AIBU to be envious of other families closeness?

[worriedandworries]

Just that really. I probably am, but I'm sad and need a rant, so whatever.

I have a huge family - 8 aunt/uncles, 30 cousins, 1 sibling on my side. And a smaller but still big family on my DH side.

However the past 10 years has gone from a close knit family to barely seeing them.

I've been trying to organise a family holiday with my parents and sibling for 2 family members big birthday so my child (and me) can have that close family unit that I grew up with but has vanished over the years. However my sibling doesn't care, and apparently we are the last priority in his life.

I know they're entitled to beleive that, and it's their life so i ABU in expecting them to want to spend time as a family when they clearly dont want to (they have a new family now with their partners family apparently).

But I look at other families who spend time together and have large Christmases/events and seethe with envy and get really sad my family don't seem to want that. Even sadder that there are super close groups within our family (which we were apart of) but since we've had our baby they've excluded us as we can no longer be at they're beck and call (we used to always visit their houses around their children's schedules etc but they arent willing to even consider our childs needs)

It feels like it's an integral part if me to be close with family, but it's not reciprocated so how do I get over it as to a) not bother than as they've made it clear it isn't a priority for them and b) so I'm not always sad and envious that we're going to be always a small household family

Even sadder that there are super close groups within our family (which we were apart of) but since we've had our baby they've excluded us as we can no longer be at they're beck and call

They don’t sound super close if they have excluded you now?

You don’t sound particularly close to your sibling so I wouldn’t expect your families to holiday together. Could you go with your parents?

I haven't voted, as it isn't unreasonable to sometimes be a bit wistful and envious of something you want, but don't have.
However not wanting to / prioritising going on holiday with parents and siblings doesn't mean you aren't part of a loving family.

I don't want to go on holiday with my sister and her family. I still love them, but I don't want to spend my holiday with them. I definitely don't want to go on holiday with my PiLs. Again - they are nice people, and we get along fine, but it would just be a different dynamic from spending holiday just with my own family. Equally, now I am past the baby stage, I really don't want to go on holiday with a baby, thanks. I've done my night waking and early morning get ups and carting all the paraphernalia around, I have now moved into a certain level of getting my life back and would not choose to spend my money and AL returning to those days.

I get what you're saying, I'm completely estranged from my family and feel a real sadness when I see other close and supportive families doing stuff together.

But you can't force these things and a relationship can't be close from just one side. It may just be that your relatives have other priorities and have moved on from the immediate family unit being the most important set of relationships in their lives. My DH has a big and close family but our own family and his friends are important too so it's a balance. And I'm assuming some of these relatives have partners? Not a chance in a million years I would go on a family holiday with my in laws, so despite DH being close with them, that sort of event wouldn't happen.

Honestly I think you need to start prioritising the other relationships in your life because that's what your family are doing.

I understand, my sibling doesn't make much effort to see me and it's hurtful. I don't really have a relationship with wider family.

Yes, I totally get it. I am so pleased for friends that have close families. Our family of 4 are very close, but a wider network would be lovely, sadly it’s not the case.

I think it's okay to feel a bit sad, but you can make your own family traditions and have that closeness with other people if you want. Family doesn't have to mean blood.

I know I need to do that, as it seems I'm asking too much of my family to book a large group holiday or even spend time together. But it devastates me that I can't and frankly leaves me rather depressed the relationship is apparently so one sided.

We have multiple sets of friends, but again they're superficial, and see you one a year 'we must do this more regularly' friends. None really have ever wanted a close friendship - because they all have super close families who fill that social void.

I love my little family of 3 and my DH is happy it being with us, but i guess I'm lonely and the joining of new activities/hobbies/mom groups/workplaces have never been successful in building close ties with friends.

Maybe I'm not very likeable lol, though I try to be caring, considerate, not too involved/intense but drop a text regularly to wish them well etc.

I need to accept I have small circles, despite me wanting larger ones. But it's hard to do that when it triggers depression and loneliness.

Do you invite any of your family over ?

Individual sibling and their family / Just your parents / one of the cousins and family / one Aunt or Uncle ?, rather than trying to get 'everyone' together at once, or to expect them to spend a week with you ?

Totally get feeling jealous
I have zero family. Mum died when I was 7, taken to live with a father I had barely met who was abusive. No brothers or sisters.
I have one nice cousin who recently made contact via facebook after not meeting for 40 years and thats it
Husband had a long affair with my supposed best friend and eventually buggered off with her.
These days I have some good friends but my family is my cat

It’s not unreasonable to feel sad. However it’s not something you can do much about. I think all you can do is try to shift to a more positive outlook(I know that’s easier said than done). Focus on people who do put time in to you and be proactive in arranging things with people who are responsive.

I am also from a large extended family but am only close to a couple of them, even then we don’t see each other much because they’re so busy with others things. I do think it partly naturally for families to drift as children get older and life gets busier.

I wouldn’t force a holiday too much. That’s likely to be worse than not doing it!

We were a big close family but my granny was the central point with family events at her house. Now, years on, family have grown and spread across the world so Christmas is now just dh, me, dc and my parents. Gone are the days of 15 of us round the table that I loved. Db is across the world. Dc live Christmas but I can’t make it like it was when I was young with aunts and uncles and cousins all round. I have 14 cousins, my dc have 2.

I totally understand how you feel Op. I feel very envious when friends holiday with their parents and children or meet up with their siblings and their children. I’ve never had any of that and not for the lack of trying. Advice is often to stop putting in so much effort because you can’t force it, which is very true. But to stop making the effort is also sad/hard because it is accepting that the closeness and time together will never happen. I don’t know what the answer is Op but I do feel you!