To want boyfriend to care more about appearance?

[blueandyellow10]

To give a bit of background
I have known my boyfriend for over five years and have been with him for the last one year. When he asked me out one year ago, he had lost about 20 kg that year. He’s a tall guy around 6 foot one and so I did find him attractive and he said he wanted to continue losing weight and so I knew I’d find him more attractive when he continued to lose weight.

In the last three months, he’s put all the weight back on and I suspect may be a bit more too. I’m finding it really hard to find him attractive, he keeps saying he wants to lose weight but he does nothing about it.
For reference, his usual XL size is too tight on him now.

He doesn’t take much pride in his appearance, he’ll wear anything and this didn’t bother me as much before as I thought when he loses weight maybe he will feel more confident and put in more effort.

Everything else about him is perfect, he’s so loving and I do love him. However, he is so extremely sensitive that bringing this up in anyway shape or form would be extremely difficult and I have no clue in how to talk to him about it.

To make matters worse, I am also overweight but not nearly as much and have lost about 5kg in the last 6 weeks and plan to keep going. He keeps saying he’s gonna join me but doesn’t make any effort. I feel bad for even thinking this as I’m not perfect myself.

How can I bring this up to him?? has anyone been in a similar situation?

Tell him how good he looked when he lost it all and how much you want him to join you. It's about getting him motivated. What motivated him to lose the weight before? Can you use that again?

You can't make someone else lose weight and keep it off OP and it's also never a good idea to date someone and think 'I'll like them better once they've changed'. If you don't like him at whatever weight he is or may be in the future, this relationship isn't a keeper. Take him as he is, or throw him back.

If you don't fancy him when he's a bit bigger, I'd get out now, because if they have a tendency to go that way, people tend to get bigger rather than slimmer in LTRs. Often because they're happier with themselves having found someone who accepts them and loves them as they are. The fact you already aren't keen when he's put back on what he's lost means when he (probably inevitably) puts a bit or a lot more on, suggests it's not a strong enough attraction to go the distance. Course you could work on him and help get him motivated to change etc but you shouldn't really have to and it rarely works. You sound like you're extra sensitive to the issue right now because you're on a weight loss drive whereas he's not in that zone, whatever he says (and don't we all make the right noises about losing weight, but the times when we're genuinely ready to make those life changes are fewer and harder). None of this is judgment on either of you weight-wise. You're just in different places and it's early enough to call it quits rather than stick with it when you're not that into him.

@CaroleSinger he says the motivation was trying to be more attractive for me

just feel very stuck as he thinks we have a perfect relationship and he tells me all the time how lucky he is. I feel awful

Gosh well much better to end it sooner rather than later then, as you don't feel the same. It's nice that he was trying to be more attractive for you but that kind of motivation doesn't last. He is who he is and the appeal needs to be deeper than this to stand the test of time. Not that looks aren't important, but it seems like he's got to stay within quite a tight spectrum for you and it's not going to sustain. You don't have to be honest with him about your reasons, think that would be extra hurtful, but just say that you're not feeling the same so it's better to go your separate ways to find the right partners.

He needs to do it for him.

Maybe focus less on looks and say look I love and want us to work out but as a couple we need to both be responsible for our own health and well-being. I can see that when you (drink lots, order lots of take aways, don't go out and play video games) it's because you're comfortable and cozy but it'll make you feel awful long term and I'm worried about this. What's your plan for taking care of yourself? Can I help? I want to stay on my healthy path.' Don't snack with him don't go halves on take aways etc

He will always probably struggle with weight so you need to decide now if its a deal breaker.
He didn't take pride in his appearance before you have said, not sure why you thought this would change.

I really do love him and it hurts me to see him not being the best he could be. I don’t want to leave but at the same time I don’t want to stay in a relationship where I’m not really really attracted to him

You know, just end it.

He is happy with you no matter how heavy you are, whereas you don’t feel the same about him.

In your OP you've mentioned two things you weren't happy about even when you first got with him.

That's the thing that rang alarm bells for me

You have to be honest if it means so much to you.
Ask him to join you as an inspiration because he was so successful last time.
You are only young once and you shape up so much more quickly when you are young.
Cook together, eat together, encourage each other to walk every day and cut out sweets and junk food.
Set goals and reward yourselves with a beach trip, a fruit salad of your favourites, a new jumper, a concert, a show.

Take up a healthy hobby together like indoor soccer or bush walking.
Take the bull by the horns, be confident and proactive.
If your fellow is too upset by the invitation then you will possibly split up - better now than later if he is not the one.