Do friendships eb and flow?

[Feelinglost30]

Re-posting here for traffic

My best friend of 12 years has become quite distant with me recently. Is it true that friendships eb and flow? We have gone from voice noting every few days and meeting up when we can to just exchanging a couple of messages once a week, but recently it’s been me reaching out first and I’ll be the one that gets left on read when the conversation ends. This is very recent over the past 1-2 months. I’ve checked in that everything is going ok for her and she has said it’s fine. I can’t think of anything I would have said or done that would make her want to distance.

Shes recently moved in with her long term boyfriend, prior to that they were very on and off. I’ve also got my own relationship (not living together yet) so a lot of my free time is spent with him but reaching out to friends is still important for me. We are both in our 30s. My mental health is also not great at the moment, this isn’t helping but there are other separate things going on too, so I’m feeling very down , currently awaiting therapy and DP is very supportive.

I’m just wondering if this is normal with friendships? Has anyone else been in similar situation and how did you manage it?

Must be something to do with the boyfriend.

I know it hurts but give her space and more importantly give yourself time to recalibrate. When the rhythm of communication changes it can feel stark so allow yourself to feel how you feel. Good idea to seek therapy and perhaps give more attention to other friendships.

Definitely. I'm going through a similar ebb with a friend of 13 years. This is entirely because of her depression and shutting herself away.

I've had ebbs and flows with another friend of 20 years. We've been having a 'flow' for about 5 years but it could change again!

It's definitely better to let the ebbs come and go.

3 very different possible reasons for sudden disconnect

• mental health crisis (shutting down emotionally)
• (most likely) - change in life / they have something else filling all their social needs/attention
• (unlikely but can happen) they don't like you/are annoyed at you in passive aggressive way

Friendships do ebb and flow but when it's a close friendship it can really ache emotionally and hard not to feel onslaught of bitterness when one side is shifting attentiveness/moving on and the other isn't ready, even if nothing personal. I've been on both sides of it, and I know only too well that...confronting and being mad about it doesn't work in cases 1-2 and patience* does wonders. So don't completely write off friendships.

*by patience I mean - don't chase relentlessly but check in now and then monthly/wish birthday once a year. Ok to grieve and then let go, shift attention to different things.

Sounds normal to me OP. As people move in with partners, have children, progress in their careers, etc, they will usually have less time for friends than in their 20s. The real sign of a close friendship isn't that you talk to each other every day or every week, but that you know that it doesn't matter that you don't, because when you do get together you can discuss the important stuff, enjoy each other's company, and that the friendship is strong enough to survive not seeing each other for ages.

I live on the other side of the world from all my school friends. Maybe we message once or twice a year. But whenever we are back home it's wonderful to see them because we "get" each other.

Yeah I get that and I do think it might be helpful to take some time for myself and focus on other stuff. I was going to reach out again and ask to go for a coffee soon, should I still do this or would it be better to leave it and let her come to me?

Of course, all marriages, all friendships, all relationships.