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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it normal dd12 behaviour

29 replies

Wowzer67 · 10/09/2023 13:50

To constantly change friends, 1 week 2 of them are best friends, the next 1 is left out and 2 are going off! It just seems exhausting!

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rubyslippers · 10/09/2023 13:50

yes it is IME
senior school and friendship dramas seem to be commonplace

Original poster
Wowzer67 · 10/09/2023 13:51

what Age does it feel settled? I find myself worrying about it!

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10HailMarys · 10/09/2023 13:54

Totally normal

Pinkywoo · 10/09/2023 13:56

I'm surprised everyone says this is normal, it certainly wasn't when I was at school. Everyone stayed in the same friendship groups all through high school, I can only remember one group split and that was over a boy!

Miriam101 · 10/09/2023 13:58

very normal. I reread my diary from that age the other day and it was full of this shit! Hilarious in retrospect. Also at 12 my BFF “left me” for another girl and I was - temporarily- heartbroken. I think it settled down by about 15 or so for me .

PonyPatter44 · 10/09/2023 14:01

It's absolutely normal. I know what you mean by exhausting though - I really don't care whether Millie sat next to Lauren or Abigail in maths, but apparently I had to have every aspect of the interaction dissected minutely.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 10/09/2023 14:03

Totally normal. In my experience, it settles down when they start sixth form.

Royanne · 10/09/2023 14:04

DD12 who has just gone into year 8 is currently on her 3rd best friend since starting secondary. Hoping it settles down and this one sticks!

BackToOklahoma · 10/09/2023 14:05

I think it is common with some children, both my kids have told me about all the drama and fallouts of others.

My kids would hate it and roll their eyes at friendship drama. They both have had mostly drama free, good friendships thankfully, other than some silliness in primary school.

PomegranateOfPersephone · 10/09/2023 14:06

Normal IME too. For my daughters it settled in year 9 so around 14-15. Honestly it was a great relief!

Foxesandsquirrels · 10/09/2023 14:07

Normal. Depending on child and maturity/luck of options in year group, but normally settles anywhere around Y9- beg of Y11. I would urge them to get involved in as much as possible to give them options. Much safer at this stage to have quite a few different friends than just one vest friend.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/09/2023 14:10

12 is still very young and they're still trying to figure out who they are and sometimes they realise people they are hanging around with aren't really their kind of person/people.

My DD has just started 6th form and they all seem to mingle together but she does have a group of close friends (male and female) now that she does a lot with outside of school

Original poster
Wowzer67 · 10/09/2023 14:15

Lol
im one of those that dissect my daughter doesn’t at all which is great but I sit here worrying about it all!

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Everydayimhuffling · 10/09/2023 14:19

In my experience (secondary school teacher) some time in year 9 depending on the maturity level of the kids involved. Year 7 is a lot of change with a new school and year 8 often has a lot of drama. Year 9 is my favourite before GCSE pressures start.

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 10/09/2023 14:20

Pinkywoo · 10/09/2023 13:56

I'm surprised everyone says this is normal, it certainly wasn't when I was at school. Everyone stayed in the same friendship groups all through high school, I can only remember one group split and that was over a boy!

You see that isn’t the norm at all.

Original poster
Wowzer67 · 10/09/2023 14:20

Oh jeez I think this is the year then! My dd has one friend who seems to try and follow her relationships and shit stir with them which is pure jealousy but it’s almost impossible for her to step away as said ‘friend’ gets in with them all! It really pisses me off

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Original poster
Wowzer67 · 10/09/2023 14:21

But I guess dealing with crap like this is life

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tarheelbaby · 10/09/2023 14:22

Not everybody has a best friend. I would have loved one but I went through all my years of school without one and even now, although I think I get along with most people easily, I don't have many close friends. The person in my life who most fits the description of 'best friend' lives in another country so we text often (but not even weekly) and only meet up every few years.

My DDs, now 13 and 16, have had a variety of close friends but these come and go. Sometimes, they have met someone new and there has been an intense 2 -3 weeks or even months but then eventually, things run their course, change or just fizzle out. They are still friendly but not living in each other's pockets and spending every spare moment together. I've come to the conclusion that this is normal. If the change/fizzle is mutual, I wouldn't worry.

In DD2's one-form primary, there was a girl who systematically befriended each of the other girls and and had an intense friendship with her for a few months, only to drop this girl when she had her fill and then moved on to the next. Each girl had a turn at being 'dumped'. It was brutal. One day, out of the blue, the 'best' friend would be told, 'I'm now playing with X and we don't want to play with you.' Other girls would already be paired off and so the newly dumped would be alone!

Foxesandsquirrels · 10/09/2023 14:24

@Hellsbellsandspidersankles exactly. @Pinkywoo your experience is very abnormal. It's very natural and normal to have lots of different friendships. A lot of social skills are formed in Y7 and 8 and the current Y10, 11 and 12 who were in lockdown during those tween years have all sorts of issues. They are all a year or two 'behind" from my observations and dealings with them. The Y11s that just started are very much giving Y9 or 10 energy.

ValancyRedfern · 10/09/2023 14:40

Yes 7 and 8 definitely the worst for this (for me as a child and now what I witness as a teacher). It's exhausting but it does pass. Definitely encourage to have a range of friends from different activities, and not to put all her friendship eggs in one basket. Also don't get to drawn into other people's dramas. She may feel pressured to take sides in other people's disputes; best to stay neutral!!

Pinkywoo · 10/09/2023 14:50

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 10/09/2023 14:20

You see that isn’t the norm at all.

Show quote history

Weird! Back then we started high school in year 8 so maybe that made a difference if pp say this is a year 7/8 thing?

ell87 · 10/09/2023 14:53

It depends on the child and whether they're lucky with finding the right friends.
My eldest daughters friendship groups were forever changing, she couldn't seem to find a best friend which was part of the problem.
My 2nd daughter has been luckier in that she made a best friend in year 7 and now they're in year 9 and still best friends. She got lucky and they clicked and have never argued.

Stifado · 10/09/2023 15:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Wowzer67 · 10/09/2023 15:04

Thanks she’s actually really good at it! I feel like it’s me I need to be careful not to focus on it and question her too much as she is breezy! Perhaps it’s my sense of loss or something I don’t know but I feel worried she’s losing friendships

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Original poster
Wowzer67 · 10/09/2023 15:05

Oh god I can imagine I will be the same! I think it’s to do with this need to have them constantly happy and content which a tidally isn’t possible or good for them.
I perhaps need to take a steep back!

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