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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my family member was really out of order?

13 replies

JustATiredNurse · 11/09/2023 15:00

I have a family member who shares a child with her ex. Said ex and my family member have been separated for a number of years and their child is now 9. Her ex has been with another lady now for about 5 years. This new partner has always seemed nice on the odd times ive met her and their child loves her ect however my family member doesn't like her although she can't articulate why and is often moaning at pretty much everything she and her ex does.

Anyway, it transpires that the exes new partner has lost a baby and she posted sharing the news on her social media, I'm not one to share private things personally but each to their own, where she explained that she'd been in and out of hospital so apologised for not responding to people and explained how terribly it had affected her mental health and so on. Until this no one was aware she was expecting.

My family member has been sent a screenshot of this by someone and has gone mad and sent messages to both her ex and the new partner saying how awful it was of them both not to tell her and lots of other things, basically made the whole thing about herself. She has sent screenshots of these on our family group chat.

Long rant short I basically told her how out of order she was, that her exes new partners pregnancy loss wasn't actually any of her business and she should apologise. We now aren't speaking. Admittedly I have suffered my own pregnancy loss and it did trigger me a bit (me and her don't always have the best of relationship anyway either).

Was I being unreasonable to call her out? My mum just wants me to apologise to stop the falling out, I don't think I need to.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 11/09/2023 15:02

No, you weren’t, your relative has behaved appallingly knowing this was a loss. Utterly awful

Gazelda · 11/09/2023 15:05

I presume it's your sister. If a sister can't tell their sibling that they've been selfish and out of order, then who can?

You most certainly weren't being unreasonable. She was. She's got a lot of growing up to do and jealousy to get over.

Hopefully she'll take on board what you've said and apologise to her ex and his partner. And mind her own business in the future.

As to how you smooth this over for your mum's sake, I'd just continue as if it hadn't happened. You've said your piece, you've no need to apologise. It's up to her if she's going to sulk.

Createausername1970 · 11/09/2023 15:08

It has nothing to do with your family member and her behaviour is out of order.

If I were in the same situation I would send a nice card to the ex's new partner to say sorry for their loss and having been through the same, I would be happy to chat if she wants.

She probably won't want to chat, but it will put clear distance between you and the awful behaviour of your family member.

JustATiredNurse · 11/09/2023 15:11

Janieforever · 11/09/2023 15:02

No, you weren’t, your relative has behaved appallingly knowing this was a loss. Utterly awful

Yes I was actually embarrassed!! It's just a step way too far imo.

OP posts:
JustATiredNurse · 11/09/2023 15:13

Createausername1970 · 11/09/2023 15:08

It has nothing to do with your family member and her behaviour is out of order.

If I were in the same situation I would send a nice card to the ex's new partner to say sorry for their loss and having been through the same, I would be happy to chat if she wants.

She probably won't want to chat, but it will put clear distance between you and the awful behaviour of your family member.

It's a nice thought but I'm not sure. My family member was sent a screenshot of the new partners private social media - clearly by a busy body!! So I don't want them to think we've all been talking about it as by all accounts I shouldn't even know (I don't have the new partner on social media).

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 11/09/2023 15:14

Your family member has behaved like a total cunt. Unforgiveable behaviour.

Createausername1970 · 11/09/2023 15:44

JustATiredNurse · 11/09/2023 15:13

It's a nice thought but I'm not sure. My family member was sent a screenshot of the new partners private social media - clearly by a busy body!! So I don't want them to think we've all been talking about it as by all accounts I shouldn't even know (I don't have the new partner on social media).

Ah, yes, I see what you mean. Best stay right out of it then. But your family member is definitely in the wrong.

GentrifiedLDN · 11/09/2023 16:07

It feels to me that you have waded in on an argument, that was not yours to have - it is for Ex and the new partner to 'call her out'

We can choose to pick our battles, and the relationship between your family member and their ex and new partner isn't your concern

That being said, it is unpleasant behavior's, but again, not your concern

LemonCake37 · 11/09/2023 16:21

No you weren’t, people turn a blind eye and say ‘not my circus’ far too often. Bad behaviour should be called out, especially when the person it’s directed at is in a vulnerable place

SoIinvictus · 11/09/2023 16:23

ManateeFair · 11/09/2023 15:14

Your family member has behaved like a total cunt. Unforgiveable behaviour.

This.

Janieforever · 11/09/2023 16:48

GentrifiedLDN · 11/09/2023 16:07

It feels to me that you have waded in on an argument, that was not yours to have - it is for Ex and the new partner to 'call her out'

We can choose to pick our battles, and the relationship between your family member and their ex and new partner isn't your concern

That being said, it is unpleasant behavior's, but again, not your concern

That’s an unusual take to have. However, I’ve a friend who takes this view. She turns away when she sees something like this and looks the other way. It’s not her concern.

you know what they say, “the only way for evil to triumph is for good men to say nothing”. I don’t believe if we see terrible behaviour we should look away.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 11/09/2023 16:49

Sorry for your pregnancy loss.

Your family member has behaved appallingly. Nothing to do with her. Whoever sent her the screenshots is just as bad tbh. They would have known they were causing drama. You made your feelings about her behaviour clear to her. That's not getting involved that's just giving her your opinion on her shitty carry on. You have no need to apologise, tell your mother your family member just needs to get over themselves and you're not engaging any further about it.

JustATiredNurse · 11/09/2023 17:51

GentrifiedLDN · 11/09/2023 16:07

It feels to me that you have waded in on an argument, that was not yours to have - it is for Ex and the new partner to 'call her out'

We can choose to pick our battles, and the relationship between your family member and their ex and new partner isn't your concern

That being said, it is unpleasant behavior's, but again, not your concern

Well then she shouldn't be sharing it on our group chat if she doesn't want our opinions surely? She'd have no problem if we all agreed with her and slagged them off.

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