Just don't know if IABU or not

[Gettingbysomehow]

It turns out my mother has lied to me about my parentage for 60 years, bare faced lies. I can't really go into detail as it's outing but think Ancestry DNA and finding out her story is not in any way true and she just made it all up.
For no obvious reason.
She doesn't know I know yet but I'm thinking of ending our relationship because of this.
We aren't close and I find her hard going.
I wonder what other lies she has told me and everyone else and any trust there was has gone.
Would you end a relationship because of this?
She has always been super critical of me and my lifestyle which is alternative yet it seems it's ok for her to perpetuate a huge untruth for so many years.
I feel really let down.

Is this a situation where you’ve been lied to about who your biological father was? Or a situation where you’ve learnt that you’re actually adopted?

Same question as previous poster? Is this to do with your father or adoption?

Talking it through with a counsellor may be helpful. Making decisions like cutting her off in the midst of a lot of feelings may not be the best option for you and just leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

That said, you're not close and you say she's critical. Possibly counselling could help you understand why the relationship is the way it is, or it could help you process before making a clean break and moving on.

I think you'd have to share a few more details for anyone to really give a valued opinion. Is it that you're adopted and never knew? Or parentage isn't what she's always told you? People lie for all sorts of reasons, babies being a product of rape etc and not wanting to tell them. I think I'd hear her out first, depending on what you've found out.

Yes this. Lied about my biological father.

So you've found out the person you thought was your dad actually isn't? Do you know who your biological dad is now or is that still unknown?

I would give her the chance to explain what's happened before cutting her off. Like I said, product of rape, being an unmarried mother (depending on your age) could have been absolutely devastating for everyone and maybe someone else stepped up and raised you as their own. Or maybe your mum just cheated on the person you thought was your dad, who knows. But try not to make a permanent decision on what might be temporary feelings, at least not until you know why.

Invented someone, it's a right fairy tale. Won't talk to me about it, won't discuss it, says she is giving her a breakdown discussing it.

I've met the brother I never knew I had. My biological father is dead, it was too late to meet him.
I thought about rape so maybe but I don't know. She won't discuss it. She does know the truth has always been important to me however bad. I'd rather she'd told me she didn't know who my father was rather than make up the ridiculous story that she did.
It has serious health implications for me. There is a 50% chance I could have inherited the family disease on his side and I'd not have had a child if I'd known.

Having a breakdown is always her get out of jail free card, if she is asked to do anything she doesn't want to that's what she says. I'm sick of it.

I would imagine that whatever happened to her re your conception is too hard for her to think about / talk about. I don't think you should cut her off.
You sound very critical and angry, perhaps rightly so or perhaps you need to find out the whole story budgie before judging.

Put yourself in her shoes... why would you lie about something like that unless it was traumatic?

So YABU to not speak to her ever again over this. If she doesn't want to talk about it, then perhaps she has her reasons, as it's not the sort of thing you'd lie about just for the sake of it.

Her being supercritical of your lifestyle is something completely different, and if you don't get on then fair enough cut her off.

My grandfather was very secretive man and was cagey and refused to discuss many things. When he died recently, we found out a LOT about him which explained so many things and why he didn't want to discuss them.

I would be tempted to say give her a chance to hear you out and explain as 60+ years ago I think she would have been given very different advice to now.
The family disease - I'm imagining it's something like huntingtons- do you think she knew that the real father had it? That's more dangerous and cruel deception if so.

I'd confront her to try and get more info

Its Huntingdon's chorea. There is no way I'd inflict that on any child of mine and now here we are.
She has form for lying to escape anything difficult in her life.
And those who think I'm very critical and angry yes I bloody well am, I had an appalling childhood and was very badly neglected and often beaten and now I have to tell my child he needs to be tested for this awful disease.
She on the other hand wants to brush the last 60 years under the carpet because she "can't cope".
She has an easy life, has never worked and is cossetted by my step father.

Other than Huntingtons these are all separate issues to the paternity though, if they're a big enough problem for you to go NC then that's entirely your prerogative and I don't think anyone would blame you.

You don't have to make a decision about whether to cut her out or not.

I decided about 10 years ago that on one particular day, I didn't want to speak to my dad. All the abuse seemed to be at the forefront of my mind, and right there and then, I couldn't bring myself to speak to him. I re-make the decision every day, for that day. My mind hasn't changed yet. I will speak to him again on the day I wake up and think 'Ooh, I feel like speaking to my dad.' I don't imagine that day will ever come, but I'm open to it. According to my brother, my dad says I'm 'set in my ways'. He doesn't understand that I'm absolutely open to having a relationship with him, just as soon as I feel ready, but that his actions carry an emotional time-penalty that will likely be longer than both of our lives.

Don't pressure yourself. If you don't want to speak to her, don't. That's it.

This all sounds awful, and I'm sorry you had such a tough childhood. But, I think you're conflating the two things; 1) your mum lied about your parentage - maybe she had a good reason / maybe she never knew 2) the way she treats you (both then and now). Of course you can go NC, but really the issue isn't just her lying about your father, it seems a lot more complicated than that.
Take care of yourself

I can absolutely see why you're upset. That's a huge lie with massive implications for you and it's put you in an awful position. I'd it hard to forgive someone for that.

As others have said, there's a chance that your mother didn't tell you the truth because there's something about the circumstances of the conception that she finds traumatic, but unless she tells you, how would you possibly know and therefore how can you be sympathetic? And if she does ever spill the beans on what happened, how would you be able to trust her account after she lied to you for decades? I mean... SIXTY YEARS? That's a hell of a lie, isn't it? You must feel completely blindsided by this.

I also think the fact that your mother is a difficult woman, who isn't kind to you and criticises you and your lifestyle, exacerbates the whole situation. It's easier to forgive someone for something that's a one-off, knowing that the circumstances must have been truly exceptional for them to have done it, than it is to forgive someone who has consistently been difficult/unpleasant/negative towards you.

Only you know how you truly feel, and only you can decide if you want to continue a relationship with your mother, but if that decision was to cut off contact with her, you would not be unreasonable.

All the best, OP, and I hope things go OK for your son re. any tests he needs.

Also, why do you think you have to be 'reasonable'? Who sets the standards for what 'reasonable' means, to you? If 100 people here say you are being unreasonable, and 100 say you're being reasonable, what will that change, for you? If we all tell you you're being unreasonable, will that convince you to keep someone in your life that you don't want there?

This isn't about being reasonable. This is about life-design: Choose your people well.

Wrt the Huntingtons, you could be tested yourself, and if it was negative you wouldn't need to tell your child if you didn't want to?

Sorry you're having to deal with this

YANBU to want to cut your mother out of your life, it doesn't sound like you have anything resembling a positive relationship and she doesn't sound receptive to trying to work through that together so you could have one.

If you're in your 60s you'll know that how women were treated then if pregnant out of wedlock, or in wedlock but raped by another man (remembering rape was seen differently too - saying "No" was just a 'challenge') was nothing short of abuse thinly disguised as 'morals'. But she still had a choice about how she treated you, no matter how you were conceived.

It sounds like your mother doesn't seem capable of facing up to the reality of how you were conceived and has treated you badly for it ever since - but it truly doesn't sound like she wants to be a good mother to you. For that reason, personally I'd cut contact and see about specialist counselling to help you deal with the can of worms that's just opened in your life.