To have had a little cry over a fucking plant at work?

[QuestionableMouse]

I work as a housekeeper for a lady who lives alone. She had a birthday about six months ago as was given a gorgeous large aloe plant as well as a lily plant.

She over watered both of them to the point the lily had water coming from it's leaves and it has since died. The aloe was so wet for so long it started to rot - she had a short period in hospital for a routine op and I repotted the aloe, managing to save it!

She's been back home for a month now and the aloe is drowning again - I literally came in the morning and tipped water out of the pot! I've potted it in dry compost but the roots aren't looking too good.

What's upsetting me is that she's blaming me for watering them too much when it's genuinely not me! I have a house full of plants that are thriving (as was her aloe while she was away). It has to be her or someone who visits the house but it honestly 100% isn't me! And she just won't believe me!

I've had a pretty rough couple of weeks with various things, including finding out that my dad has been referred for a cancer check, and to be honest it all got on top of me this morning so I ended up having a little cry - it's totally not like me but not being believed is a trigger for me.

Sorry, not really sure why I'm posting this but just needed to vent!

Can you put a sign on it? Please don't water me!

Aah no I’d be exactly the same about it.
Hope everything is ok with your dad ❤️

I've rescued plants before and it is so annoying when someone else does this and to be accused of something you haven't done is so irritating.
Does anyone else visit that you know of or is it a case she's done it but doesn't want to admit to it so blames you?
What is she like generally?

For you and your dad, hope it works out, 💐- didn't want to add this into original reply, a bit awkward 😊

You are not being unreasonable. I got deeply upset when I couldn't get into my office during COVID and my lovely fig tree plant died. Still getting over that one years later!

I'd be mostly upset that she doesn't believe you!

Get her one of these?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Westland-Water-Plant-Watering-Indicator/dp/B0777WV9VJ/ref=asc_df_B0777WV9VJ/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=265252967722&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6937419698361528815&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046418&hvtargid=pla-541107056370&th=1

Thank you!

Yes, it is absolutely that she's not believing me that's really upsetting me. I hate not being believed, even over something as trivial as this!

She is in her mid 70s but had an assessment in hospital that didn't find any memory problems or signs of dementia. I do genuinely think she's doing it herself and forgetting so it might need revisiting. Probably not helped by the fact she's on strong painkillers.

I’m not surprised you’re upset about her saying you must be doing it. Strong painkillers and her age makes me think she is forgetting she’s done it. Cognitive decline actually has to be quite bad before it shows up on tests, and someone who is clever and in denial can mask it for a LONG time in front of professionals. My mum was a genius at it. You had to be living in the house with her to see the signs. She was also terrible for then blaming other people - including her carers - for her own mistakes. It was kind of a defence mechanism. If it wasn’t them doing it, she’d have to have admitted she had a problem.

My advice is approach this as if it is early stage dementia. Do not to argue with her but just do what you can to save the plant . Arguing “facts” with her or doing the whole “can’t you remember” dance won’t help. No, she can’t remember. She may also be starting to struggle with logical reasoning.

Good luck

There's nothing more frustrating than being accused of doing something you haven't.

My mum also does it too which is why I'm so sensitive to it! I've ordered one of those watering indicators which should hopefully help.

Happened again today - she was very confused when I went in so I rang the GP. They sent a nurse out and she told the nurse I'd thrown her medication out.

I haven't - someone has thrown the box away but her meds are still in the cupboard. I feel awful because I got a bit short with her but I didn't want the nurse to think I'm doing stuff like that!

She has a UTI so I feel horrible for being short but her accusing me of stuff is really making me feel bad. 😭😞

How the hell do I prove it's not me doing these things? She has friends, family and carers in and out of the house all day and I'm only in for a few hours but she instantly blames me. Even though she paid me back for something from the shops, gave me too much and I instantly gave it back. I could have walked away with the £10 but I'm not a theif so handed it straight back! Maybe I should buy a body cam 😕

The UTi will have increased her confusion but it does sound like early dementia. My mum 'picked on' one person to blame for everything that went wrong/missing and I expect that's quite common. Once a wrong idea is in their heads it sometimes becomes fixed.

I agree with PP, it sounds like emotional lability

Honestly she's seen loads of doctors, nurses, other specialists and none of them seem worried about dementia. I will mention it to the nurse tomorrow though.

I really like this job but all the medical stuff is wearing me down. I'm not trained to do carer type jobs but that's what it seems to be morphing into and I'm honestly not sure how to course correct it ☹️ I think I need to talk to her family but I'm not sure where to start - all I did today was made medical calls, got her prescription sorted and made her cups of tea. I genuinely don't mind doing stuff like tea and making her breakfast but it's a bloody big house, I'm only in for a few hours per day and the house keeping side is really starting to slip and I'm frustrated because I feel like it reflects badly on me.

I agree

GP is here now doing a memory assessment.

OP, speak up for yourself.

You are being used by her family.

If you are there to do some daily housework, then carer/pa duties are not a part of that.

Spell it out to the family that it needs to be addressed.

Also mention that she is making accusations to you and you want to protect your good name.

You are being far too passive about this.

I get where you are coming from OP.
I gave my ex boyfriend instructions on how to water my plants when I went away for a week. He forgot, and then dumped pretty much a week's worth of water into them the day before I was due back, killing them all. Pretty heartbreaking when you have looked after something.

Totally agree with this. You are on the way to being a carer for this lady and making the lives you of her family much easier, at the expense of your own.

It would not hurt you to check and see what housekeeper roles are available, more in keeping with how your job used to be, so you can review your options rather than end up in a position which doesn't work for you. 🌹

Yes, I've come across that too. Often one person is the one they blame for absolutely no reason. Horrible for the one they are pointing the finger at but, once they have that notion, it can be impossible to change.

Oh don't worry, I have a plan to speak to her eldest daughter on Monday because I can't keep going on like this. It is really stressing me out and I don't need it. I have some feelers out for other jobs but housekeepers aren't in massive demand in my area. (Honestly I should sack it off and get a job using the two frigging degrees that cost me a fortune but eh, I like the what I do!)

Unfortunately the GP today decided she needed to be in hospital so she called an ambulance and Jill (not real name!) was taken into the assessment unit this afternoon. She was even more confused and only scored ten out of 28 on the memory test. :( The GP also seemed quite concerned that she was taking too much of her strong painkillers which isn't a good thing. So they're not sure if she has an infection brewing or if she's been essentially overdosing herself which is causing problems!

Thank you for letting me vent!