To feel conflicted about a second child?

[PeggyPiglet]

After having my DD (now almost 4), I was pretty set on not having any more. I found pregnancy and the baby stage hard. I had a lot of anxiety. Still do, and still find parenting hard.

I've always felt very goal orientated and I find the day to day grind difficult. I always have to have something else, a passion, something to work towards.

However recently I can't shake the feeling of guilt of not giving my child a sibling. I feel bad for her. She's a perfectly happy 3 year old but it makes be a bit sad she won't have anyone other than us. Yes she has cousins, but we're not massively close to my brothers so we don't see them often. We have plenty of friends with children and I'm sure she'll meet plenty of other kids along the way but we live in a very rural village and local schools are all driving distance so it might be a bit lonely for her.

Do I actually want a second? I don't think so. Well I don't know. I just feel conflicted. I really don't want to go through pregnancy again. Even just that puts me off completely. I didn't enjoy it. I know it's temporary but I just can't be bothered with it at all.

If I did go for another I'd end up having to give up my passion. It's something that I can't do whilst pregnant, and won't be able to do while juggling two children. I also can't really work on my career either.

I just can't seem to shake the feeling of jealousy when I see other people with 2-3 children and their kids playing together.
I feel selfish. That I'm choosing to stick at one so I can have a life again, go on nice holidays and achieve my personal goals.

I'm not really sure what I want from posting this. Maybe just some advice really to help sort out these feelings and give my head a bit of a shake, I don't know!

Don’t have a second child just because you feel guilty for her. She’s much better off with a happy you instead. One DD here and I would not have it any other way.

Don't have another

I'm an only. I was a super happy only child. Loved my quiet house, my own space. Parents were super interactive and took me to loads of interesting places.

Don't do it for your DC to have siblings, they might not even like each other.

I’m the eldest with two brothers, we see each other at Christmas, I’d have been perfectly happy as an only child.

I haven't seen or spoken to my 3 years older brother since our Dad's funeral in December. I've had several periods of years and years going by without speaking to him.

Only have another child if YOU desperately want one.

I wish I’d been an only child! I have nothing to do with my sibling as an adult, he made my entire childhood awful. Having another child so your current one has a sibling can really backfire if they don’t get on.
Only have a second child if you really want one, and it sounds as though you are pretty sure you don’t!
There is nothing to feel guilty about.
Concentrate on giving your daughter a lovely life.

DD is a very happy only. I do think that a sibling might have been helpful during lockdown (we didn't foresee that one), but she reckons not.

There are all sorts of advantages to just having one - you can do all sorts of things with them that you couldn't do with two, because it's much easier to change plan if you've only got to keep one child content. For instance, in a museum, you can linger on the bits they're interested in and skip the others, whereas with two, that will often be different bits for each child. With two, you have to factor in paying for both kids to do things - it's a lot easier to decide about the ski trip/music lessons/horse-riding if you don't have to make sure you'll be able to pay for the younger one to go a few years later.

Your daughter is still young. You might change your mind. But we deal with the cards we are given. I fortunately have a good relationship with my sibling as an adult but as a young child I really struggled from being an only child to having someone else there. Every child is different.

Do not feel guilty about not giving her a sibling. Often only children (like my daughter) learn how to build relationships fast and have friendships that substitute what a sibling would do.

I barely see my brother. He's not interested in us and I've lived in the shadow of him being the favourite child who got all the attention and opportunities my entire life, and wonder what my life would have been if I'd been an only.

Honestly, do whatever works for you, though. I have two and sometimes I'm glad because they seem to create a balance and have someone to play with. Sometimes I am a bit jealous of SIL who has only one. No arguing, and can afford the best school, doesn't have to juggle cost and time of multiple activities, and now they travel twice a year. They're a tight unit and it just seems easier.

You know yourself OP there are pros and cons.

I also have close to no relationship with my only sibling. However most people I know have a positive relationship with siblings. I have two and it’s something I really hope they have when they grow up.

i think it’s easy to romanticise what you don’t have. I am not close to my siblings, but they are ok. I think my childhood would have been maybe a bit better as an only, but no way of telling.

My own children have very different temperaments and don’t fit together, though they do generally get on. I knew someone whose kids hated each other and she spent the ir entire childhood as a referee, which she found incredibly hard.

don’t have a second unless you really want one.

I'm currently pregnant and hating it - and I definitely want a second so they can have a sibling.

I'm very motivated as I'm an only child and it has made me miserable - I want to give them what I never had but bloody hell, I don't want to do it twice either so I totally understand your dilemma