Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect 10 year old to listen to advice?

76 replies

Toohotformetoday · 11/09/2023 15:02

DS (10) had 11+ today. It has been a hard slog to get him here.

No idea how he got on, but I spent today feeling sad for him.

He refuses to listen to any advice about exam technique, and am sure that he didn’t do well because he didn’t follow instructions. He won’t self reflect though- always says he did fine, but never discusses the exam, so you can’t discuss any difficulties he had. ( he did the same thing in the mocks)

Am I expecting too much?

Any tips on how to get through to him?

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 11/09/2023 15:12

It sounds like he doesn't want to discuss it because he's sick to death of it all, to be honest. You say it's been a hard slog and that he doesn't want to listen to advice about exam technique etc, so he probably feels fed up and under pressure and doesn't want to be lectured on exam technique or go through a debrief post-exam because he is ten years old and just wants to relax and be a kid.

Anyway - he's done the exam now, so what will you, or your son, gain from fretting about how he's done? Stop questioning him about it and wait and see what his results are. I'm feeling stressed on his behalf just thinking about it.

disappearingfish · 11/09/2023 15:13

He sounds like a normal 10 year old boy.

NyanBinaryJohn · 11/09/2023 15:14

and am sure that he didn’t do well because he didn’t follow instructions

Wow.

Maybe try encouraging your child instead of forcing him. Being forced to read for my A level (and being told my selection was not good enough) put me off reading. Being forced to go to church put me off religion.

BoohooWoohoo · 11/09/2023 15:14

How much does he want to go to this school?

If he doesn't pass, is the alternative any good?

What school is his friends going to?

Is he at a prep where most people do exams like 11+ and 13+ Or at a state where most people will go to a comp ?

Precipice · 11/09/2023 15:16

What would be the point of him discussing the exam with you? He's written it now.

I always found it annoying and not useful to have people ask me about exams after I'd sat them. It's useful to go over mocks and see what you did wrong and where you should improve/to make you understand what you failed to understand or do correctly. I see no use in going over the exam once sat.

Piony · 11/09/2023 15:19

He's jumped through the hoop for you. Maybe not to your satisfaction, but he's done it. Leave it alone now. Take him out for ice cream or something.

Carlessly · 11/09/2023 15:22

He refuses to listen to any advice about exam technique,
Firstly, he's 10!
Secondly, the time to discuss this was not this morning or yesterday right before the exam but 6 months ago.

There is literally no point "discussing the exam" nothing you do now will change the marks. It's written, he'll get what he will get. Maybe once you know the results there might be a point discussing it if he is disappointed with his marks.

Anything else and you risk putting him off studying for life. It's very damaging to know you can never be good enough or try hard enough for your parents' ideals.

Bruisername · 11/09/2023 15:24

Discussing exams after they have been written is pointless and will just lead to anxiety.

my dh wanted to discuss gcse with ds but I told ds that if he wanted to discuss it he could but otherwise we would forget it and focus on the next - after the last we just focussed on having a good summer.

there’s nothing worse than someone saying ‘oh you should have said this’ or sucking their teeth when you tell them what you put

having had 2 go through 11+ his behaviour seems entirely normal.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/09/2023 15:26

He is 10, YABVU.

BasicPumpkinSpice · 11/09/2023 15:28

Adults don't listen to advice and you expect a 10 year old to take advice on board?

So being so hard on him

ell87 · 11/09/2023 15:28

He's 10 he's done it, are you happy now?

Cloudsandyoghurts · 11/09/2023 15:30

The exam is over, let him be, let him relax and have fun, you say yourself is been a long hard slog, dont pester him it makes zero difference now.

Chestnutz · 11/09/2023 15:30

I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to discuss it with you.

User23452 · 11/09/2023 15:31

My dd was the same at 10, they need practice, it’s expecting a lot for age 10.

StarBloo · 11/09/2023 15:32

You are probably expecting too much of a 10 year old.

twistyizzy · 11/09/2023 15:33

This is the problem with the 11+ nowadays. It shouldnt be a slog for a child to get there and if it is then honestly they aren't grammar school material and could face issues if he gets in.
There is no point stressing about it now, cut him some slack and make it clear you are proud of him no matter whether he passes or not. Then let him relax and enjoy school for the rest of the year!

ethelredonagoodday · 11/09/2023 15:40

My 10 year old has his head in the clouds 95% of the time. As others have said, I think your expectations are possibly a bit high, and also, there's no point raking over the exam once it's done!

Magenta82 · 11/09/2023 15:41

YABVU! The exam is over, so there is no point in talking about it now, what difference do you think it will make.

He is 10, he has just sat an exam that he obviously felt a lot of pressure to do well in and now it is over you need to let him forget about it and do normal 10 year old things.

As PP said if it really was a hard slog then you probably shouldn't have put him in for it in the first place.

PuttingDownRoots · 11/09/2023 15:51

10yos should be out climbing trees and doing clubs etc not worrying about exam technique.

Is that his last exam? Just forget about it now... it can't be changed.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 11/09/2023 15:58

Just leave him be now.

Dinojump · 11/09/2023 16:00

Sounds like you have already made up your mind that he's going to fail.

NoMor · 11/09/2023 16:02

Do you remember that girl whose pushy parents got her into either Oxford or Cambridge at the age of 11? She doesn't speak to them anymore or use her degree, she became a sex worker instead to piss them off. The more you push the bigger they rebel.

jannier · 11/09/2023 16:06

Toohotformetoday · 11/09/2023 15:02

DS (10) had 11+ today. It has been a hard slog to get him here.

No idea how he got on, but I spent today feeling sad for him.

He refuses to listen to any advice about exam technique, and am sure that he didn’t do well because he didn’t follow instructions. He won’t self reflect though- always says he did fine, but never discusses the exam, so you can’t discuss any difficulties he had. ( he did the same thing in the mocks)

Am I expecting too much?

Any tips on how to get through to him?

He's sat the test let him forget it and wait and see he's only 10 he doesn't need the stress

jannier · 11/09/2023 16:08

twistyizzy · 11/09/2023 15:33

This is the problem with the 11+ nowadays. It shouldnt be a slog for a child to get there and if it is then honestly they aren't grammar school material and could face issues if he gets in.
There is no point stressing about it now, cut him some slack and make it clear you are proud of him no matter whether he passes or not. Then let him relax and enjoy school for the rest of the year!

Totally if it's that hard getting through school life will be a misery. If they can do it brilliant if not it makes no difference they can still go to uni

cuckyplunt · 11/09/2023 16:09

Can you imagine how perfect the human race would be if every generation took advice from the one before?