AIBU to feel sick of being a single parent?

[Fedupsinglemum]

Break up fairly new, it's only been a year, but I'm so tired and fed up. I'm not sure if this is normal, not been a single mum before.

For context: Ex has not been the greatest... he was lazy albeit did some bits around the house plus maybe 15% around the DCs and 20% around the pets. He was also shit with money. We earned similar and split living expenses 50/50. Anything extra like furniture always paid by me or else we wouldn't have anything. Over the years I got fed more and more. His drinking went from social to everyday as apparently he was stressed and tired from work. We were always arguing as I was nagging (asking for help). I pushed him away and there was no affection or sex for a long time. Who wants to sleep with a man like that? I lost respect and feelings for him and felt like a hired help just without the pay. So when he said he was leaving, I didn't stop him.

I know I am better off without him but feeling so stressed, tired and fed up. He doesn't see DCs much, alternating weekends and maybe occasional day a week if he 'has the time' plus its never set in stone as to which day so i cannot organise anything like a new hobby. He goes on weekends away with new girlfriend, constant meals out and thus far 2 longer holidays, one in June, one in August. Apart from standard weekend days, he has not taken the children over the term times or the summer at all. I have been juggling work, childcare, house, garden and pets. I am sick off. I'm angry with myself for letting him walk away as his small % was better than not having any of it. Having 50% towards the bills etc was better than shit cms he is paying. I am resentful that he is living his life to the fullest while I'm stuck at home, struggling to even go out on weekends he has DCs as they don't stay the night. Then there are financial worries... I have to work every possible hour to be able to afford living. I don't have much help from family. House is always a tip and I was always very house proud.... This is getting me down. DCS are 7 & 4 - they still need entertainment and looking after. I feel like I'm always chasing my tail and cannot quite get there. I have zero break and holidays won't be possible for many years due to costs and pets. Giving up pets is a no. Dog is getting old and DCs are very attached. The cat is younger but mainly house / garden cat. Might get rid of the fish as cleaning the tank us driving me potty.

Does it ever get better ? Does it ever get easier ? Or does life as single mum/parent always suck? How do I get out of this awful thinking? How do I cope when life if ridiculously expensive and I have no downtime?

Are you sure he's paying the correct amount of CMS ? If he can afford foreign holidays etc I would check it's correct. Are you claiming any benefits you are eligible for. Is the house half his or rented?

I don't know if he pays correct but we did it private not cms. Might have to contact them. House is rented and I am not entitled to any benefits. Just over the cap. Live down south where life is expensive but cannot move north due to specific work and other commitments.

I hear you.

It does sound like you need to check CMS if you know what he earns there is an online calculator. So you should have that information in the next five minutes.

Why does he not have them overnight? Once a fortnight as a minimum would give you a small mental break.

See if you can make friends with other single parents. Hanging out with friends and their kids saved my sanity and made me feel like my life wasn't one long round of drudgery.

My daughter is older now so doesn't need that hands on care so I get a lot more downtime and can leave the house. Ironically my ex is keener to see her now and moans a lot about things that he thinks are "unfair" when he wouldn't even commit to having her once a month when she was little.

He doesn't have dcs over night because he is living with another woman and when we tried to mention he has new partner, there was a lot of drama from the children. I mean there was no period of him being single, not go his own place, he just shifted from us to her. For the DCs sake, they don't stay the night yet. It will come at some point, they are just not ready and don't want to be around her.

I don't really want to rock the boat with cms too much.. I know it will add extra fees If they need to collect from him and I'm trying to avoid drama

I really feel for you reading this. My own husband died 5 yrs ago and doing it on my own is MUCH harder. I think you should take on board any practical advice you get on here about how to make things easier in the short term. I know I was strongly advised to get out of the house when I could, pursue my own interests and meet other people. Tbh it is easier for me as my kids are teenagers but I also juggle 3 part time jobs and by the time I have done that plus housework/laundry etc often I can be too tired to think about going out but I always feel better when I do go out.

So it is a question of time/money/energy and it can feel as if you are very stretched on all fronts. Try and look after yourself as well as you can so prioritise healthy food/sleep/fresh air.

It will get easier but it is a long game but I do think you will develop a close bond with your children.

Thank you and I'm sorry to hear about your husband, how awful.

Yes I feel everything is stretched to the limit, the jobs are never ending and my actual job is very demanding. Its hard not to feel resentful when I'm doing it all and he strolls in when it suits him but for the sake of the kids I smile through my teeth and act civil, despite all the drama he has caused over the last year, from being late, swapping days last minute to not even turning up. I applaud single parents, i knew it was going to be tough but this is on another level.

I've been in a similar situation for around eight years now, two children now 13 and 15.

It is much easier now that they don't need all my attention, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's an awful situation to be in, I couldn't even go to the shops alone for years and felt so trapped bt it all. It's devastating as you lose all your freedom and it's a hard slog every day.
I turned to the wine for a few years to take the edge off.

I often think it should be a human rights issue as it's so miserable and feels inhumane.

The only thing I can suggest is that you go out and/or socialise at home as much as you can. Make yourself the priority. It will slowly improve over time.

Same here @Toloveandtowork 8 years for me too.

The loss of liberty is very hard. Having to take your six year old to the dentist and the hairdresser with you because of course they can't be left.

Seeing people going out for the evening when once again you're locking the door for the night at 8pm.

One of the weird plus points for me during lockdown was I wasn't the only one stuck in night after night. Even got to go to my work Christmas party as it was an online event.

I agree it's a human rights issue- deprivation of liberty essentially.

OP sorry to bang on about CMS but you don't have to go straight to deduction of earnings, you can use the calculator to check what he should be paying- remember this is the absolute minimum required by law- tell him and he adjusts the amount, or Direct Pay which is similar but there is a case open with CMS and there are no ongoing additional fees beyond the £20 fee to set it up. They will review his pay initially using HMRC records and then annually so your maintenance will go up as his pay does (or down if he takes a pay cut). This is what I do then you don't have to talk to him about money.