once she gets back from her holiday.

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 11/09/2023 22:47

I know about your condition (a bit) and I know that stress is not good. So you need to take care of yourself.
But equally your DD should also be looking out for you!
Her rent is way too low for what you’ve described. I don’t care what part of the country you’re in !!! But also he should maybe be contributing when he stays for long periods of time?
Good luck op

Chestnutz · 11/09/2023 22:47

Can you get her to cover the water bill as part of her contribution to the house?

Ponoka7 · 11/09/2023 22:48

It's fine to limit the amount he stays, especially considering he'll have his own place very soon. It's also fine to set rules about how late they can shower etc.

Ragwort · 11/09/2023 22:53

Why are you letting the pair of them walk all over you and take you for granted? Just stand firm, tell your DD it is not appropriate for her to invite her BF to stay ... was it ever even discussed or did she just move him in by stealth? They both sound entitled, lazy and clearly don't respect you and your DH. They can move out and get a house share if they want to play at being 'grown ups' .. not use your home. I have a 22year old and no way would I put up with that behaviour.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/09/2023 23:21

It’s very simple you increase her rent, and he also pays rent

so she pays £500 and he pays £250

Original poster
Familyiness · 11/09/2023 23:29

@Ragwort I assumed she would do the same as my son and maybe stay over a day or 2. The thing is he stayed for almost 2 weeks, went home for one day, then he was back.
I get that he doesn't have space at his but they surely don't need to spend every waking moment together for weeks at a time. I'm married and even we don't spend every single moment together.
I will let them enjoy their holiday and sit her down once she is back.

OP posts:
Webmeister999 · 12/09/2023 00:39

With all these adult children already living in the house it must seem like you are running a hotel. When do you ever get any quiet ME time? I would be having a meeting with all parties to talk about money/costs and visiting times. And laying down some ground rules.

When I was in my teens I had a BF who was around our house almost every night. My parents did not dislike him but they felt this was too much. This was because I was never invited to his house. Eventually my mother said he had to cut down his visits to no more than twice a week as it was like having an extra child in the house. We spent a lot of time walking the streets and sitting in cinemas and eventually broke up.

Scienceadvisory · 12/09/2023 00:48

Are you sure that the bf has been given a bungalow? Social housing (particularly bungalows) are nigh on impossible for single young people with no dependents to get. It also wouldn't make sense to house him in a bungalow rather than a 1 bed flat. I'm probably too cynical but I just wondered whether they are stringing you along?

yumyumscheeky · 12/09/2023 01:49

I think you're being way too lenient. When I lived at home in my 20's there was no way boyfriends were allowed to stay over. Visit, yes but not staying. At the time I thought my mum was totally unreasonable but now I totally get it.
It's your home and you don't want other people constantly staying over. Two weeks is absolutely insane!
Plus it gives you a push to move out and become more independent if there are rules are home.

Findyourneutralspace · 12/09/2023 02:10

I have a 21 year old whose partner stays frequently. I do understand both sides of this. It’s easy to say ‘when I was their age’ but the current housing market is really tough for youngsters starting out at the moment.
If you want to allow them the space to have a nice relationship it’s totally fine to set some ground rules. In addition to their rent can you have a household kitty that they pay in for things like milk, toothpaste, shower gel etc or ask them to replace things when they run out?
i have a kind of curfew with mine that when I’m in bed they have to be quiet and they are pretty good at respecting it. Late night showers can stop. Up the board and set time limits, maybe say X night is family night, or you provide a meal on Y night (I do Sunday dinner and they pretty much sort themselves out the rest of the time from their own pockets).
You need to find what works for you, as it’s not doing you any good as things are. If they are a nice young couple they will appreciate you and want to get along.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 12/09/2023 05:42

I would up her rent a little and add a $10 a night fee for her boyfriend.

Original poster
Familyiness · 16/09/2023 18:34

@Scienceadvisory Yes he has been allocated a bungalow on a supported housing plot, because of his Autism. So he can try to live independently. He is almost 25.

OP posts:
Original poster
Familyiness · 16/09/2023 18:36

Also my daughter is saving for a mortgage, which is another reason ie tried to keep her rent as low as I can.
She currently has 7grand saved up. She needs a little bit more before a mortgage is possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Familyiness · 01/10/2023 14:11

So I've had a chat with her, apparently I'm being unreasonable asking to limit the number of days he spends here. Its not all about the money, its the extra work for me, the extra bin space, extra washing, sometimes it's nice just to be us here without other people in the house.
I suggested 3/4 days a week. Which I don't think is unreasonable. I don't think she realises how much extra work one extra person is, that's extra loo roll, towels. For me it's mainly that mental pressure all the time.
I've just told her if they want to live together then they should get their own place, it shouldn't be on me to facilitate it.
His mother is taking none of the strain, I'm taking it all and I think that's unfair.

OP posts:
yumyumscheeky · 01/10/2023 16:05

I think 3/4 days is absolutely more than reasonable. It would be too much for me but if you don’t mind that’s up to you.
I think your daughter sounds a bit rude and demanding. You’ve been more than fair.
its time to put your foot down. You don’t ask her, you TELL her what works for YOU.
It’s your house, you set the rules.

Sigmama · 01/10/2023 16:08

50 min shower?

Thewizardbinbag · 01/10/2023 17:07

You daughter sounds a bit pig headed. Does she realise that she is trespassing on your goodwill at this point? Because it sounds like she thinks the place revolves around her rather than having give and take around everyone’s needs.

Original poster
Familyiness · 01/10/2023 17:14

@Sigmama yeah she was dying his hair apparently, rinsing it off.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 01/10/2023 17:15

In your shoes I'd be saying 3 nights max (if you say 3/4 you know it would be 4). And working out exactly how much she (and he) is costing you in food and bills and charging her that in rent.