I have a partner and a child - why am I still angry at my ex 5 years later?

[Idontgetitt]

I’m 28 now, met my ex when I was 17 years old so 11 years ago now, and we were together for six years and lived together for four.

He started talking to other women behind my back, swapping nude photos etc, but I didn’t find out until we had moved in together and was so in love and hopeful that I said I’d stay with him.

We went on to have an awful relationship, we never had sex - he would reject me constantly to the point I stopped trying - he was emotionally and mentally abusive, he even refused to go away with me so I holidayed alone for two years, yet on year six he was the one to leave me for a 19 year old. He just left. And I was so scared of upsetting him that I just accepted it - he even asked me not to create a scene or upset his new girlfriend. Over the next few months I found out that he had actually been physically cheating on me in his office toilets with multiple employees (he was the manager), telling people we had split and that he was as sofa surfing. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t see it.

I met someone else 6 months later and we have been together ever since and have a toddler (I got pregnant pretty quickly which was surprising and a shock given I was told I would need IVF to have children).

I’m very happy with my partner, we have a really healthy sex life, communication, and I’m just really happy, and of course our child has completed me.

So why am I still angry? I find myself checking his Facebook to see what he’s like now, even though it’s been 5 years. I imagine myself sending him a long message to tell me how much he hurt me and what an awful person he is.

I won’t do this but I just want to stop wanting to! It still hurts and gets me down and I don’t know why because I do not love him anymore, seeing his face alone makes me feel sick.

Has anyone else experienced this? What do I do? I feel like I never got closure, he took so much from me, and I didn’t say anything when he left because I didn’t want HIM to hurt.

Maybe you are just checking his FB to see if he is hopefully having a bad time, been dumped or even worse. Stop checking up and you will start to not care if that makes sense. Each time to look you are starting off the vicious circle all over again.

Well, this is the reason people are protective of teenagers - he was an abusive twat and you were too young to cope.

I think I'd try developing a mindfulness practice. You can't ever live a life that he didn't exist in, so there will always be occasional thoughts of him. But you don't have to act, react or even feel anything in response to those thoughts.

I had a betrayal by a friend. Not the same at all but I loved her while she was just passing time with me until a richer, flasher mate came along and just dropped me.

The pain is partly due to feeling so gullible that I didn't see any of this. To trusting. To loyal. To willing to bend over and put myself to please her and not seeing it.

I wrote her a letter and buried it. I still think about her. I wish I could erase her from my memories.

Like your ex, they don't deserve space in your head. I think they all eventually reap what they sow. Write him a letter. Re it to yourself afew times then burn it. Make it a event. Put time aside to do it with your head clear and it honestly sounds trite but it does help. A final goodbye.

Then when he pops into your head, imagine he is one inch tall and standing on the back of your hand. Then you flick him away like a wasp. Everytime he pops into your head.

i think it’s because you took the hurt so readily at the time - you didn’t lash out, you didn’t attack, you just accepted it and moved on. You’ve figured out your worth since then and also how unworthy he is. So you’re looking back at it with more wisdom and probably wish you’d reacted differently. We all do this with different experiences in our lives - trouble was this was your first love, so a huge experience. You won’t always feel like this but your sense of injustice is understandable. I don’t think it means much other than feeling anger on behalf of younger you.

Maybe you never dealt with the impact of his abuse - as in mentally working through the impact and getting to the point of psychologically letting it go/ coming to terms with it? So you are still dealing with trauma perhaps?