4 year old - tantrums…

[Tryingmybest76]

Posting for traffic as I’m feeling desperate.

My 4 year old DD has violent tantrums. She will kick and hit me and just pulled out a chuck of my hair.

She’s been doing this and screaming for the last hour as she doesn’t want to go to bed. She’s exhausted herself and just starting to wind down now.

This sort of meltdown happens every couple of days. Sometimes its about bedtime but can be about other things. Last time it was because the dress she wanted to wear wasn’t clean. That time the tantum lasted 45 minutes.

I stay calm. I’ve tried talking to her. I’ve tried holding her. I’ve tried leaving her (and staying outside the room).

She doesn’t do this with my ex (her dad) who I’m scared is going to use it to say I’m a rubbish mum (he was emotionally abusive and still critical of me, particularly my parenting).

i mentioned to him I thiught she might have adhd and he said she didn’t and that the issue was me, but he couldn’t address it further because I would get angry (he always said I was angry when I was upset about how he treated me, I’m not ab angry person).

I’m starting to wonder if I am just rubbish. I feel a bit broken to be honest

Can anyone help?

Thought I would mention you are really not alone with this! My 4 year old daughter (soon to be 5) has the most horrendous tantrums and her behaviour is challenging it brings me to tears most days. They can be caused by anything, from not having the correct clothes, to having to leave a playdate (and her not wanting to). I have suspected ADHD or autism etc, however I have been assured she is just sensitive and highly strung.. and pushing boundaries! However that doesn't help me on the day to day basis. She's apparently a little angle for my ex which makes me feel worse. However someone once said they act out with the people they love the most x

Solidarity OP. My four year old still has teeeible tantrums 😔.
I would have thought she’d have grown out of it by now, but no. I don’t think she has adhd or ASD or anything as she’s as good as gold at school and no other signs. She’s also much worse behaved with me than with her dad. He thinks it’s because he enforces more boundaries 🙄🙄. Actually it’s because she’s closest to me. Kids act out the most, and push boundaries the most, with the people who make them feel safest. Remember that. xxx

Didn’t want to read and not respond. I have a 3.5 year old, who has had tantrums, since his baby sister came along. He was a dream up until about 2.5.

At first, when 2.5 they were explosive and could often last a good 20 minutes or so. Hitting lashing out/ throwing himself around. It was awful. My husband has ADHD, and I often worried that perhaps this was a sign, but we changed the way we dealt with the tantrums dramatically. Instead of there being a ‘ consequence’ and is getting frustrated etc. we almost emotionally detached from the situation.

We started reading lots of social stories/ emotional stories every day and started talking and then practicing our feelings/ behaviour and how we dealt with anger/being frustrated.

It was VERY repetitive and at first there was limited success and it’s taken a good few months, but the tantrums are now much less regular now he’s 3.5 and are often two-three minutes ( or less and rather an outburst) and he now recognises his feelings and says he needs to do deep breaths etc/ count to ten or twenty.

I don’t know whether this is an age thing ( he is now better at regulating) or that the stuff we did helped. But he uses the strategies we put into place all the time. And now rather bossily tells his 15 month old sister the strategies he has learned. Which is both amusing and frustrating ( as he still needs reminding) 🫣.

My question would be: what do you do when she has a tantrum? And how do you reinforce/ teach a more appropriate reaction or behaviour after she has calmed?

I hope my reply helps- dealing with tantrums is awful and super stressful.

Some children are far more sensitive and easily overwhelmed than others. It doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. The chances are it is because you are her safe place that she is able to let out her emotions. Trying to figure out what her triggers are may help you to prevent some problems. Tiredness, changes to expectations/routines , sensory overload, transitions between activities, are all common trigger points in kids this age.