To think loads of us suffer from people pleasing ?

[strungy]

Just watching The Fast Show and I completely admit I'm exactly like Dave - the character played by Paul Whitehouse - backs down to agree with everyone .

Seriously though - I know I'm a chronic people pleaser - why are so many of us like this?

I wouldnt see it as a fault as such. Its human nature to try to avoid conflict and make links/make relationships work/de escalate situations because we are social animals.

Look at most animals in the wild, they will work to avoid conflict, when they 'fight' a lot of it is posturing and one backs down. It has to be that way or constant conflict would be dangerous/disadvantageous at an individual level and then at a social/group level because if they all killed each other off they'd die out

Like us

So its inbuilt in us to please others and smooth the wheels around us. You're normal!

It becomes difficult if it starts to disable you and impact on you having your needs met in any way though, thats when the trouble starts.

Ah thanks that's very insightful!

It's a personality disorder

I am a people pleaser , but it definitely has improved with age. What I don't like is strangers on the internet advising ordering you to do something that is so out of character for you, without any real context. I understand the temptation, but it's like being told to stop being shy when you are a child - you get there in your own time.

I am most defo not a people pleaser (I score fairly high as a narcissist). However I can't be arsed with conflict. So that's not a people pleaser behaviour. I give a "smile and nod" response if I disagree, rather than counter argue beabuse I know I'm right, so no point arguing

I think birth order is a part of it, eldest children often the most people pleasing - myself being one of them. So annoying and agree with PP that it’s not as simple as just suddenly ‘putting yourself first’ because life is rarely that simple

Women are much more likely to be people pleasers because they are socialised to believe its their "job" to keep men happy and generally keep everything ticking over. An awful lot of women grow up believing they can't say no to anyone.

I think thats a huge stereotype, I can say that in my own family the men are awful at not having honest conversations or doing something because in some skewed way they have misunderstood how to say no, or not do something

And every second thread on here is a wife or girlfriend having to sort out some shit becuase the bumbling male partner has agreed to something to keep the peace and made stupid plans. Or made no plans at all sort of thing

I might piss you off with more stereotyping in regards to your last point about why that would occur - all the men I have lived with (5) didn't give a shit about the state of the place when inviting friends or family over, but I would need a good days notice to clean myself and the place up.
I know I'm not the only one.

However I can't be arsed with conflict. So that's not a people pleaser behaviour. I give a "smile and nod" response if I disagree, rather than counter argue because I know I'm right, so no point arguing

Same. I’m happy to let the other person think I agree but it’s more because I can’t be arsed to argue.

@bellac11

It may be a stereotype but a lot of stereotypes are grounded in a germ of truth.

It’s obviously not correct that it’s only women who are people pleasers. A lot of men do it too.

But I think the impetus is quite different. Women have historically depended on being “pleasant” for their financial wellbeing. They have had to remain pleasing to their husbands in order for their husbands to support them. That’s probably less true today but there are still a lot of invocations to young girls to be “nice” and “kind” above all else, which is a social hangover.

A lot of men like a quiet life and can’t be bothered standing up to people because they don’t want the drama but it’s a different motive. It’s less about ingratiating yourself and more about inertia and laziness.

I've been reading a lot about this topic, yes many people especially women get socialised not to state their needs and to try to smooth things over.

It can be a useful skill at times but also a real barrier to enjoying life.

Yes I was always a people pleaser and it stemmed from my childhood. Years of my siblings choices being put before mine, being told my opinion or thought were invalid and no adult stepping in when I was a victim of abuse. I was conditioned to think my thoughts, opinions and feelings didn't count but I was responsible for ensuring I didn't cause other people difficulties at a cost to myself

No, some people have it in their nature even though they are to gain no benefits.

I'm sometimes inclined that way, but I've learned to be more assertive.

It always makes me smile when a dear friend (overbearing, but with a heart of gold) puts pressure on me to do something and says with great concern 'Now, DO feel free to say no". I say 'No thanks," and she looks stunned for a moment and says again 'You CAN say no," so I repeat myself.

Happens so many times! She just can't believe what she's hearing because she has me down as a complete walkover and can't compute any other response but yes!